When Lovely Woman Buys A Collie, After Oliver Goldsmith - When Lovely Woman Poem by Jonathan ROBIN

When Lovely Woman Buys a Collie

When lovely Woman buys a Collie,
and finds too late he’ll rules defy,
what charm can soothe her melancholy,
what art enheartens further try?

The only way to traind the hound, - a
bone ring for Fido, bona... fi[e] –
and if this will not train the bounder,
she’ll wring her bosom by and... by[e]!


© Jonathan Robin - Poem written 10 February 1990

When Lively Lady Up the Garden


When lively lady up the garden
path leads love who favours wins,
from whom should she seek free pardon
when nine months later bouncing twins

burst to birth as regrets harden
a heart which once made light of sins?
The best way forward - fix a dard on
a bankroll blessed with double chins!


© Jonathan Robin - Parody written 18 December 1995
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman



When Homely Woman Stoops to Folly


When homely woman stoops to folly
and finds, like Alfted, cakes can burn,
what can console her, melancholy,
what recipe the tables turn?

The only art that may recover
her fame from shame in every eye
and satisfy kids, husband, lover, -
is find some frozen food to buy!


© Jonathan Robin - Parody written 18 August 1991

Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?


When Perestroika’s Lacking Lolly

When Perestroika’s lacking lolly
and, fearful, faces coup de force,
what art can foil reaction’s folly,
what toy brings joy, rings not remorse?


The only ploy that can recover
lost impetus, or so we’re told,
is float a loan, employ as cover
a favoured backing, - tsarist gold!

© Jonathan Robin - Poem written 18 August 1991

Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman Wants some Lolly

When lovely woman wants some lolly
and finds too late that men betray,
what [ch]arms can compensate her folly,
and yet not give the game away?

The art to give a g[u]ilt edged cover,
to hide her shame from every eye,
is ring a banker as her lover,
then ring his changes bye and bye...

© Jonathan Robin - Poem written 25 November 1990

Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Lady’s Lacking Caution


When lovely lady’s lacking caution
and finds too late that man and fate
conspire together so her portion -
which once came clockwork - now comes late,

the only way shy of abortion -
a wayward option - is to wait
or take up riding, or the more shun
suspenders at a later date.



© Jonathan Robin - Poem written 18 August 1991

When Lonely Lady Seeks a Lover

When lonely lady seeks a lover,
and finds too late she’s out of touch,
the remedy is to uncover
those lines where beauty lingers, much
can then be made when men discover
the maid is open to their clutch... –
Yet brakes applied too late’s above ‘er, ...
and, Lord, thou savest such!



© Jonathan Robin - Poem written 16 August 1991

Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Big-Four Brokers


When big-four brokers stoop to folly,
and find that lines of credit can
incur a fine, dark melacholy
increases when they’re in the can!

What [s]m]art succeeds, and can discover
a loophole letting some assign
the blame while shame sends some to cover,
and forces others to resign?

When die is cast and Daiwa tinkers
with statements false meant to mislay,
do yankee bankers put on blinkers,
or is the Devil then to pay?

The only way to get a tip on
an exit sure when credit’s nippy,
is bank upon the Bank of Nippon, -
or cut the losses, turn a hippy.


© Jonathan Robin - Poem written 10 November 1991


Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman_Mme de Ségur


Lorsqu’une femme, après trop de tendresse
D’un homme sent la trahison
Comment, pour cette si douce faiblesse
Peut-elle trouver une guérison?

Le seul remède qu’elle peut ressentir,
La seule revanche pour son tort
Pour faire trop tard l’amant repentir
Hélas! trop tard, - est la mort!


? Original 1719 Mme de Ségur?


Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?



When Lovely Woman


When lovely Woman stoops to folly,
and finds too late that men betray,
what charm can soothe her melancholy,
what art can wash her guilt away?

The only art her guilt to cover,
to hide her shame from every eye,
to give repentance to her loverr,
and wring his bosom, is – to die





Oliver Goldsmith

Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?


When Lovely Woman

When lovely Woman stoops to folly,
In the happy fields of hay,
Then heigh-ho, the holly; this life is most jolly,
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
My heart leaps up when I behold
Thy long-preserved virginity;
Bring me my arrows of desire
Because my love has come to me.
Let us go then, you and I,
Under the wide and starry sky,
We’ll take a cup o’kindness yet,
Lest we forget, lest we forget.


S.J. Kilmington

Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman’s melancholy;
and finds she’s in a love-sick way,
must she be bound by custom’s folly,
and never more her love betray?

No! Helen must her heart discover
to Modus; but if all is vain,
and he should scorn to be her lover,
her sole resource is – try again.

Fun 25 March 1885 Author Unknown
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman - Woman’s Rights

When lovely woman reads Le Follet,
and tries her best to men betray;
she makes herself a pretty dolly,
but fritters all her soul away.

