Undefeated, I Am Not Poem by Andrus Cassian

Is it possible to be proud of pride; if not then I don't know what to call this
this feeling of appreciation, turning an entire night around
but the night gains dust on the couch; it's a new day, a dark new day
The issue, it's still buzzing, nagging, playing the joker trump card
My heart may be strong but it can't take these punches much longer
This situation sits confidently on top of my head
dodging at all the right times while tirelessly I struggle to remove it
I see a moment to erupt like a volcano but only a ring of smoke flares out
I see a moment to throw up the lunch I never ate
but only a belch emerges with the blood slowly rushing to my cheeks
My life is like a game of Jenga
it's always one thing piling up after another, creating a skyscraper
all the problems of my opinions, all the problems I share with friends
yet when one ray of hope, when one ounce of merriment commences
there's a shade of my past at the ready to crack down my defenses
makes me remember
and the skyscraper is now a building block avalanche, crippling me
Stained, why am I so stained; who's to blame
Was it Belle or did it all begin with Sarah...
I'm unable to tell, it all seems so foreign
The only thing telling me it was once my reality: pain
It hurts, I cannot deny; it hurts
I can put on all the facades I can muster, act faceitous, say I don't care
but it would just be one more lie I'd write off
My issues, they stand undefeated, no scars or scratches
while I lay down bruised and beaten, no will to get up again
They don't fall, the tears, but their stinging presence is felt
Pathetic...the abrupt crazy laughter cries pathetic insanity while my voice screams 'whatever'
Will I ever be able to live this down; if I live it down, I'll just throw it back up
Why...why did she have to tell...I was better off ignorant
now I'm cursed with a replay of my vibrant imagination...
If I tear out my eyes, will I still be able to visualize...
If I tear out my eyes...why bother at all
I can never forget if I always remember