Losing My Mind Poem by Amber Jones

Amber Jones

Amber Jones

Saint John's Hospital, Springfield, Illinois

Losing My Mind



I feel empty.
So empty.
Lost.
Left behind.
Forgotten.
I feel so cold.
Alone.
It hurts.
Why?
Because I’m “selfish”?
Because I want him with me?
Because I’m thinking about myself right now?
So what! ?
So…
What?
What now?
Now that he’s gone.
Gone away from me.
Me! The one he loved.
We made plans…and loved…and laughed…
Yes, we fought, but WHO DOESN’T! ?
He was my BEST FRIEND.

And he’s gone.
Forever?
No…please, no…
Please…?
No…
I love him.
How…
Could he not…love me anymore?
I don’t…
Understand…?
Cold.
Cold again.
Always cold.
Always jealous.
JEALOUS
Of his new “girlfriend”,
Of Kristy and Dale,
Of his strength…to go on without me.
JEALOUS
And sad.
So sad.
Always sad.
I cry a lot now.
Too often for my taste.
Indeed.
I can’t help it.
Cutting -
Yes!
Cutting is my “new” escape.
Now that I’m without
HIM.
It’s so soothing.
It works
For a little while.
Then I cut again…
And again…
And again…
More and more…
I love it…
But
I hate it.
I hate it!
I’m weak…
PATHETIC!
So PATHETIC!
I HATE MYSELF!
I’m not good enough
For
Him.
I’m not good enough.
Nope.
No. No. No.
Why?
Why do they look at me…
Like I’m some…freak?
Shame on me.
Shame on me.
Bad.
I’m a freak.
I’m different.
Amber.
Yuck!
I hate my name.
It’s not pretty enough.
Not good enough.
I’m shaking.
Anger?
Fear?
Sadness?
Who cares! ?
No pain.
No pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Ouch.
More tears.
More pain.
I’m crazy.
Yes.
Crazy.
Look at me!
Good girl.
Do what you’re supposed to do.
Don’t disobey.
You don’t exist.
Good girl.
Take my name,
My heart,
My soul,
My love,
My body,
My mind,
My virginity,
My sanity -
Take it!
Oh…
You already did.
It’s okay.
No one else but you…
Only you can have them.
Only you can have me.

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Amber Jones

Amber Jones

Saint John's Hospital, Springfield, Illinois
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