She sits
in a room of darkness dreary
her thoughts retract
into infinite remoteness
where
she recounts visions of ponies
rainbows
butterflies happy thoughts
pigtails and ocean swimming
the simpler times
she stretches her imagination to grasp at faint joy
like clutching leaves blown in a knifing wind
Behind the stone cold of her exterior
she
remembers when it still made her
smile; the jokes, the drama, the
concealed
motives and juicy gossip........ But now
reality rushing in like ravens and vultures
noise of wings awaiting death hoverss
because nothing seems to change
the pain won't go away
dark clothes
dark room
30 years and now solitude?
and the razorblade rests
poised above
her
ivory
wrist
white like the lace
white like the sun
like the only wedding dress
she wore just for him
searing rage boils up inside her
remembering her husbands
abrupt
desertion
she didn't lose the weight fast enough after
the baby
so she was
cast off
forgotten
like a sunken ship
abandoned.
her mother, not the type given to tender speech
had said she looked beautiful in that pristine
white
dress.
the day she would be queen of his king
she sighs
whispering words with no meaning
as she hears
the little one start to cry....
she tosses the razorblade into the garbage.
Numb, she changes the baby
and begins to rock her
to swing
slightly
singing to
her only reason to live
She feels so alone
behind that plastic smile
traces of dark mood wander
and lurk hungrily
starving to pounce on and
tear her mind a part for good.
but she shudders
under the weight of this pain
the burden of a hurt so deep
of
shattered
tomorrows
because
mommy wasn't
pretty
as those dirty pictures
mommy wasn't as curvy
pretty
as those corner dwellers
she sacrificed her figure
when she had his child
and she couldn't get it back fast enough
to
compete
so he went
out with the old
in with
the new
seduced by pictures in a magazine
and whores on a corner
their
unseeing
eyes
worth more than her
and now
the children
want to
know
where their fathers are.