A quick biography of me. My parents fell in love at the age of 16 and 17. Got married at 18 and 19 and are still deeply in love now. They tried for 7 years to have me and a year after my birth I was gifted with a sister. I had a wonderfully loving family who nurtured my curiosity. I guess these lyrics sum up my childhood.
'When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me'
But my innocence could not last, oh no an ego must be constructed. We must pit the children against each other in a constant competition of one up man ship. Tell them that some are great at this, others are great at this. Start the process of separation definition. I was cruelly ripped out of a world where everything was one. To a world where I was a clever boy and the only way that meant anything was if I was better than others at one thing or another. Bigheadedness was born out of a fear that really I wasn't better. One endless hoop after another and success was just through the other side, always the other side.
But then they send me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, responsible, practical
And then they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Clinical, intellectual, cynical
I worshipped the intellect. Everything could be understood, comprehended. There is no god and when you die there's nothing. But always there was this memory of another world. A beautiful mysterious wonderful world of feeling and experience. The intellect found Buddhism and the Tao de Ching. And as for experience, large doses of magic mushrooms did the trick. So I'd found the mysterious wonderful world, yet everyday I was forced into a building where everything was a diagram a test. Learning what others had learnt not finding out discovering things learning what others had discovered. Where was the wonder? The joy? Oneness? It was crushed with competition insecurity and blandness. I'd found the world I loved and was forced into a world of fear and doubt. Where everyone was out for themselves. I was lost in this world so I clung to what I knew, logic reason. Mathematics the sciences. I was good so I followed the natural course of everyone's expectations medicine. Before I went I had a gap year where I had the most wonderful experiences of my life I was free and I traveled to south America became who I wanted to be. Had friends who loved me for me. And I loved myself, who I was, but alas this did not last.
Medicine. A degree who's name stirs the ideas of responsibility, sensibility, intellectuality. A world of beauty, wonder, discovery, acceptance, joy. To being a machine, having to assimilate as much information as possible in the shortest amount of time. No time for questioning, exploration. No. Just assimilate, regurgitate. I knew this before I went but I hoped nay, prayed that it's saving grace would be my fellow students. Maybe I'd find people like me. People who could see through the materialistic, consumer based, individualistic capitalism for the shroud it was. Who had questioned everything like me. Who knew that life wasn't meant to be like this. We were meant to be happy, to love, to know that really i am you and you are me and that everything is truely one. Instead I found the exact opposite. Oh they could learn. Repeat back exactly what they were told brilliantly. But that was it. I'd jumped through all the hoops to get there, but I didn't believe in them. Didn't let them define me. Didn't just accept them. To me it was all a game and I was good at the intellectual game, but it wasn't fun. I'd given up believing I could understand the world with the intellect quite a time ago. They hadn't, they didn't know it was just a game. Now I'm generalising here I can't help but do so, for most were strongly monotheistic and intellectual. And whilst I could play that game it was only fun if the others new it was a game as well.
The expectation of society, my parents, grandparents and well being completely lost, thrust me into depression and a heroin habit (for nothing suppresses pain better) . Eventually suspended my studies, came off the heroin and went back to my great friends who I went to lots of gigs with. Had a glorious time. My parents saw the transition from low to high. Called out some psychiatrists who I politely told to stick it where the sun don't shine and I got sectioned for being too trusting of people therefor people could take advantage of me. Only after being sectioned did I truly realise how different I was.
The mental home alienated me from my parents and when I came out I was by myself. Lost, so back to drugs, ketamine this time. It took me 2 years to know what to do. I looked inside and really searched for the subject I loved at school and it was drama.
My life has been my show, my performance. For I don't consider myself to be nick, he is just a creation, a performance.