Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop
(6/19/2004 3:08:00 AM)
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As this is posted in workshop, I take it you want this critiqued? I hope you dont take this personally, as I'm just speaking as a reader, in respects to the poem’s effectiveness...
IMO, this feels clichéd doggerel; it doesn't do anything for me. The rhymes are forced, the inversions are a put off, and the metre is too erratic for my taste. Also, the telly nature of the God references don't help your point.
Unless you're being ironic (in which case, IMO, trimming and ironing is needed - I can suggest specifies if you like) , I'd scrap this..
Just one man's opinion of course. Best,
LuigiReplies for this message: