Bbc Reporter Poem by Mike Michaels

I like to take a stroll sometimes in the evening
Just before it's dark, as the day is leaving
And so it was, on one of these occasions
That I was accosted by a gang of pugnacious young caucasians
They were in the mood for trouble, they coveted aggravation
The anger of that stark brood was double, their thirst for confrontation
They began with verbal abuse from which one could hardly not deduce
That they regarded documentary evidence of my father impossible to produce
They hurled a tirade of expletives, my sensibilities were maligned
Then they threatened me with a use for my umbrella for which I’m sure it’s not designed
My body and mind were bruised, nose bloodied and eyes were blackened
And as I stumbled about confused in a storm of blows that never slackened
Both fists and feet flailed around me until I was entirely mauled
Then to my relief an approaching siren announced that the local constabulary had been called
My assailants chose to come quietly; their apprehension was not contested
And during a sudden display of polite deference they were efficiently arrested
However they could not help themselves as they submitted to the steely bonds of their subjection
They all glared at me, one winked and then they cast a collective smirk in my direction


In time my wounds were healed and bandages were discarded; some months had been traversed
There was no longer the signature upon my flesh of that time it was bombarded and my
good fortunes reversed
The time had at last arrived for judicial retribution
So I attended the local Court of a gleaming Royal headress affiliation
The case was so clear cut; I anticipated justice unmarred by any travesty
And that for years my assailants would count the tiles on ceilings, at the pleasure of Her Majesty
Said the advocate for the accused ' tell us in your own words please, exactly what took place'
'Certainly' I replied ' my reputation was impuned and then they punched me in the face'
I was minding my own business, strolling at a nonchalantly languid pace
When the fiends launched an assault upon my person of unqualified disgrace
I gave a full description of the events as they had occurred
Confident that the court would act upon an honest person’s word

Proceedings were drawing to a close, I had given testimony to the best of my ability
Despite the advocate of the accused attempts to undermine me with undue incivility
And his vulpine determination to paint a picture of events that would alert the jury to the possibility
That my assertions were nothing more than a flimsy scaffold of fragility
When the scurrilous fiend deployed an ace of such exquisite perspicacity
That the court gasped and strained as one not to applaud the man's audacity
The chamber resoundly echoed as the court stenographer, bruised every fingertip in her eagerness to record such sublime sagacity
The man proceeded to call a witness whose testimony he said would be impeccable
And my heart was clutched by the grim foreboding of a looming legal debacle
I hoped for an expert witness, perhaps some professional retorter
But my head fell to my hands when the Court Officer quietly escorted to the stand a BBC reporter


He was clothed in the fine attire of an exquisite tailors cut
His shoes hinted at his familiarity with the full range of wealth’s gamut
He strode confidently, swiftly, some might say too eagerly, to the stand
Then stood to face the court, proudly, brandishing his microphone in one hand
Said he 'The spokesman for the accused has said they were provoked
By the palintiffs aggressive gait and his threatening overcoat
Their spokesman has also stated unequivocally without any hint of doubt
That the plaintiffs garish tie was so loud as to evoke their fearful shout
He continued 'sources close to the accused have said it's beyond all rational question
That as the plaintiff passed them by, he launched several glances in their direction'
He proceeded 'Their spokesman has made it clear: they simply had no choice,
The threat was too immense
They were forced to take their pre-emptive, acts of self defence'
Then he turned to directly face the jury, supremely confident (as was his way)
Could blows have rained down upon the plaintiff as you heard him say
If he had done all he could to get out of the way?
He brandished a conjured photograph in M'luds direction 'their spokesman has given me this'
'There were injuries on both sides, see how his teeth have cut their fists? ! '
'A source close to the accused has said that it's only through their self control, fine character, good will and sense of charity
That they have agreed not to seek financial compensation for this charlatan's vulgarity'


The court then fell silent in deference to the principal wigged orator
Spectacled, robed and pedastalled, the wizened courtroom Pater
He spoke 'The accused are clearly innocent, Violence was the perpetrator
It's an unpredictable phenomenon but will inevitably occur sooner or later
There's a lot of it around it can just pop up out of nowhere
Much like unpleasant English weather or a weaker force of nature
As in this case before us, where Violence erupted on both sides
And so my intense deliberations have therefore led me to realise
That I must instruct the jury in the pursuit of their decision
To regard the plaintiff's case with a mountain of derision'
'Thank you' said the Foreman 'very much M'Lud
You are very wise indeed
But may I say to you that there really was no need?
As I'm sure that even the rueful plaintiff will now readily concede
He has no grounds at all to feel even vaguely aggrieved
Which is why we have reached our verdict at record breaking speed
Yes, thanks to the BBC’s fine reporter all twelve of us have agreed
That the events in question could not be helped, no person is to blame
As you have just implied, sudden outbreaks of Violence are difficult to tame
Nobody is responsible, there is no victim here
Thanks to the balanced BBC the matter could hardly be more clear
So we find the accused Not Guilty of any wrong or crime
And we find it is unnecessary therefore for you to award Her Majesty a second of their time

And with that the court rapidly vacated
Led by the preening Piper from the BBC
Until I was left alone to ponder, quietly and unsated
The ancient conundrum that is the difference between Human perception and reality.