VICTORIA GEORGE

I wanted a chocolate tea-pot
As a gift for a good friend’s birth-day
But I did feel a bit of a clot
Searching for this on e-Bay
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I have adapted this classic song:

How many kinds of sweet flowers grow
In an English country garden?
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I wish I could stop swearing
It really is a vice
For people with good hearing
It isn’t very nice
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When evening turns to darkest night
And stars are in the sky
When the garden’s swathed in silver light
That’s when my fox comes by
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Mother Nature and Father Time
Are such a spiteful pair
Together they commit bad crimes
Of damage beyond repair
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I had a tame rat named Fiona
I bought her last year on e-Bay
The ad said ‘one careful owner’
So I was happy to take her away.
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I’m now so careful what I buy
From any gal or bloke
For once bitten, now twice shy
From pigs that are in a poke
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My once skinny hips - are now fat
My pants are far too tight
Now my stomach's not flat
Getting into my clothes is a fight
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I used to race pigeons for money
Two nice ones “Jampot” and “Honey”
They couldn’t fly far
So I took them by car
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We’ve all been given a name
Which some of us really don’t like
Our parents are so much to blame
I think some of them do it for spite
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I bought a nice car-a-van
From a seller who was on e-Bay
He seemed a very nice man
So I was happy to take it away
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I bid on a beautiful ring
With a very hefty price tag
But got outbid on this thing
So I bid on a Prada hand-bag
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Housework’s such a waste of time
Cleaning all that filth and grime
You scrape and wipe the filthy glass
You shine and polish all the brass
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Multi task’s a thing for gals
It’s not a thing for males
We can talk to all our pals
While painting finger nails
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One day Pooh Bear said to Tigger
Why don’t we open an account on eBay?
Our funds will soon get much bigger
And we’ll have hunney to eat every day
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I decided to buy some cheap flights
From a cheap on-line travel shop
I wanted to see all the sights
In Bangladesh and in Bangkok
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I was reading the paper today
A bit about home remed-ies
I’d make some to sell on e-Bay
After all, how hard could it be?
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I opened an eBay address
In my dog’s name, smellyoldbess
She sold quite a lot - of tatty old grot
To buyers who want something for less.
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I once wrote to a literary agent
Saying I wrote some good po-et-ry
I said I wanted his comment
Could his give his advice for this free?
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This 'poem' is actually totally and completely true and really happened to me a few years ago. I still laugh just thinking about it. Wicked really.

I once bought a load of LPs
That I saw ad-vert-ised on eBay
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