Randy Johnson

Randy Johnson Poems

521. Selena 4/25/2007
522. Lousy Pilot 9/13/2006
523. Dumbass 9/4/2006
524. Money Tree 8/23/2006
525. Whooped By A Kindergartner 9/16/2005
526. Donkey Kong Junior 12/17/2007
527. I'Ll Be There To Hold Your Hand 6/4/2007
528. You'Re Living In Paradise 4/30/2006
529. French 9/17/2005
530. My Stinking Honda 9/14/2005
531. Driving Drunk 9/4/2005
532. Philanthropist 9/6/2005
533. The Apple Of God's Eye 12/23/2007
534. Perseverance 10/19/2007
535. The Good Samaritan 2/22/2007
536. Burger 2/11/2008
537. Batman 3/9/2008
538. Everybody Deserves A Second Chance 12/16/2007
539. Ebenezer Scrooge 12/25/2011
540. Deer Hunting 10/21/2007
541. 4 A.M. 2/23/2007
542. Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Dumb 8/2/2006
543. Like The Boy Who Cried Wolf 8/10/2006
544. Don'T Commit Suicide 12/6/2010
545. I'M Spider-Man 4/23/2007
546. Symbol Of Love 1/16/2008
547. A Day Of Bad Luck 9/7/2005
548. 100 Dogs 11/28/2007
549. You Got My Sister Pregnant 10/24/2006
550. Xbox 360 8/5/2006
551. A Date With Pamela Anderson 9/3/2005
552. Frankenstein's Monster 12/22/2010
553. 800 Pounds 10/11/2006
Best Poem of Randy Johnson

800 Pounds

Two years ago I ruined my life when I got a bride.
She's 6'4' tall and about ten feet wide.
She weighs 800 pounds and I married her when I was drunk.
She eats and eats and my bank account has significantly shrunk.
She rolled over on me in bed and broke fifteen of my bones.
I wish she'd pack her bags and leave me on my own.
She's mean, she has warts on her face and it's tearing me apart.
When we go out in public, she always farts.
When she passes gas, it's louder than TNT and it really stinks.
I should've listened to my parents when they told me never to drink.

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A Day Of Bad Luck

All day long I've had bad luck.
This morning I got on an elevator and it got stuck.
I had a panic attack and thought I was going to die.
I asked a man to put out his cigarette and he stuck it in my eye.

A guy tried to take my taxi so he and I had a bout.
I thought I could win but he turned me inside out.
I learned that I have a jaw that's made of glass.
I lost several of my teeth when that guy kicked my ass.

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