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Ligia E. Hernandez


Why Do I Love Him, When I Hate Him So Much?


Why do I love him, when I hate him so much? Is what I always ask myself.
When I’m at school, when I’m in close proximity from him, when I’m at home, when I’m in bed.
This stupid question is always in my head!
Even now when I’m writing this stupid poem to him!
I hate the thought of him being with another girl and me fearing I might know her.
Which he claims I don’t.
I hate the fact that he not only broke my heart but he took part of my soul.
And I had about enough with people taking part of my soul!

He told me I was the only girl he needed and I believed his words!
I’ve heard this in the past from other guys and I should’ve learned by now! But stupid me fell to my knees and praised him!
I might be the dumbest girl on this God forsaken planet!
Because of him not only did I betray the trust of my Nii-san and my friends but I also broke my promise that I would never ever hurt myself to solve my problems. And I also came up with this bothersome question, which sometimes doesn’t let me sleep for days!

I know I should be over this, but I’m not!
And that’s really frustrating!
Every time I’m trying to listen some of my favorite bands on my ipod I can’t because their songs remind me of the past when him and I were together and they remind me of the present.
When I cry, when I’m mad, when I hate, when I love, their songs remind me of him!
And I hate it!

Why did everything have to go up in flames?
What went wrong! ?
Was it because I avoided him?
Maybe because I ditched him when he waited for me?
Or was it because I ignored him?
Was it that?
Was it my fault that tore us apart, that drove him away?
If it was me, I had my reasons why.
I avoided, ignored, and ditched him because it was for his own good.
I didn’t want him to get hurt. I wanted him to be safe from my ex-boyfriend’s gang.
I overheard their conversation on who to jump and when I got caught he said, “Why not give her little kid of a boyfriend a visit? I have some stuff to settle with him”.

When I heard those words I automatically knew that he was going to hurt you for me hurting him.
I ran up to him and begged on my knees not to hurt you.
He laughed and thought.
And finally after a few minutes past, which seemed hours to me he said, “Alright. I won’t hurt your precious boyfriend. On one condition. That none of my members nor I see you with him.” so I agreed to his condition and it hurt me to do so, but it was for your own safety.

So if I ended up hurting you, or not, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything about it. I knew I should’ve called the cops like my Nii-san said, but that would have made things way worst for you, so I didn’t.
And I tried to tell you but the words got lost in my throat. And when I did find them it was too late.
I tore us apart for your own safety, because I loved you.
And I hate myself for saying it but,
I still do.

Submitted: Monday, December 15, 2008

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