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  • Neil Milliner (9/16/2011 5:11:00 PM) Post reply

    Do the Spanish commit incest when they are sleeping with their siestas?

    What do you call a safe after it has been broken into?
    A ‘mostly safe’? A ‘nearly safe’? An ‘ex-safe’?

    A feral cat is caught and thrown into the pound with twenty-one other cats. He is now in a ‘cat 22’ situation.

    He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed but he’s still a tool

    If you are late to gym class are you ‘leotardy’?

    If malpractice is so bad then why let Mal practice?

    In a Chinese factory two Wongs do make a light!

    I know one really old horse joke but it’s too unicorny.

    One type of bird can’t do it but Toucan!

    The poor train station found out it was terminal

    Are you having a baby shower? Try using a raincoat.

    Politicians will do everything to avoid doing anything!

    Why was the holy man going ape outside the monastery?
    He lost his monk key.

  • Neil Milliner (9/16/2011 5:10:00 PM) Post reply

    The weatherwoman said “Fine” then she stormed out. My prediction was that she was a bit balmy but it turns out to be mild depression. It wasn’t just me who got the cold front; she was just feeling low because of the high pressure.

  • Neil Milliner (8/22/2011 5:35:00 PM) Post reply

    A Warning To Disobedient Children!
    To all you smart-aleck children who think that they are smarter than their parents: THINK AGAIN! There is one day a year the government has set aside for parents to get their revenge and not get arrested: it is called ‘Show Day’! You thought this day was just for you and your brothers/sisters to have fun didn’t you? WRONG! ! ! This is the one day parents get given to poison and torture their children and get away with it:
    Put little Johnny in the dodge-ems and smile as he is involved in multi-vehicle pile-ups! See the joy on daddy’s face as little Johnny sustains whiplash and ruins his spinal-column for life!
    Put young Daisy into a tea-cup and spin her round until her brain is liquefied and she is rendered temporarily incoherent and she is one micro-second away from becoming a quadriplegic!
    Watch expectantly as Tommy shows how strong he is by smashing his own leg to bits with a giant sledge-hammer we know full well he can’t handle!
    Put little Sally on the merry-go-round and watch gleefully as she clings on for dear life desperately trying not to get flung off into outer space and get burnt up on re-entry into the Earth’s atmosphere! (For older children who are a bit stronger we spin them faster and introduce up and down motions to aid in their dislodgement! Not too fast though, as we need some footage of their terrified little faces to laugh at later!) N.B. Do not lose this footage as it is invaluable for using as coercion, bribery and blackmail in negotiations when they are older!
    Stuff your children’s delicate insides with a truck-load of artificial colours, preservative’s and other toxic substances that the R.S.P.C.A. wouldn’t let you feed to a mangy dog you saw scavenging through the local tip! Laugh hysterically as they vomit for hours trying to rid themselves of these substances, hopefully soiling themselves in the process! (Don’t forget a photo to show their friends!)
    Fill them to the max with slushy’s’, milkshakes and soft-drinks and watch them writhe in increasing agony as their bladders threaten to burst and watch the horror on their little faces when they see the three mile queue to the one and only working toilet! Priceless! ! !
    Force them to march non-stop hundreds of kilometres on their little legs; from stall to stall, ride to ride, from the car park at the crack of dawn to the car park in the dead of night laden to the hilt with show-bags, treasures and other priceless mementoes(which will all break and be thrown out within the week) ! Extra joy can be had by pretending to lose the car and wandering around aimlessly until they are all well and truly broken!
    The weary and the tired, the weak and the dazed, the sick and the injured take them home! Their spirits have been broken for another year. Not so sassy now are we?
    DON’T MESS WITH PARENTS! ! ! You will only outlive us if we let you!

  • Neil Milliner (8/19/2011 4:07:00 PM) Post reply

    Ian Fleming, who wrote such all-time classics such as ‘The Penguin Who Came In With A Cold’ and ‘Why Guppies Kill’ was really called Ron Fleming! I say ‘was’ because he died not so long ago in a tsunami that was caused by a coughing fish! (He got knocked down but did not get up again…)
    The suburb in Melbourne where they hold the Melbourne Cup was named after him; Fleming. Ron which became Flemington! (They had to put the tea in for the bookies and the non-drinkers! (Teetotallers))

  • Neil Milliner (8/19/2011 4:06:00 PM) Post reply

    Elephants find learning ballroom dancing very hard because they have two left feet!

  • Neil Milliner (8/19/2011 4:05:00 PM) Post reply

    None of the fish in all the schools of fish anywhere on earth can read and write!
    We all know fish can't write because of the severe shortage of pencils and that pens can't work because the of the cuttlefish and octopi union debacle that has put a monopoly on all inks used in the oceans:
    Fish can't read because of the feral guppies! They destroy all the reading materials! You can test this yourself by throwing a book into the ocean and leave it for six months. When you come back you will find your book irretrievably damaged!

  • Neil Milliner (8/17/2011 4:35:00 PM) Post reply

    Global Warming is caused by Viagra!
    All the extra energy produced in the form of heavy breathing, more active and longer lovemaking and one-handed workmanship is manifested as the heat the scientists are detecting today! Billions of randy blokes on heat chasing skirt all over the planet and trillions of horny teenage boys going the gong for hours at a time are causing real global temperature rises!
    ‘FREEMANS SNAKE OIL’ can help lower the temperature!

  • Neil Milliner (8/17/2011 4:34:00 PM) Post reply

    Telephone hacking is not caused by humans!
    It IS a virus!
    It is caused when those upwardly mobile ferals known as the ‘yuppie guppies’ loan their phones to coughing fish! That is why you never hear hacking phones in hot climates such as the Sahara Desert or New Guinea!
    It is just a type of cold transmitted when the frequency of ocean waves interact with the radio waves of the mobile-phones. It can be cured by applying a little ‘FREEMANS SNAKE OIL’!
    Send a blank cheque and all your bank details and you will receive a bottle in the post no sooner than 2999.

  • Neil Milliner (8/17/2011 4:28:00 PM) Post reply

    Computer viruses are caused by demon-possessed mice!
    Your mouse could be infected with impure satanic viruses right now!
    To find out if your mouse is possessed quietly sneak a peek at its belly. If you see a single glowing-red demonic eye your mouse has been possessed and it’s too late to save it! DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THIS EYE! ! ! If you do you will become possessed and you will have to let a priest do very bad things to you to save your soul!
    You don’t have to throw the mouse away and upgrade to a rat, all you have to do is cover the mouse with your hand and your powers of good will overcome the forces of evil. If you think your powers are weak just apply a little ‘FREEMANS SNAKE OIL’ to your mouse hand first. This will also prevent you from getting the virus from the mouse.

  • Neil Milliner (8/14/2011 4:59:00 PM) Post reply

    The disappearance of Australian Prime-Minister Harold Holt was because he had a cold!
    He made the fatal mistake of sneezing before he dived into the ocean and has never been seen since!
    He was devoured by feral guppies roaming the oceans looking for sneezing Icelanders!
    (Guppies have evolved a very sensitive ear for the sound of sneezing!)

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