Bernard Franklin

Rookie (14 Aug- 1958 / Bath, Somerset)

My Mother In Law - Poem by Bernard Franklin

As much as I love my mother-in-law,
I so wish she’d settle down,
in another country far away,
or at least in another town.
It’s the rolling pins that frighten me,
and her teeth by the side of the bed,
her false leg is used as a battering ram,
and is so heavy it must be lead.

When she smiles her false teeth move around,
inside that cavernous mouth,
and I’m not saying her bra’s don’t fit any more
but her boobs have been travelling south! .
The old ‘piny’ she wears she bought at a fete,
in nineteen forty two,
she very rarely takes if off,
and never wears anything new.

I’m terrified when she uses her acid tongue,
to cut my conversation in half,
and to see me falling flat on my face,
would really make her laugh.
As she sits in the evening knitting barb wire,
watching T.V. through a lens,
she practises yoga and karate as well,
and ties a knot in herself if she bends!

The first time I heard her dulcet voice,
I thought Richard Burton was reborn,
and when she raises her voice or clears her throat,
she sounds like a Titanic fog horn.
She’s always liked a drink or two,
and often murders a bottle of gin,
but when she puts her swimming costume on,
she looks like a shark with a fin! .

I honestly love this woman to bits,
it’s a shame she’s a hundred and two,
because when she finally gets to the pearly gates,
I’m sure she’ll out live the sacred Jew! .
I’ve been a bit rough on this dear old girl,
as she’s done some good thing in her life,
it was fifty years ago today,
she gave birth to my wonderful wife.

If truth be known she’s an angel of sorts,
with a heart that’s made from gold,
and when God created my mother-in-law,
he decided to break the mould.

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, August 12, 2010

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