Thomas Phelps

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The Right-Sided Diet

I made a dietary breakthrough the other day
Although it won't help mankind in any big way,
Or womankind either, if it comes to that,
It's about a problem I have with a bit too much fat.

I need a right-sided diet, but I haven't found one yet
Although I spent a week surfing the internet.
Our pharmacist said, 'No, I haven't got one of those.'
And he either laughed or had a tickle up his nose.

I wrote to the top chemists explaining what I lack,
But none of them have sent an answer back.
Well, I don't mind if the world laughs at me,
I need a right-sided diet. That's my discovery.

It isn't something marvelous like the 'missing link'
But you will agree it's important.... I think
And just like Isaac Newton when the apple fell
And he said, 'That's gravity that is! Well I'll go to 'ell.'

There was I in my bathroom wearing only a frown
When my metaphorical apple came tumbling down.
I did a small, quite basic experiment
And the answer came to me, as though heaven sent

For when on the scale I put my left foot on its own,
I found that my weight was nearly two stone
But when my right foot joined my left foot off the floor
The arrow shot up to twelve stone four

So my right side is heaviest, obviously.
When I find a right-sided diet, you'll see a new me.

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