Well, once again I find myself at the part where I must share who I am with you. Strangers soon to be friends. I was born and raised far up north in Green bay Wisconsin. I cannot say I ever felt that was where I was meant to be. From the beginning of my memories I dreamed of Sandy beaches, clear blue water...Golden and russet deserts and regal mountains. The fact that I found myself surrounded by souls that claimed to always want to experience these things but failed to ever do them, solidified my quest to leave there one day.
I lived all over Wisconsin, my first 21 years or so, and I must say I never truly appreciated the beauty of the state until I lived the furthest up north. I moved there all too briefly to have my first son near my father and we were blessed with the experience of living on the Ojibwa Indian Reservation where my father resided. Beautiful rolling hills covered in trees, left nearly untouched by the selfishness and greed of men who would have seen it flattened and turned to profit. It was called Lac Courte Oreilles which meant land of many lakes! It certainly fit for there were at least seven lakes in very short succession all around us. It made for blistering hot summer days cooled down by the most powerful and soulful Thunderstorms almost every other day! I had never thought I could be happy in such a small community with limited things to do. The small town of Hayward was about ten miles down a road you would have to be insane to ever walk down the side of, and the town you reached barely had a thousand people in it. I found nature while I was there.
In the beautiful wolves that would pause and stare into my eyes just off my porch and hold my gaze for small wonderful eternities. In realizing that the bears only stood up in fear of me, not danger to me, and watched me inquisitively until they were sure I was not a threat. I learned the name of every tree and bush, of every bird and creature big and small around us. I found that silence was the most beautiful thing I had never heard, when I found myself for the first time, without electricity. For once there were no cars swishing past my windows, no television, radio or computer humming away in the background. Only the wind wrapping around the tree trunks and rippling through the leaves. The gentle breathing of my children asleep in their beds. I would read by the light of a lamp until I ran out of oil, and it was bliss. I went there thinking I was running away from a life that would end in prison, to a different kind of prison in itself. I thought I went there not only for protection but so that my father could see my first child be born. The ultimate thank you. But what I found was myself. I will always look on that time as some of the best days of my life.
Unfortunately events took me away from that place. For years, I missed it, never feeling at home anywhere else. Now I am thankful to say that has changed. I have moved about as far away from that state as I can get before hitting Mexico, and I now find my self in the great state of Texas! I can't honestly say that I ever saw myself coming here. I left so many special people behind because my heart just told me it was time to let it go. I still miss them everyday.
Even now, having been here almost a year, I can't pin point a really good reason why we chose here over all the other places we could have gone. What I can say, is that I finally feel at home again. As crazy as it might sound to say that about a place I had never before been, had never even known anything about other than its high temperatures and famous Alamo. We chose the state for a few logical reasons though, being its liberal home schooling laws, and strong Republican stance. I feel it was something bigger calling us here, destiny is the only thing that feels this right inside.
Most of the people that know me from my past are filled with wonder at the woman I am now. Many never thought I could or would ever settle down, or embrace motherhood. I can't explain it either as I never pictured myself married with the house and mini van, the dogs and cats, chasing after several rambunctious toddlers! However, I have always been the kind of person that let her soul lead her where it wanted to go and that is the only explanation I have for where I am today. I never knew the strength of love a human was capable of feeling until I held my first born in my arms.
The moment I saw him, all the pain and labor it took to get him here seemed meager in comparison to what he was to me. I never loved a man until one of them made me a mother. Any feeling I had before that was miniscule infatuation, lust, necessity even, but not love. Every time I have looked at the father of my children since then, all I feel is the most intense gratitude. No one had ever given me something more dear to me than my children since the Gods granted me with life. How I ended up with so many...I joke that I may have stopped by now if I had gotten an ugly one but they have all been so cute thus far! Ha-ha But the truth is that no matter how hard we fight it, we can't beat fate.
That is why you hear so many woman claim to be barren, how else do they explain years and countless sexual encounters without protection and no fruit! I have learned that it happens when THEY want it to, not when it’s convenient for us. If the world had the ability to only have children when they were ready to be unselfish with their money, when they had all their ducks in a row, surely humans would be extinct by the end of the century! Through high doses of un-impregnable things, I conceived when they wanted me to. Through birth control and contraceptives to the ears, they bypassed my will again. Through and IUD I was told was MORE effective than sterilization, I became pregnant, and by my shear will alone prevented a doubting doctor from ending her life. Even he was baffled as he performed and ultrasound I had forced him to do before anything was done only to see an 8 week old infant wiggling around in there! After all that, and the immense love and unwillingness to give up or take back any one of them, how can I trust in anything but the plan they have for me...So I shut off my logic button on some matters I can't control and save it for those I can. Now we have six all together, I plan on stopping at 7, if the fates let us. Teehee
It has been nearly five years since I first became a mother and I love it even more every day. It makes a lot more sense to me than ever before, for I have such an adventurous soul and being a mother has been the biggest, scariest and most rewarding adventure of all!
I love to write, read, and do anything artistic or creative. I love to work with my hands to create something beautiful of something that makes people think and wonder. My greatest passion is instilling the same love for literature and art in my kids. I am always sharing favorite stories and books with them, and trying to fit in as much hands on crafts and projects into their learning as I can. I paint, a lot, and draw for the pure enjoyment of it. That and my writing is how I get through every day, every problem, every joy, and all the emotions I don't understand. My favorite thing about life is that it never stays the same! Everything is always growing and changing. I am always learning something new, and each day brings me yet another chance to make the most of it!
I would love to meet other people with the same passion for writing as I have. Feel free to introduce yourself to me anytime! I would love to get to know you!
When I think about growing old some day
I smile because I think of you.
Of all the loving words you say
And the generous things you do.
Sometimes while walking the golden path,
You come across a silver one.
Glistening in the moon light, you turn
Never realizing what you’ve done.
So innocent and sweet, perfection could not come close
Your tiny lips form a big yawn and I can’t help but to think,
Why would the gods grant me with such a blessing as her?
What did I do to deserve this angel wrapped in pink?
As she undoes the latch and pushes open the door
The blue-jays breath catches, he wants to say something but can’t.
Before she turns to smile, she re-latches it behind her.
The Blue-Jay reaches out to her silently, if only she could understand.