When she grows old, and charms decay,
and crow’s-feet come beneath each eye;
when skin is wrinkled –hair is gray –
her only chance is then – to dye!


Le Figaro I i 1873 Author Unknown
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman

When foolish man consents to marry,
and finds, too late, his wife a shrew,
when she her point in all must carry,
‘tis hard to say what’s best to do!

In hopes the breeches to recover,
to hide his shame from every eye,
to be as free as when her lover,
his only method is – to fly!


Dr. Silversmith 19th. Century
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman - Stanzas on Men


To an Old Bachelor

If lovely woman seeks to enter
the crowded bus in which you ride,
have you the heart to discontent her,
or would you rather go outside?

Im brute enough, I dare to state,
although it may the lady vex,
to keep my seat, and let her wait, -
I’ve “bussed” too many of the sex.


Gossip: 16 May 1885 Author Unknown
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?
When Lovely Woman takes to Lollies


When lovely woman takes to lollies,
and finds too late her teeth decay,
what penitence can cure her follies,
what analgesics pain allay?

If beautiful, she shall be pitied;
if ugly, each good-tooth’s one butt,
Thus she must get her mouth refitted,
or, what is better – keep it shut!

The Grasshopper: 1 July 1869 Author Unknown
amended JR 1991
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman - Fashion

When lovely woman stoops to fashion
and finds it like man’s fancy change,
what can reclaim the truant passion,
and capture it nome to range?

The only way to curb love’s passion
and charm her fickle lover’s eye,
to bring the colour to her chignon –
as the old joke says, is, to dye.


The Hornet Author Unknown 19th. C.
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman finds that breaches
of promise are her suitors wear,
what is it the black record bleaches
and comforts the deserted fair?

To punish the unfaithful lover;
where only he’ll his falsehood rue,
substantial damages recover –
pursue him not, but his purse sue!

Author Unknown Prior to 1888
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman - Mint Sauce after Lamb

When man, less faithfull than the colley,
deserts his love and goes astray,
what art can make the maiden joylly?
what charm can drive her grief away?

The way her grief to overcome is,
instead of lying down to die,
to clame three thou, for breach of prmise,
and show her swain the reason why?

Judy: 24 August 1881 Author Unknown
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman - Sung by a Clubbess

When lovely woman’s melancholy
because her husband stays away
from home, pursuing some mad folly, -
(“tis buisiness, love, ” they always say!)

The only plan to teach him manners
and cure the midnight latchkey hub,
is, Dears, to march beneath our banners -
so, ladies, come and join our club.

prior to 1888 Author Unknown
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?
When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman longs to marry,
and snatch a victim from the beaux,
what charms the soft design will carry –
wahat art will make the men propose?

The only art her shcemes to cover,
to giver her wishes more success,
to gain, to fix a captive lover,
and “wring his bosom is, to DRESS.

prior to 1888 Author Unknown
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?


When Lovely Woman - Stanzas by O.G.



When lovely woman takes to rinking,
and finds how hard the asphalte’s got,
what charm can save her heart from sinking,
what art can heal the injured spot?

The only plan she can pursue,
to save herself another fall,
in fact the only thing to do,
in Future’s not to rink at all!

Author Unknown - The Idylls of the Rink 1876
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?


When Lovely Woman - A Remedy


When lovely woman stoops to poli-
tics, and finds it doesn’t pay,
what charms can wean her from her folly,
and put her in the proper way?


The only plan we can discover,
is one the one we now propose;
that she should swiftly find a lover,
marry him, and mend his hose.





Diogenes 1853 Author Unknown
amended JR 1991
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman – Lines to a Grey Sister


When lovely woman touches forty,
and finds, too soon, her hair is gray,
what charm can make her blithe and sporty
and hide the fact that she’s passé?

There’s but one way to make her pleasur
and bring back gladness to her eye,
so, fast, the horse of Taurus seizing,
Her only refuge is – to dye!



Dick LAW
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman stoops to folly
the evening can be awfully jolly...

DEMETRIADIS Mary
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield

When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman wants a favour,
and finds, too late, that man won’t bend,
what earthly circumstances save her
from disappointment in the end?

The only way to bring her over,
the last experiment to try,
whether a husband or a lover,
if he have feeling, is to cry!


Phoebe CARY Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?

When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman’s feeling jolly
but finds alas her hair turns grey,
what wash can soothe her melancholy,
what soap can drive the grey away?

The only art her age to cover,
to hide the truth from every eye,
to have a young man as a lover,
and him to marry is, to dye.

Alexander STODART-WALKER
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?
When Lovely Woman

When lovely woman stoops to folly and
paces about her room again, alone,
she smoothes her hair with automatic hand,
and puts a record on the gramophone.

Thomas Stearns ELIOT
Parody Oliver GOLDSMITH - When Lovely Woman
Vicar of Wakefield... but origin French?