The Marlboro Olympics Poem by David Keig

We all know of the Olympics
For athletes who are fit
What if we organised new games
And changed the rules a bit?

The tournament - its now unfair
Only the best compete
And all those who're less able
Could never win a heat.

So let our new rules equalise
The young 'n old and slow 'n fast
And let's introduce some new sports
In which the fittest may come last.

We will all compete on equal terms
In worldwide competition
No - this is not an empty dream
But a new Olympic vision.

We need to find us something
That the fittest do not do
And make it central to our games
The Olympics born anew.

We shall introduce some new sports
And new rules for the rest
But what will change above all else
Is smoking cigarettes.

Yes! The Marlboro Olympics!
Or whoever else will pay
To support our global smoking sports
And a more level field of play.

We've already got a logo
Entwined smoke rings in the sky
Just like those Olympic rings
But more pleasing to the eye.

The opportunity's enormous!
Just imagine that you're there
Oh the beauty of gynastics
With smoke swirling in the air!

Or in those cycle races
Where bottled water cyclists get
Now handed out throughout the race
Are successive cigarettes.

And in all the relay races
Where batons are exchanged
The baton will be lighted
With a filter tip arranged.

Sports like darts we'd showcase
And maybe dominoes
With beer on tap at every point
To make the action flow.

A new sport - extreme smoking
Would stimulate interest
In the finer points of coughing
And of wheezing in the chest.

The Olympic flame we'd stick with
It fits the whole concept
And we'd market special lighters
To publicise events.

For the sports that we're developing
We've got a site upon the net
So don't be slow - get thinking
And maybe light a cigarette.....

(pause - embarassed cough)

But while writing this i've had a thought
A shameful thought for me
If smokers pursued fitness
Then from smoking they'd be free.