Russell Nero

(May 25th,1995)

The Knife that Killed Me


Curse you, curse you ever changing heart
Why
Why are you so determined to hold my eyelids wide open
to witness
the beauty which dwelled inside her, inside Anastasia
to transform into Maleficent'
igniting me like a beacon
Why do you keep her in a knitted scarf perched around my neck
squeezing tightly until I refuse to breathe
Why can't you aid in my struggle to let her be
to let her go
I just want to let her...go...
fall far away from me
disappear from me
travel to some random country just to say
she finally rid herself of me
so I can never repeat again...I love her...
Is this what you were trying to warn me about
to stop thinking with my heart
to impede my own self attraction to batting eyelashes
If it was, label it misunderstood
for I refuse to understand, to acknowledge that I love her
I don't mind, I don't care
that I was willing to break apart my stable mind
in order to fight for her
even when it was her reckoning call
to have my arms uncoil from her waist
I don't mind, I don't care that I was willing to risk
risk my life on a whim
in an attempt to keep what I thought I deserved was meant for me
but my price I paid
in coupons in honor of the many reasons she gave for my immediate surrender
A repetition of my past encounters I failed to see
like they were just ghosts I failed to hear whisper truth into my ears
Well what can I change
it's written down in ancient history
I was taken down by the knife that killed me
Even in receiving an honest handshake with truth
I chose to give chase to phantom
that didnt want to be found
Her petty decisions for turning down her happiness confided in me
made no obvious sense
She exchanged a smile for tears
while I exchanged my steady breathing for anxiety
so out of spite, I despise them all
Was it jealousy which turned the spear
the jagged spear that pierced my side
or was it fear that I lost
what a week barely allowed me to obtain
Ironically, I called it all comfortable
like it was a sensation so familiar
though like a mind incantation
enraged I became, a carnation of evil
a reincarnation of an ancient king
a distant relic I take pride in shadowing
I don't know still remains the fatal answer
to these perpetual questions
Curse you heart, Benedict Arnold
Why are you aiding the enemy, villainous treason
in worming it's way back under my skin
I ordered the decree of banishment
though in tiny print, I left a loophole
leaving a metaphoric door open
so she could return and slay me
Yet she came in, to storm back out
yet she came in and threw a punch into my gut
yanked my heart from my chest and stormed out
and there I stood still, paralyzed
paralyzed while I tried to clench my fists
trying to fight on
I tried in desperation to scream
'Take it! I don't need it!
I still have my mind to depend on! '
but all that came out was a late gasp
as I choked on the air that wouldn't form the words
so I fall to my knees, gripping the hole in my chest
my tears impacted slowly to let me know I'm defeated
to let me know, I'm still me
but I am not a prince
I am not a king
I am not of noble blood
I'm nothing, I am nothing
Nothing at all...

Submitted: Wednesday, May 07, 2014
Edited: Thursday, May 08, 2014

Topic(s): break up


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