Gay - Poem by Stephanie Cage
I know I’m gay but not in my dreams
I pretend everyday life is not what it seems.
Inside my head I lose control
I just hope it doesn’t show…
Because I hide it from my mother
And her world of Christianity
I lay in bed at night wondering
“Why God why me? ”
He never answers back
So I leave a note in my prayer box.
Saying “Lord please change me back,
Please turn back the clocks.”
“Please take these thoughts away
& mess with my free will.
I don’t care do anything, just change the way I feel.
I don’t want to break my mom’s heart
Or shatter it to bits
by telling her the truth
Of the crime that I commit.
I don’t want to look at the same sex
And feel funny inside.
I want to be in love,
In a love I don’t have to hide.
I don’t want to see beauty
In another man’s face
I just don’t want to God
I feel like a disgrace!
Then I couldn’t hold it in
I went to mom with soiled cheeks
I told her the truth & she said I’m not the son she seeks.
She couldn’t love me anymore
She practically said it with her eyes
My heart fell to my stomach
“Just leave” she advised.
“But mom” I tried
she cut me off like I wasn’t even speaking
She turned her head like my eyes weren’t even leaking.
Im no longer the child she raised me to be
No longer the Toddler who cries on skinned knees.
No longer the baby who has his future ahead
I am just a gay person trying to be fed
Trying to swallow all the words I just spoke
I wish I could have stopped them I wish I would’ve choked.
Not literally, but I don’t know where to turn
my dream of her sympathy
just completely crashed and burned.
I am no longer who she wants all in all
But without my mother my world is so small.
Note to God; Please let mother understand
Note to self; I can still be loved… I can
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