One More Time Poem by Kayarri Moat

there's an emptiness in the room
it's not the laughter or my mom yelling boom
as she wins monopoly
no, this emptiness is in me
it's my stomach
and though we just sat down to eat
they talked about colleges and sweet 16s
nobody paid attention to me
because then they wouldn't have the sweet relief
of congratulating me when they see me become
nothing but skin and bone
10 pounds
20 pounds
30 pounds
its gone
but still not good enough
i look in the mirror and all i see is my failure
my aunt was half my size when she was my age
she makes sure to tell me
and to let me know i need to lose the weight
i buy clothes that are to small
'i'll fit into them soon' i tell myself
i won't eat for one more week, it's fine
one more week is ok right?
i can double my workout
that'll have to work
well... its been a week and still
no change
one more week can't hurt right?
fasting and exercising
it has to work
one week turns into 2
and then 3
soon enough i can't even remember
the last time i sat at the table downstairs
at least my aunt thinks im pretty now
at least i look good in that skirt
the fasting and exercising are my new obsession
but maybe i need to hurt to learn my lesson
i find a blade
1slash
then 2
3
4
5
6
my paper towel is covered with blood
i feel faint as i clean up after to hide what happened
i step on the scale
and to my satisfaction
i've lost 15 pounds
'this works' i tell myself
half stating facts half trying to convince myself that im not going though some deep shit
6 months later
i've lost over 100 pounds
im officially underweight
but i dont stop
i cant stop
it's like an addiction
my friends realized what was going on
and they got me help
im not underweight anymore
but the slashing and burning didn't stop
im ok but somehow i feel like im not
i think i need to be skinny
one
more
time