Because....This Is My Story. Poem by Lane Morein

Because there is no conventional cure for my mental illness.

Because I mostly purchase books from the thrift store based on the slight chance that I might need them for reference one rare day.

Because I've burned many bridges, there are people in this world that I was once close with who refuse to have any contact with me.

Because all of my tattoos have deeply rooted meaning.

Because I think that cell phones are like an evil cancer taking over society one rude person at a time, but I still use one based on the conveniency of them.

Because people come and people go, and permanence is really impermanent.

Because I don't really catastrophize events in life anymore and very rarely do I grasp like a fiend for false comfort.

Because it's virtually impossible for me to go to the bar and only have two drinks.

Because my friends mean the world to me and I wouldn't trade them even for that.

Because the past is over and done with, there are memories and occurances which cannot be altered, but the future is like play-dough in my hands.

Because people actually pray with Lynard Skynard blasting in the background at my family reunions.

Because 'Good Morning' has an actual ring of truth to it latley.

Because I am intermittently thoughtful.

Because rap and hip hop speak to my soul at times like urban poetry.

Because sometimes I feel caged and paralized like my back is against a brick wall, but these times are getting fewer and farther in between.

Because i haven't been gainfully employed in almost 5 years.

Because sometimes all I want to do is smoke a cigarette.

Because when I call my Grandmother I mostly listen and hardly talk.

Because sometimes I think that I'm the normal one and maybe it's everyone else in the world that's completely messed up.

Because there are moments when it's difficult to be objective when I can't recall simple events or conversations with loved ones.

Because there was a time in my life when bulimia felt like the only power I has when it actually controlled everything including me.

Because I've been so blacked out drunk that I've made out with toothless cab drivers for free rides.

Because talk is dirt cheap and philosophy cannot be definitively proven, but words are all I've got right now.

Because I try my best to embrace and accept life while still keeping my goals in clear view.

Because things have drastically changed, both for better and for worse. I just try to find a spot nestled comfortably between the renovation and decay.

Because fear is real, but I'm refusing to let my choices and actions be based upon such nonsense.

Because I see something special in myself that has the ability to change the world.

Because I dance readily and sing with sincere enthusiasm.

Because I've been clinically depressed since I was 9 years old.

Because when I hold a pen in my hand I feel like I could re-write history.

Because I'm probably the only person you know who has had electroconvulsive therapy or at least will talk about it openly.

Because I'm not really an eleoquent poet.

Because I never thought I would make it this far.

Because life's most beautiful and meaningful moments happen at 2am, and in the past there have been few but I know the future will have many.

Because this is a story who's time has come.

Because I've attempted suicide once but contemplated it over 1,000 times.

Because perfection is found in the imperfect.

Because I've realized that kisses are not promises, through tears and heartbreak and my own reflection in the mirror.

Because I'm a survivor of the past, and a thriver in the future.

Because things are seldom what they appear to be.

Because I feel whole for the first time in my life.

Because I'm nowhere near perfect, I have my faults and inconsistencies just like the rest of the world.

Because I'm no longer playing the role of the helpless and hopeless victim.

Because maybe by reading this your own pain is eased and you feel less alone.

Because yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not arrive, and 5 minutes from now is not promised.

Because 'mistake' isn't really a word in my vocabulary, 'life lesson' is a preferred term, and all in all there have been many.

Because I've made peace with my past.

Because one pen stroke at a time I'm taking back my freedom and life. With each letter I write I'm reclaiming power and making happiness and peace my own. Sentences break the chains and shackles of lies and depression, of every terrible occurance and I'm righting all the wrongs.

Because of all these things, I am telling my story and making my voice heard.

(Excerpts from the next issue of my self published zine, work in progress,2009)