Chandra Hohmann

I Always Hated Him - Poem by Chandra Hohmann

I always hated him
Hated his bigotry
Hated his petty cruelness
Hated the way he obsessed over the smallest things.
Hated those goddamn never ending self-help tapes

Hated the way he always pointed out my weaknesses
Fought dirty.
Hated the way he talked to my mother

Hated the way that no matter what I did it stayed the same.
He still screamed and stormed.
He never changed. No matter what.
I hated him

He’s changing now.
He forgets things.
Gets confused.
Always telling jokes
Like a toddler whose discovered their first knock-knock

I hate him even more for that.
For this first glimpse at his mortality.
The way one minute he’s fine
Articulate, and ready to take on the world.
And the next he’s not.

I hate him for scaring me.
Making me feel what I’m not supposed to feel.

He was always old.
Older then the other Daddies on the playground.
I never understood what that meant.

He’s becoming a doddering old man.
Senile. Not yet. But in a year? Five years, ten?

He’s still petty, still cruel.
Still freaks over the littlest things.
Definitely still a bigot.

But he’s changing.

I hate change now.

I shouldn’t have to bother to worry.
Not about him.

Don’t want to care
Can’t stand always wondering.

I hate it.
But I love him.

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Poem Submitted: Friday, June 17, 2005

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