When I was 13 I had so many dreams of the kind of future I wanted to have. I had crazy unconventional ways of how I wanted to lead my life. I was 13 but I was full of life. I wanted to be a youtuber, I wanted to know how to build a fire, I wanted to volunteer all the time, I wanted to learn French, I wanted to dance hip hop because I thought it was the coolest thing in the world, I would listen to my ‘sad' music that would make me feel the oxygen I am breathing. Over the course of the years, I have lost myself. I have lost my kindness. I have lost my dreams. I have lost my humanity. The environment you grow up in plays a big role in your life. Society, you'd learn, shapes you into the person that's deemed ‘ideal'. You not wanting to pursue your hobbies becomes encouraged. You not engaging in relationships that teach you love is encouraged. You not feeling the emotions that make you human is encouraged. You not being sensitive is considered being brave. They tell you just finish high school you'll find yourself after. Finish your bachelors, you'll find yourself after. Finish your masters, you'll find yourself after. You can't complain. Complaining is being ungrateful. Be numb. Be immune to your vulnerability. Stop being dramatic.
When you do find someone and you let your walls down and love them so intensely, because you've already lost your goals and your dreams, but you still have this fiery passion inside you, you make the mistake of investing it all on this person. They become your support system and the reason you're happy. You convince yourself they've cured your emptiness. The tragic element in this formula you've adapted your life to is your belief that this person is ready for your enormous love. Is ready to receive your passion and reciprocate it. Until you start suffocating this person. Until you realize you've based your entire life's content on another flawed human being. Your walls start going back up brick by brick. The grave of emotions you have previously temporarily filled with quicksand starts eating you again. You blame the other person. You blame them for their inability to cope with your intensity, with your broken self esteem, with your shattered goals. Anxiety and depression creep into your soul. You're not allowed to have these though because you're in an Arab society and these emotions are not recognized. These emotions are a foreign concept. Our bodies are built differently than those overseas. We have Islam. People have used Islam as a way to deny those emotions. Used it as an excuse to not allow themselves to feel ungrateful or anxious or the slightest sorrow although God has created those emotions for us to feel them. It is part of being human.