When The Smoke Clears Poem by Jesse Ellsbury

When the smoke
clears and the fire engines
disappear I’ll find that my house
still remains
like a Grecian statue,
the history behind me
won’t bury me in my own pain
I won’t immolate,
I won’t dissipate,
I’ll somehow endure
to the end.
I’ll eventually see death is miles away
and I’ll wave to it like an old friend.
The past that destroyed me when I was a boy
will see my middle finger up straight,
I’ve come to terms with the fate I had earned
and realize that it’s not too late
to start anew with a heart that is true
and not tainted by mistakes that I made.

When the smoke clears I’ll wipe away tears that refused to allow me to see
that life isn’t over and the four-leaf clover I thought that I found was a weed
and instead of burning what I thought was a yearning I’ll bury it deep in the earth
and then stand up tall knowing that when we fall it’s just another chance for rebirth
like the phoenix, I’ll realize and see this life is not over but has just begun.
The missteps will be there and I’ll have to clear the hurdles when I hear the gun,
but every one I get past will lead me to the last one standing between me and my fate
and I’ll sprint like hell from the funeral bells and take solace in the arms of my mate.

When the smoke clears I will see that my fears can finally be overcome,
I will rise from my bed, tell myself I’m not dead and that there is no need to run.
The troubles I have will not seem so bad and I’ll smile in response to the frowns,
I will open my eyes and not need to cry and when I look up I won’t feel so down.
The sun that I find will not make me blind and I won’t have to look at the wall,
the joints I forsake will no longer replace the fear that I one day will fall.
The breakdowns I live will cease to give me a reason to take my own life,
and I’ll finally be able to pretend to be stable enough to deserve my own wife.

Sobriety’s not easy but nothing worth keeping ever is, I suppose,
I don’t know where it’ll take me but I hope it'll make me feel a bit more in control.