The Numb Feeling Poem by Rachel bannink

My eyes are covered in black from my mascara...my eyes are blood shot...my cheeks have lines of black down them...i have bruises covering my arms cause of the grip of my fingers on my plain skin...my body is freezing like ice...im a slight blue colour...i have goosebumps up my back from the cold breeze coming through the window...my throat is dry...my voice is gone...my clothes are skattered across the floor...my phone is flashing with a message that makes my tear drops run down my face...my arms are stiff around my legs...my hair is everywhere...the room is dark i cant hear anything but my phone vibrating on my bed...i try to reach for my phone but the thought that my thoughts are true makes me wanna cry even more...i unfreeze and open the message...to my horror its true...i dropp the phone...my heart rate beats fast...i feel the urge to rip out the thing thats hurts me to breathe...i cant breathe my throat is blocked...i reach for my throat...my fingers leave marks from were they've been...i stand but then fall...i land on the floor to my knees...i grip the phone between my hands...i look at the phone and read the words in a soft whisper...but my cry and breathless voice cant stand to get the words out...i sway my body back and forth wishing it wasnt true...i lay on the floor with my hands in my lap...i look to the window...i see the brightest star i think to myself...was this the star i wished apon? was this the star that made me want this? was that the star that made me feel this way? ...so many questions going through my head...i sit in silence...i didnt want this...if this was love why does it do this to you? i thought love was perfect...i thought love made you warm and gentle...so what am i feeling? i thought i loved him...i look at the messge once again...would he do this? would he go behind my back and betray me...i grab my bed as i get up...barely able to stand...i feel static shocks through my body as another message appears...i stare at the name...what was it gunna be? what would it say? would it be another disapointment? another cry? another scream into the pillow trying to slience myself? i didnt care...i walked out of my room...i walked outside my house and looked out at the stars...i looked up and still the pain dug through my heart...i felt like my heart had been ripped out...i paced around...my body freezing screaming for warmth...my eyes burning and dry...my throat begging for air...my soul begging for existance...the snow between my toes freezes my body...i stand in silence...i walk through the woods...falling over rocks...gripping on to trees for support...i feel pain all on my legs...i look down...deep gashes all over my legs...but for some reason i dont care...i get up and see an open...i limp to get to the opening that waits...my breathing starts to slow...i get dizzy...i walk slower...i get to the opening and i see a pond...id never seen such a beautiful place...i trample and fall to get to the bank...i sit there...i slip my feet in the freezing water...my feet go numb...and i thought this was the feeling i wanted to feel...i slipped in deeper...knee deep...i feel the great feeling of no feeling...i climp in...i slowly walk in...im half way in...the feeling was breath taking...i didnt care what was going on around me...i walked in deeper i could feel the water numbing me slowly all over my body...im up to my sholders...i still felt the need to go in further to end my pain...i took a big breath hoping to be my last and went under...it was all over my body...no feeling...i opened my eyes...i dont know how it happened but i had pictures of him...the memories...i think i cried...my eyes felt warm...i turned and saw the same picture the haunting pictures of us...i cant believe i didnt see it...what was i blinded by? what made me see only him and nothing around him? by the time i thought all this...my breath started leaving me...i felt my lungs begging for air...i wouldnt let it be...i didnt want the feeling to come back...so i stayed...i thought of something to take my mind off the pain...but all that came to thought was him...then it came to me...my mind lit up...i remembered what it was that blinded me...it was love...the word gave me a sign hope...as i was thinking of this...my life was leaving me...i heard the sound of a song...i heard the words over and over 'beautiful' over and over...i escaped the water...i pushed myself out with all my strength i had left...i crawled out of the water to the sound...it wasnt the sender that did it...it was the sound...the words...i had never felt so warm inside...i thought of when he gave me those words...i held my phone in one hand and slowly searched through my messages and got the words that he sent me...i read them aloud...twas then that i realised that i love him...and that no one would ever hurt me about this again...so i lay there on the ground and fell to sleep with his words close to my heart...