Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop


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  • Rookie - 161 Points Ernestine Northover (11/30/2005 1:05:00 PM) Post reply
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    Thanks to Wayne for posting onto the Rhythm and Rhyme workshop, great stuff, anyone else going to get the ball rolling? Aren't we a shy lot! ! ! ! ! Love Ernestine XXX

  • Rookie Wayne Guy Butterfield (11/28/2005 9:46:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello, Ernestine, Mary, and other R+R visitors. Does seem a bit sad this workshop gets so little input, so since no one else seems ready to volunteer … hope the following is on topic. I’m new to the site, and have only just begun to write again after ages away from poetry, so I may be way behind on this, but in trying to capture certain things in poems, I am finding that, at least for me, there seem to be times when nothing else works like rhythm and rhyme.

    Wrote a poem called Gone a few days ago (copied below) , in which I tried to capture the rolling tide of emotions that the actress Zhang Ziyi goes through in the doorway scene of the movie 2046. If you haven’t seen the film, I might mention it’s received numerous awards, and some critics consider Zhang Ziyi the best actress around these days. The film also has a powerful musical score that often seems like a separate force, engulfing and sweeping the characters along.

    When I posted Gone, a couple of members said they liked the rhyme. One seemed neutral. And one suggested deleting the rhyme words from the end of each line. Ironically, my first drafts of Gone did not include the ending rhyme words. I added them (and the cross rhymes and rhythms) because I felt I needed something more to help convey the doorway scene’s music and emotion. Before adding them, I felt it was a bit like watching the scene with the Mandarin soundtrack turned off, and only the subtitles on. But some would obviously disagree.

    Just a matter of taste, perhaps. Still, it seemed that some of the questions raised by considering Gone with and without the ending rhyme words might be of interest here. When, for instance, do rhythm and rhyme seem likely to add something special? When are they likely to detract? What kinds of rhythm and rhyme work best with what kinds of poems? How much is it possible to generalize?

    Would welcome any thoughts members may have on these or other such points.

    Gone

    She looked into his eyes, hurting
    Her lips still pursed, flirting

    She took a step forward, halted
    Her mouth tried for words, faltered

    The line of his jaw, resisting
    The glint in his eye, insisting

    Her face froze for a moment, cold
    She looked down again, old

    He spoke softly then, rhythmic
    His words seemed to help, sympathetic

    She looked up again, searching
    Her mind tried to work, lurching

    Her arms reached for him, hoping
    She almost braved a smile, coping

    The quick touch of his hand, drifting
    The frame of his body, twisting

    He began to move away, betraying
    His steps down the stairs, fading

    Her heart seemed to stop, broken
    She broke into sobs, choking

    After so many nights, unending
    After so much hope, intending

    There was nothing to show
    There was nowhere to go

    (dedicated to Zhang Ziyi and 2046)

    Wayne Guy Butterfield

  • Rookie Mary Nagy (11/27/2005 8:09:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hey.........that went well huh Ernestine?

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    • Rookie Ernestine Northover (11/28/2005 3:16:00 PM) Post reply

      Absolutely Mary. lets hope this one gets a few more started on this forum. It's a clever poem, although I haven't heard of this film or the lady, but I liked the poem very much. Love Ernestine XXX

  • Rookie - 161 Points Ernestine Northover (11/16/2005 11:48:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hi, all you rhymers out there. I notice that the Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop doesn't get a lot of input, which is rather sad, so is there anyone out there who would like to contribute with some sensible and interesting information, conversation, fun bits, sad bits, whatever comes to mind, I think it aught to be used as it's here for our benefit. Anyway, anyone want to follow this epistle! ! ! ! ! ! ! If so, over to you. Sincerely Ernestine.

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    • Rookie - 161 Points Mary Nagy (11/16/2005 11:59:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Hey, Great minds think alike Ernestine! I was just thinking the same thing you wrote..........that's so funny! Isn't it strange that the other two forums don't get much use? I say....let's change t ... more

  • Rookie Frank Roth (10/29/2005 6:25:00 PM) Post reply | Read 4 replies

    Hi folks. I am a very recent member. I would like an objective evaluation of my poem. please be honest. thanks. Frank Roth

    Find Me In My Poems


    You will find me in my poems
    If you take the time to see
    There’s a little bit of my life
    In every one you read

    So do not be a stranger
    Come on in and close the door
    Read about my life of danger
    And about the days of yore

    You will find some bits and pieces
    That could only come from me
    And if you look more closely
    You may find a family tree

    I have never wrote a poem
    Till with cancer was diagnosed
    Then God granted me this favour
    To make my life the most

    And if you ever wonder
    Whats become of me these days
    I may be living up in heaven
    Thinking up another phrase

    Frank Roth

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    • Rookie Mary Nagy (11/17/2005 5:48:00 AM) Post reply

      I believe I've left a comment on this poem but I'll say it again Frank.......I love it! Great work! Sincerely, Mary

    • Rookie Dr. A.celestine Raj Manohar Md (11/4/2005 3:28:00 PM) Post reply

      Dear Frank, may i suggest that you maintain a 7/6/7/5 syllabic count in each stanza and your poem could become more melodious, i feel. Dr John Celes You'll find me in my poems, If tim ... more

    • Rookie Jessica H (11/3/2005 5:36:00 PM) Post reply

      I like this poem I think it's good but the use of the word yore in the second stanza seems a bit awkward and also in the first stanza the rhyme scheme is a little off. That is my opinion not necessar ... more

    • Rookie Ernestine Northover (10/31/2005 1:47:00 PM) Post reply

      Hi Frank, This is a nice slick poem, I t ... more

  • Rookie Pam Olson (10/20/2005 8:38:00 AM) Post reply

    I wrote my first villanelle in June. Please let me know of any suggestions you might have.

