angel bor.

Rookie (Nov.18th / casa grande)

A Lost Soul - Poem by angel bor.

When I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger,
Everything fell away,
The man I was,
Would my children miss me?
Would they even remember?
I think by doing this will cure the pain I’ve caused them
I wish I could fight this.
But how is one man alone suppose to fight the shadows of his past
The demons that come
The only way to escape is through this bottle
Every sip is only one more step closer to escaping this horrid reality
Its one more step until im completely covered by my own sweet abyss
How am I to be a father and husband when I am not even able to put down my devilish drink
The man I want to be is able to look his own daughter in the eyes after a nightmare
And say “daddy’s here baby, ill always be here don’t worry”
But the truth is
Somehow I’ve lost track of time itself
Sometimes I cant tell one day from another
If there truly is a god,
Where was he when I was beaten.
Or when I lost my father, or even my mother
I don’t know how to believe in something that’s not there
I work two jobs to make sure my family is supported
I do it weather or not their living with me,
I want them to be with me and to have the family I didn’t have,
The loving mother….ahhh chrissy….. I love her so much, but how am I to show her?
And kyle….my little man….he’s my boyJ
And sammy….she’s not even really mine but she might as well be. I love her
She’s one of my own…..
And angel, that’s my hairy back silver back gorilla girl…my Arnold….she’s so
Much older than what she should be for her age. Her and her bratz.
Her dads an ass.
I am somewhat happy they don’t live me…
When they do they have to see the monster daddy becomes…
They have to hear the yelling….things being thrown and broken…
And I have to see the pain in their eyes when the monster inside me is done throwing
Its daily tantrum, and has had its fill of pain, anger, fear and sorrow that’s
Caused my family to fall apart….
I try to be the man everyone wants me to be…I want to be that man….
But every time I come close to achieving it, I fall apart again……
But I love the man I am when chris or one of my hooligans look inside my eyes and it feels like the monster inside me disappears for that little moment it takes for them to say the three simple words
I guess im just a lost soul…..I hope now that that one deed is done…this “god” they speak of will help this lost soul find somewhere it belongs…..
My tomorrow will never come.
My good-bye was never said
No more sunrises nor sunsets
No more getting up in the morning
No more “I love you ”’s
I will no longer feel the love of my wife and children..
Or hear the sound of laughter…
But I will continue to be,
By not being……

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, May 13, 2010

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