Just shut up already about herbal remedies, I told her.
This was on Valentines Day, hours before Sally fed
my dog some herbal medication
and he brewed butt coffee
and lost it all over my house after she left.
When I came home greeted by brown valentines
on my shoes, rug, and - omigod - headphones,
I had to walk around outside to calm down
before I picked up the phone.
I expected her to claim it was good
for the dog to clean out his system.
But she surprised me, apologized and
came over, did a pretty good clean-up,
I did have to throw out the shoes
and there was no way I was going to
use those headphones again.
So she did okay.
I broke up with her anyway.
Find an herbal remedy for that, bitch!
No, I didn’t say that,
but we did break up the following year
on Valentines Day.