Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop
(3/18/2005 8:09:00 AM)
Thanks for the advice. This poem was really a practice in juxapition (I no spel well) and the reason for my not being satisfied with it most probably has to do with my personal writing style. I have a very choppy way of writing what I think and that haiku proves it. Your edit, Lee Ann, rises in how it is spoken in the first line and in the second part of the second line, while it falls in the first part of the second line and the last line. My version is three choppy thoughts that smooth out on the last line. I think your edit is great, except the use of semi-colon slows down the poem too much. I would use a dash instead. I slows down the thought long enough that the reader knows that a shift is occuring. This also give the sence that the speaker going straight from explaining what they are doing, to what they are observing.
Again, thanks for the advice.
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