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What I Thought I'D Never Miss: A Reflection - Poem by Ashley Seymour

The things I thought I’d never miss, are the things I miss the most.
So often as I was growing up I thought, why is she always nagging me? She’s driving me crazy! I can’t wait until I grow up, then I won’t have to listen to her anymore. It seemed like everything that came out of Mom’s mouth began with, “Ashley? If you don’t start doing…! ” or “How many times do I have to tell you! ” or “Do you think I am your personal maid? When are you going to learn to pick up after yourself? ” I took it all for granted, thought she’d always be here. Here to guide me, lecture me, love me, knock some sense into me when I needed it. I never thought I’d miss those Sunday afternoons watching TV with her while she ironed. I would have rather been alone in my room, I was a loner, but mom wanted me to spend time with her. If only I had known that our days together were numbered, and that that time we spent together was precious. Or those long rides in the car, when it was just her and I. I always thought it was boring, but we’d talk about so many things. When I was a teenager I HATED when we’d be in the car, croozing down I75 going 70 miles an hour, and then she’d start in. “You know if you ever want me to get you birth control…… Do you have any questions about sex? ” And there was no where to go unless you were going to jump out of a moving vehicle.
And that damn tyle kitchen floor! I always thought the day mom doesn’t make me scrub the grout with a toothbrush… And now I wish we would have done it more. It was always such a pain trying to figure out what to buy her for Christmas, and now I wish I had that dilemma again. After all I usually came up with something pretty good. The holidays are coming up, that time of year is so hard… And this will be the third Christmas that the only present I will be buying for mom is a grave blanket. Who would have thought I’d ever miss her yelling up the stairs, “Rinse your damn dishes and put them in the dishwasher! ” I always thought the day would never come when she wasn’t bitching about that. And then, it did. It came way before I was ready. Yeah, I got tired of her griping at me all the time, but at least she was here, alive, to annoy the hell out of me. I miss all the happy fun times too, of course, but these are the things I never would have suspected.
It was a Saturday in October 2004, when dad came into my room and shattered my world. Her? My mom? Dead? Suicide?
She brought19 years of joy into my life and left me with so much pain tattooing a scar on my heart that time would never heal. So many unanswered questions, who? What? Why? And though I can speculate I’ll never really know her reason for taking her life that night. It amazes me what I wouldn’t give for just one more lecture, for her to bitch at me, just one more time.
We all no that life has no guaranties and that it can be awfully cruel. The most important lesson that I have learned from this tragedy is that I need to do the most important things, and I need to do them, today. Now my to-do list is prioritized much differently, because some things just can’t wait. I’ve learned not to procrastinate, not to wait till tomorrow to give someone a call and tell them how much I care. I’ve learned that nothing should be taken for granted, no matter how much you dislike doing it or how minuscule it seems. Now I don’t put off lunch with a friend or a visit with my grandparents until next week, next month, or next year. Today is a gift, and experience has taught me that for some, today is there last and they’ll never get another tomorrow.


Comments about What I Thought I'D Never Miss: A Reflection by Ashley Seymour

  • Rookie Anita Atina (1/28/2008 7:26:00 AM)

    Ashley this was honestly moving. With best wishes, Anita (Report) Reply

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