The Morning After Poem by Owain Glyn

When I awoke this morning
It was almost yesterday
Though it could have been tomorrow
I just really couldn't say.

My head was facing back to front
My nose seemed upside down
My eyebrows stuck together
In an imbecilic frown.

My legs had all the feeling
You'd expect from frozen peas
Which was further complicated
By the loss of both my knees.

And when I tried to focus
On a point in time and space
My eyes just fled their sockets
At a most alarming pace.

Now what had caused this crisis
Which had left me all but dead
Screwing up my faculties
And messing up my head?

Fourteen pints of Real Ale
Might well provide a clue
Especially when they're followed
By some Double Whiskies too.

I don't suppose the Curry
Will have helped an awful lot
I can't remember what it was
But it was Bloody hot!

I closed my eyes against the light
To block out all the pain
And prayed for equilibrium
So I could try again.

I felt quite dehydrated
So I crawled off to the sink
To fill myself with H2o
Simplicity you'd think.

But my attempts to hold the glass
Were clearly bound to fail
My body shook from head to foot
Way off the Richter Scale.

Just then a can of Speckled Hen
Came slowly into view
Hairs and Dogs sprang to my mind
And it was liquid too!

I drank it down in just one go
It seemed to hit the spot
The shakes were now subsiding
It was helping quite a lot.

My eyes began to focus
And my head began to clear
I thanked the Gods for hairy dogs
Normality was near.

I quickly took a shower
Then I scraped my prickly face
I shoved a brush inside my mouth
To fumigate the place.

My eyes still looked quite bleary
And my face looked very pale
But I thought I knew the answer
A few pints of Abbot Ale.

I'd considered, very briefly
Should I join the Temperance Club?
But since I'm not too social
I'll just stroll down to the Pub!
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