Remembrance Of Those Ones - Poem by Skhy Cressell
I am a broken soul. I question the unanswerable an awful lot. Why do people even bother living? I mean, in the end we are all going to die, right? So what’s the point of even living in the first place? I have always wondered that. I just can’t seem to grasp people’s reasoning; therefore, they are unanswerable to me. I have attempted suicide more times than anyone knows. I feel like I can’t continue living when I can’t even tell you why I should be alive in the first place. What’s the point (to continue living) ? Buddha, God, anyone; I have asked and pleaded yet I still have no answer.
I can’t think now. I know I make no sense. I’m alone in this world so who can judge me, huh? Everyone can judge me, I guess, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m alone. Newsome, Channon… Bradley and Jessi… My barrier is breaking but no one seems to care. My world is going into a downward spiral while all I can do is sit, cry, hold myself and pray that tomorrow will bring a better day. It never does though.
It should have been me. I’m so sorry, Jordie! You don’t deserve this pain. Your sister was amazing and I love/d her as much as I love you. She had so much going for her; not me. She had a boyfriend who I felt that she might have married one day, she was working for Dr. Dube, had friends and a life… It shouldn’t have been her. If you ever find this Jordie then I want you to know that not a day goes by without me wishing it was me instead of her. I would willingly give up my life to bring Jessi back, and to make you and Shayne happy and back to normal again. I wish it was me instead of her sooo much! She had everything going for her and I’m worthless. It makes more sense that way. Jordan Reece Johnson, I would give up my life without hesitation if it could bring her back to you. Goddamn! Why couldn’t it have been me! ? It’s affecting me more than anyone seems to see. More than I let people see. Jessi… I miss you so much! I wish it was me instead because, unlike you who was liked by all and had great things going for you- I am just nothing. I found your tombstone-thing the other day. I was going along the names and a picture of you suddenly appeared. I freaked, cried, and then I just lost it. No one was/is there for me. You where in a car wreck… When I’m upset I drive down certain roads where I can go 50-80mph+, and I can take sharp turns and semi-drift. Is it a death wish? I know I can’t leave Jordie too, but I’m hurting so bad. I keep a dog tag like chain with your [Jessi] picture on one side, and beloved friend on the other, I wanted it to say cousin but I’ll take what I can get. I try to wear it as much as humanely possible. You are always on my mind. It should have been me! I wish it was me instead! I’m sorry! I love you, Jessica “Jessi” Joanna Johnson. July 30,1990 – October 13,2007!
We were the black sheep in a family of snow white sheep. We understood each other- something no one else in our family could do- and now you’re gone. I was angry with you… you hurt me, and embarrassed me- not to mention you used me because of the almost limitless money I had. You would get so wasted that you would have to call a cab to come and get us, sometimes you’d disappear just long enough to make a drug deal- I’m not stupid- and you would never share. You were always so fucked up, but you appeared happy. I understand that feeling now. I became you for a while. I still am you in some ways too. You have no idea how much I miss you. I need you and you’re not here. You abandoned me when I need you the most. I feel bad too. I was angry towards you, before you died, for using me while we were in Florida to visit you. I was angry with you and then YOU DIED! Now it’s too late. Who can I turn to now? Death would be welcomed- if only in my sleep though. At least, that is what I tell myself. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts lately. And ‘in my sleep’ hasn’t been my only idea. Can’t you see that I need you? You’re not here. I feel alone. I want to join you but you’re a Christian who believes in heaven, and I’m an atheist that’s considering converting to Buddhism. Will we ever see each other again?
NEWSOM & CHANNON
I barely knew you Newsom. Sadly, I don’t believe I ever met Channon. But, Newsom, you had been Jamie’s best friend since elementary school. I hung out with your gang downstairs just once or twice, but with what Jamie is going through I feel as if we have some supernatural bond where both of us are trying to watch over him. I’m sorry for what happened to you. That was wrong. I know this little letter seems distant compared to the others. Please forgive me, but my mother has decided to come back to this bedroom and she brings along her own problems. However; I want you to know that I keep a picture of you and Channon somehow placed on some nice, sturdy, dog tag shaped necklace emblem. I have one of Jessi and one of you two. I need one f Bradley too. I don’t want to have to create anymore army dog tags.
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