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Jefferson Carter Jefferson Carter Male, 92, United States (10/22/2013 1:57:00 PM)

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Frank, as usual, I totally disagree with Lamont. Those first three stanzas are riddled with infelicities: " stale of floral, " " heard the dregs, " " lose their stipple, " " who be, " " collar blues." Lamont hears " music" ; I hear the clunk of graceless phrasing. I like the last two stanzas better; their less ornate style doesn't fill my ear with clotted sugar (except for that awful " spew of an incubus" ;) . I'd revise them a little, see below, but they're pretty nice.

And if these occupants awoke,
would they speak of some kingdom?
Ashes cannot speak or hear,
still we talk to the ground, wait
for our answer from a sudden breeze.

I marvel at graveyards, what can I say,
and the customs which we adhere to. " For which we adhere to" ???eekkk!
We live, we die, and somewhere in between
we'll speak of the many souls in sleep
until we, too, rest beneath morning's dew.

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  • Gold Star - 34,217 Points Frank James Ryan Jr...fjr (10/22/2013 6:30:00 PM) Post reply
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    AS USUAL" indeed my prosaic pal! But of course you didn't like the first few stanzas. The only fodder I failed to serve up to you was a jumbo plate of rhyme! HaH! Hey, to each his own, my friend...I don't want to get into specifics, as (like you said) I should not have to defend my own poetry...and I agree with you....I will say this, however...Infelicitiy
    infers that the words/phrases you specified were" inapropriate" to the work, or that part of the work. If the words/phrases were clicheish, or over-reaching, I could understand your comment. I found them to be both apropos and effective to the theme of the work...Thanks for the read and your input, but only because I appreciate it!
    The work is not yet to my total satisfaction, as I was telling Lamont...In fact, since posting this last night, I have again revised it, but it's not yet ready for prime time. This one was not either, however I wanted reaction and honest critique, and I am thankful for all who responded...EVEN YOU, , J.C.....So much for not defending my work again, right?! Just like a liberal to suck hubris from a modest Conservative who simply enjoys poetry and tea in the eve....Be well, my friend... ~Frank~

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