Tori chanthawoharn

Rookie (november 14 / Sioux Falls, SD)

Biography of Tori chanthawoharn

Tori chanthawoharn poet

Severe Depression at Its Worst

It was in 2007 that I decided that I was old enough to date. I was fifteen of course, so the fact that I fell a little too hard in love with the significant other that I pursued at the time, eventually took its toll on me and all the other people that were around me. I had always been the type to keep things bottled in and for that simplicity, people always had a tendency to judge and criticize the things that I did. I always said to myself, “don’t let it bother you, it will be okay, ” but holding things inside never gets anything accomplished.
I had just started my freshman year and I didn’t have a lot of friends to start the year out, with the exception of one of the few girls that lived in my neighborhood. Her name was Brittany Cavallo. After school we would always hang out and socialize at the bus ramp together. It was raining cats and dogs and I was completely oblivious to my surroundings, but even though my attention span was zero to nothing, I still noticed him out of the corner of my eye. His name was Zach Bolinger and he was staring right at me. Not knowing what to do, I decided to stand next to Brittany and as we started talking, I noticed that Zach was slowly making his way up to me and that is when my feelings for him started to develop and also the start of my grandparents’ animosity towards the whole relationship that turned into one giant clash that nearly ended my life and sanity.
I never did like fighting, but who would? I hated the feeling of being talked down to and still do, but in the heat of the moment my grandparents could find anything to argue about, including if it was just about the “unhealthy” relationship that I had going. Three days before Thanksgiving and they decide to give me a talk, but it was more like a verbal beating to me. My self-esteem was never as high as I wanted and most of what they constantly put into my head was not helping me and my issues at all. Stressed from school and my own paranoia of people plotting against me to hurt me, I just felt like I was alone. I remember looking out my window, hypnotized by the beauty of the chirping birds flying freely in the air and talking to each other as if they had not one problem to worry about in their life. How I wish that I were an animal. How I wish that I had freedom. I had being in solitary confinement for the past week and feeling as though I had no life, I decided to make one of my own. I decided to run away.
After being gone for a couple hours at an abandoned house in the woods, I had time to meditate to myself. Staring off into the distance at the trees, I soon found my eyes getting heavy. After a couple minutes, I fell into a deep sleep. When I awoke, I was startled to see my left leg drenched in dry blood that soaked through my pants leg. As I lifted the hem of the pants, I discovered a long and deep cut that stretched about three inches down my leg. From that point I made the decision to walk back home and get medical attention, only to find police waiting for me on the front porch. According to them I had been missing for a little over a day. I was completely out of it to the point that I had been overcome with anxiety, confusion, and deep anger that I held inside. Not only was I still on solitary confinement, but I could no longer see Zach anymore.
My grandpa yelled at me that night as if I were a dog and after hours of talking all he asked of me was that I go to my room or sit down in the kitchen. I just didn’t care anymore. Not only were my grades slipping, but I also lost everything that I ever lived for, including the love of my life. According to my grandparents, I was a complete failure. I remember going into the kitchen and staring at all the medications that stood on the top of the microwave and one by one I slowly choose all the pills I thought would have the biggest effect on me. My grandfather had so many health problems, so finding something that was strong enough to at least put me into a deep sleep was not that difficult. After taking over a combination of 50 pills and after a waiting of over thirty minutes I started to feel clammy, nauseated and I was so cold and hot at the same time. I can honestly say that that was the worst pain that I felt emotionally, but I can’t say that I regret it at all.
That night my friend Aaron spent the night, after an hour of laying on my bed in fetal position, he walked in only to find me vomiting across the room and crying impulsively muttering to myself, “I love you Zach, ” repeatedly to myself. I didn’t realize that they had called the ambulance and that I had already been put onto the stretcher and hauled out. At that point, I realized that what I did was a huge mistake. As we approached the hospital, I looked over to the paramedic who was holding my hand the whole way and asked her if I was going to die. She leaned over me and reassured me that I was going to be alright and that she would not let anything happen to me.
I was being held over night while the nurses checked on me every thirty minutes or so. Laying down in the darkness, I was consumed with guilt and a sadness that I can not explain nor interpret. I had an over whelming feeling that made it so impossible to think straight about my family problems and the people that I hurt the most in my life and as I was being catapulted out of the hospital like a rock shot in thin air, I realized that from that moment things in my life would never be the same.
Over the next three months I was put into a behavioral hospital for adolescent teens that had trouble coping with depression, anxiety, and anger. I learned ways of escaping my problems by talking it out in a calm manner and things about life that I used to find complicated to cope with. Even in the midst of getting back into my normal routine, I would always find something that would bring up a memory from the past. Over the years I learned not only to handle my problems differently, but also somehow implanted this motto into my head that just stuck with me till this day, “Suicide is just permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I am 18, and not only has this tragic monstrosity made a difference in my life, but it has also influenced me to be the one to make a difference in someone else’s life.2007 is officially the year that I lost hope, but, at the same time, regained it. This is a life lesson that I will never forget.
^story of my effin' life dude...i am kinda over it now.

Things about me:
i am 19
i am asian
i hate drama
i am random
i am magnificent
<3

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