The Russian Paradise Poem by Herbert Nehrlich

Once on a time, there lived a kind
and pretty girl, completely blind
outside the town of Maladise,
inside a shack of tiny size.

Her grandpa who was without hearing
had cut the trees to make a clearing,
built them a home with his own skills.
Down in the valley, near the hills,

there lived a woman who was lame,
she got around with a steel frame.
But in the bitter cold and wind
she stayed inside, told God she'd sinned.

And only in the early Spring
would she go out to laugh and sing.
A maiden who was nearly fifty,
known in the region as quite thrifty,

was still a virgin, also grumpy,
she grew, with age, a rather lumpy
and quite expensive blubber rump.
Her brother (hunchback) had a hump.

One day God sent disgusting weather
to them, so they did get together
to have a rational discussion,
when someone knocked, a bearded Russian

announced his suffering from thirst.
He was, in many years, the first
who'd wandered through to say G' Day.
He drank, then spoke 'I will not stay,

your homes have been by God selected,
he will destroy what you've erected.
I urge you, come without delay,
but for my donkey bring some hay.'

And down the path of no return
they hobbled, looking rather stern,
the Russian told them of a land
where from the seaside with its sand

a rainbow reached to all the mountains,
creating many happy fountains
that irrigated all the fields.
And, that the crops returned their yields

in bounty and the year around,
that life itself came from the ground.
They listened with anticipation,
lost their initial hesitation.

The lame one asked if they'd be healed,
it had not helped when she had kneeled
and asked her God to make her whole.
The bearded one said 'our role
is to bring peace and harmony
to all the people, make them free,
and, though you might think this is odd,
at home we do not have a God.'

And they went on when, by the creek,
a mangy dog said 'life is bleak,
I lost my teeth and cannot eat,
but I am hopeful, now we meet,
I wonder, could I join you guys? '

They passed the town of Maladise.
Because the Russian had explained
that nothing happy could be gained
by rubbing sick and aging shoulders
with Christians, in a town of boulders
that kept all visitors from peeping,
'some day these people will be reaping
what they deserve for being greedy
and shutting doors on all the needy.'

A bench nearby was occupied
by a young man, and at his side
were piles of papers, full of writing,
he told them none was too exciting.

He was a poet unsuccessful,
had brought a rope to end this stressful
and unrewarding, cruel life.
He'd been abandoned by his wife.

Without awaiting a decision
he joined them on their sorry mission.
When evening fell they found a cave,
the toothless dog was very brave,
and checked the shelter outside in,
reported back with a wide grin,
and they unpacked their few utensils.

Meanwhile the poet grabbed his pencils
and papers to create a piece.
He wrote and scribbled, crossed his t's.
The cave was cold like many are,
the Russian talked about his Czar,
the virgin's teeth began to shatter,
the poet asked 'what is the matter? '

And later on they snuggled close,
she slept, the poet did compose,
and in the morning they awoke,
the bearded one told them a joke:

He said 'with this menagerie,
I say how wondrous it would be
if our writer could create
a play there on that desk of slate.

A pleasant story for us all,
but we must hurry, it is Fall,
and I can smell the coming snow,
so, on the road let's get this show.'

The poet smiled and showed his stuff,
'I do not understand enough
of human frailty nor of plays,
but while you slept I did amaze
my friend here, who will be my bride,
and for my poetry a guide.'

He read what he that night had written
and all of them were truly smitten.
And right away it was agreed
that this was wonderful, indeed.

They spent the winter in the cave,
in hopes their efforts would then pave
the way to end their misery.
The play was called 'Just Let Us Be',
and when the sunshine came in Spring
they heard the pretty robins sing,
and played the play so many times
that all of them recalled their rhymes.

And in late March they hit the road,
each carrying their own small load,
went to the nearby Russian border,
marched to the Czar, in perfect order.

The little girl, completely blind,
the grandpa, deaf, was right behind,
the ugly woman, old and lame,
the virgin, pregnant, with no shame,
the brother with the hunchback hump,
the dog, as quick as Forrest Gump,
the Russian followed by the poet.
And there they stood, and now you know it.

The Czar, a man of worldly charm,
regarded them, then raised his arm:
' Welcome to the land of Russia,
built to the model of old Prussia,
we've killed all communists and spies,
our land is now called Paradise.
We wage no wars, allow no crime,
and hardly work, thus have much time,
you'll find that everyone relaxes,
and not a soul pays any taxes.
Our lifestyle is, by all, adored,
although, at times, we do get bored.

I understand you have a play,
let me invite you here today
to take the stage and do present
what your young 'Tolstoi' here has penned.'
They did just that and the whole nation
gave them an outstanding ovation.
The Czar was moved and shed three tears,
he said 'As this day's evening nears
you are invited to my castle,
and you shall never have a hassle
in this or any other state,
as I, the Czar, say you are great.'

And word got our across the sea
to where the people think they're free.
Before they saw the setting sun
the Prez had sent his Air Force One,
he whisked them to the USA,
to there present their famous play.

They were besieged by accolades
and driven in long motorcades
down Pennsylvania Avenue,
were then escorted by a crew
of Secret Service Personnel
up to the White House, where a bell
was rung to tell the lounging Prez
to listen to what Laura says.

She said 'It is the bell, Commander',
he answered 'Shall I now meander
down to the gate to let them in? '
You know the rest, it would embarrass
the ruling force up on the terrace.

All lights came on, the stage was lit
and all the actors did their bit.
Applause was long and would not stop,
then George and Rummy sauntered up
to the assembled talent group.
Big Rummy said they should recoup
and watch it on the VCR.
And then they talked about the Czar,
and how it was that both big guys
would call their country Paradise.
The poet started a discussion
about Iraq, that they were crushing
the spirit of the Muslim folks.
So Rummy countered, 'No more jokes',
and thus the night was truly finished.

Their spirits high, no hopes diminished.
They slept up in the Northern Hall,
and, in the morning, dog and all
were taken by big Cadillacs
back to the Airport to relax
until the giant Russian Flyer
did land, the Prez said 'Ball of Fire,
you have enriched our way of life,
and, on behalf of my smart wife,
I hereby give you all the gold
that the Afghanis had on hold.
And Howard's plane, called the Spruce Goose
will follow you, it's what I choose
to send the riches to your home,
right in the great city of Rome.'
They quickly gave their destination
to the Spruce pilot, by dictation,
through walkie-talkie to the plane.
And when they left this somewhat sane
but wealthy land they felt relieved,
and proud of what they had achieved.

And in the cool days of September
she did give birth (you might remember)
to a most scrumptious looking girl.
(Their Irish doctor's name was Earl) ,
and, as you know, how doctors are,
he sent a message to the Czar.

So, in the midst of happy hour
the Czar arrived with a pink flower,
he held the newborn in his arms
and was so taken by her charms
that he declared her his Czaresse,
a splendid honour, as you'd guess.
As time went by the girl grew big,
and once, while polishing a twig
to make some simple willow whips,
a boy, while whistling with his lips,
came up to her and said ' I am
the only son of the great man.'

The wedding was in early May
and all enjoyed the famous play.
To all you girls and all you guys:
Thus is the life in Paradise.