Sidney Joseph Perelman

(1904_1979 / Brooklyn, New York City, New York)

Sidney Joseph Perelman Quotes

  • ''I haven't eaten in three days. I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today and I'm not going to eat tomorrow. That makes it three days!''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Arthur Sheekman, Will Johnstone, and Norman Z. McLeod. Chico Marx, Monkey Business, a complaint shipboard stowaway Chico makes to fellow stowaway Groucho Marx (1931). Groucho has no character name in the credits—he is listed as one of the "Stowaways."
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  • ''I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, a wisecrack made as Huxley College president to Connie, the college widow (Thelma Todd) about her affair with Wagstaff's son Frank (Zeppo Marx) (1932).
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  • ''When I was your age I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without supper and didn't go to bed at all.''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, a wisecrack made to his son Frank (Zeppo Marx) after hearing about Frank's escapades with the college widow (Thelma Todd) (1932).
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  • ''Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father!''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, Huxley College president after catching his son Frank (Zeppo Marx) making love with Connie, the college widow (Thelma Todd) (1932).
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  • ''I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, a wisecrack made to his son Frank (Zeppo Marx) (1932).
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  • ''I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, as a newly-appointed college president commenting on the remarks of Huxley College's outgoing president (1932).
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  • ''I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up.''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, a wisecrack made while wooing Connie, the college widow (Thelma Todd) (1932).
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  • '''Anything further, Father?' That can't be right. Isn't it 'anything farther, further?'''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, a wisecrack made as Huxley College president in response to his son Frank's (Zeppo Marx) question "Anything further, Father?" (1932).
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  • ''Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what. I'll go home to your wife and outside of the improvements, you'll never know the difference. Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage license.''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, a wisecrack made to Huxley College's outgoing president (1932).
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  • ''How much would it cost you to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?''
    S.J. Perelman, U.S. screenwriter, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby, and Norman Z. McLeod. Groucho Marx, Horsefeathers, Huxley College president to con artist Baravelli (Chico Marx) after a frustrating session of negotiations (1932).
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