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The Weight Of Realization - Poem by Maylee Bossy

This is the first love poem

that I have written and known

what love is
I always thought I did

I’ve been writing love poems since I was thirteen
planning our wedding since I was fourteen
dating since I was fifteen
naming dream babies since I was sixteen
mentally furnishing our home at seventeen
Twenty years I’ve been wanting
a fruit I have seen but never tasted
and now I have the seeds

The idea of love is constantly
shoved down our throats
by songs and commercials and books and movies
and poets like me who write
about something they only half believe exists
because it sounds pretty on paper

Wedding after wedding and all I saw
were regular people
pretending to have some magical connection
that no one else could see

And like losing virginity,
I thought that love was highly overrated
over publicized and monetized
over hyped
over exaggerated

Something mediocre that people replay
over and over and over and
they convince themselves
that it was as good as they let on
and I still wanted a part of that

Love is a lie
Not the late night sweat soaked silent love
but the bow-tied chocolate box sold
in every song, ad and holiday card

Just different flavours
of the same shallow understanding

I bought it
until last night

I held you close to me
before I fell asleep and
for a moment
it was a memory

I felt you there but you were not

You were the face in a dream
Real and imaginary
Tangible yet out of reach

Tears wet my cheeks and your back
my neck and your shoulder
because although I have known death
I have never truly known loss

The weight of realization was liberating
I never want holding you to be a memory
I always want you here with me
all of you

I want your worn out t-shirts
I want your favourite songs played until I hate them
I want your boyish excitement
your nerdy interests
your strange curiosity
your infectious laugh
I want you
I want you
I want all of you

However long we have
I will be grateful
because I know what I’ve got
and I want to be gone before this is

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