    Rooted Prayer

    My roots lie deep beneath the land,
    and anchorline time cannot slay;
    they hold against the shifting sand.

    I cling to place with my right hand;
    minutes and seconds go astray.
    My roots lie deep beneath the land.

    So stop all motion by command,
    and brace against the windy sway;
    hold, hold against the shifting sand.

    Loose grains of sand flowing unplanned,
    while restless thoughts are kept at bay;
    my roots lie deep beneath the land.

    Force my gypsy-dreams to disband
    and keep me fast from time's decay;
    just hold- against the shifting sand.

    Bind me up with deep soil's firm band.
    Cause my heart to still- and pray;
    for roots lie deep beneath the land,
    and hold against the shifting sand.

  • Rookie Jessica H (10/19/2005 4:07:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I would like honest opinions and critiques on this poem. I used to write a lot when I was younger but it's been a while. So please be honest!

    What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?


    Everybody would like to know,
    Is there life after love?
    Or will the pain and suffering grow?
    Looking for answers from up above?

    The very first time is always the worst,
    You cry and you beg till you can’t anymore,
    You feel like you are in a sea submersed,
    Doesn’t he understand it’s him I adore?

    Incomprehension of how it could end,
    Spiraling downward, slowly descending
    Analyze whole relationship until ending
    Hatred for him becomes your new best friend.

    Then the broken heart starts to recover,
    You realize one day you are tired of crying
    Tired of hating, and of overanalyzing
    Life moves on, often with a new lover.

    A scar will remain forever in your heart,
    The broken hearted move on with a fresh start.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Ernestine Northover (10/31/2005 1:58:00 PM) Post reply

      Hi Jessica, This is a really lovely poem, and my only comment is regarding the last two stanzas. Third stanza - I would perhaps start with the line 'spiralng downward, slowly descending, Incomprehensi ... more

  • Rookie D.m. Barber (10/6/2005 2:43:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    please reply regarding this poem-

    Broken Hearted
    By D.M. Barber

    The hunger within
    Can’t break the fast
    You broke my heart
    You were the last

    For time will pass
    I will grow old
    But the way you loved me
    ‘Twas so cold

    So cold it burns
    It leaves a scar
    So precious and clean
    Carved by a tsar

    The hurt within
    Will come to my grave
    The hurt within
    It makes me a slave

    A broken heart
    The worst pain felt
    But the games not over
    More cards to be dealt

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Jessica H (10/19/2005 3:45:00 PM) Post reply

      I enjoyed this poem, you have good imagery and you rhyme scheme works nicely. The only suggestion I would make would be 'carved by a tsar' this line sounds a touch awkward to me. Besides that I love ... more

    • Rookie Ikazoboh Austine Jeffrey (10/16/2005 9:24:00 AM) Post reply

      hello barber that was a very good one and the rhyming was good. The tone sounds like the poet 'you' just got his heart broken.

  • Rookie - 10 Points Alex In Wonderland (9/9/2005 6:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hello people,
    i just need professional opinions for 2 of my poems 'my promise' and 'till we meet again', it's very urgent and important. post your opinions directly to me, or in here. i heard people say that i have a unique style of writing. and i'm asking yours. thank you all in advance.

    Till we meet again
     
     
    It’s hard to say goodbye, and leave everything behind
    But, my dear, I am forced to leave far away and hide
    Away from you, and weep every moment we spent together
    But what can I do, if faith holds us apart from each other?

    I struggled so long, till I forgot the reason behind the pain
    But all I know, is that every time I see you, my heart beats again
    In stormy nights, and shiny days, summer breezes, and winter bites
    I struggled till I couldn’t no more; I surrendered and delivered the fight

    It’s time to say goodbye, I kiss your hand while I am down on my knees
    Knowing that you will never be mine, denying that you belong to me
    The fight is over, the war is lost, and through the ashes, you will find me
    Alone, broken, screaming your name, as my wounds are killing me

    How I always wanted to say to you how much I love you
    How I desired one honest look from your eyes, into the depths of my soul
    But, you never understand what I want, or you knew and never desired me
    You preferred others, made mistakes, and were too blind to see

    What you’ve done to my heart, what you’ve done to my soul and my mind
    It’s time for me to leave, to tear away what’s left from me, and leave you behind
    How life is not fair, how love is ruthless, how feelings get dissolved and fade away
    I will go to bed tonight, and cry you one last time, and tomorrow, I will start a new day

    I will march the gardens of misery, and try to find a rose, all alone like me
    I will give her love, warm, comfort, water, and sun; I will kiss her thorns and bleed
    And none of you will remain, but a name written on my heart with fire
    You shall always be forever my lost love, my lost need, my lost desire...

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 10 Points Ernestine Northover (10/31/2005 1:37:00 PM) Post reply

      Hi Elie, I think you have an awful lot to say in this poem, and in my opinion it needs to be a little bit more concise, but still getting the message across. I think perhaps you are trying to explain ... more

  • Rookie Ritika Mane (8/4/2005 10:52:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I think the last line is inconsistant with the entire poem. You could say that it brings one back to reality with a bump, but I don't really think thats what you're going for.

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    • Rookie Jessica H (10/19/2005 3:57:00 PM) Post reply

      second stanza third line, maybe winter's bite would work better with the rhyme flow third stanza first line, down on one knee might help with the rhyme flow. I also noticed that you tend to put to m ... more

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