Treasure Island

Susan Sparks

(July 8,1957 / Fort Leavenworth, Kansas)

The Tale of the Tell-Tail Fart


Once upon a midnight dreary
I decided to make a query-
On my neighbor's door I went a 'rapping,
Lightly tap, tap, tap, tapping.

Do you think that I am mad?
Well, maybe just a tad;
I'm really so beguiling
Just sitting here and smiling,

Premeditating the Hellish fate;
It's definitely worth the wait...
My dear neighbor Miss Annabel...
Sweet Miss Annabel Lee.

She really was a Sweetie,
So kind and very pretty;
What I didn't like about her
Was her lumpy pancake batter.

Seven nights I went a 'knocking;
Oh, this is REALLY shocking-
She cooked up sumptuous dinners
But I just kept getting thinner.

So I decided to just kill her
And stash her in the cellar.
I prepared my deadly weapon
By eating kidneys and fava lentils.

On the eighth night I felt a rumbling;
My stomach was a 'tumbling.
I went to fatally harr-ass her
With my anal methane gasser.

As we were at the table eating
I felt the gasses seeping.
Raunchy stench had filled the room-
The silent-but-deadly vapor fume!

She sat there just a 'gasping,
Then choking and collapsing.
Her face it turned all blue,
Then suddenly I just knew

That the vaporous wind
Came out of my end
Choking and killing my Annabel Lee...
My beautiful Annabel Lee.
I drug her to my cellar-
I'm a pretty crafty fellow.
She'll never be detected
And I'll never be suspected.

All at once there was a 'ringing
My doorbell was ding-a-linging;
The cops were standing there-
What had I now to fear?

Miss Annabel was a 'missing
The cops were only guessing.
They thought she was with me-
“Oh no—come on in and see.”

“Look, look, look all around-
She never will be found.”
My MANNER had convinced them-
They never would condemn me.

Then my nose it started itching-
I felt a bit like retching.
The smell was getting stronger;
The odorous vapor was lasting longer.

The cops they could not smell it,
But the stench was so thick that I could gel it.
She was in the cellar farting-
What a way to go departing!

“Villains! ”, I shrieked,
“I did the did the dirty deed! ”
“She's down there—I do confess-
here, here! - it's the farting of her gaseous ass! ”

Submitted: Sunday, March 23, 2014
Edited: Monday, March 24, 2014

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Topic(s): Humor

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Poet's Notes about The Poem

This is a parody of some of the famous works of Edgar Allan Poe.

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