Jalina Mhyana

The Following Critique Refers To Earlier Versions Of My Poems - Poem by Jalina Mhyana

The first stanza loses all mystery for me.
Confusing! I think of the person, not the dragon (sorry!) .
Though the imagery is lovely, lovely, lovely.

I understand you want to honor the "obscene"
but piss doesn't smell like new-cut grass to me
& you state your meaning too explicitly.

Effective—the fucking & standing in piss.
Leaves me with feelings of desperation and loneliness—
though redundant: a vigil implies sleeplessness.

I want more interplay or conversing between these two
(just not so much fucking in the bathroom)
We don't even know - who is "you? "

I like the speaker's frustration and grit.
Love this poem's energy, the smell and taste of it.
Great staccato repetition of the word "tit."

Lines should be tattier like a zigzag of star
to embody your images and use of metaphor.
Think about audience—who do you write these for?

This is without a doubt your true calling—
"undressing the second skin" image is enthralling!
Tho. not sure about line breaks, hyphens & stalling.

Love the mythology, the elusive encryption.
The compression calls to mind Dickinson.
Just leave out the "second skin" description.

The tension btwn. language and sexism is implied
before the woodblocks become personified.
So to me, the metamorphosis feels too contrived.

This ending has "Umph"—it is so profound!
I love the repetition of "O" vowel sounds.
Pronouns confusing—maybe edit a few more rounds?

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Poem Submitted: Saturday, July 14, 2012

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