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Critiques and Revision

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  • Sir Zvavanhuvevhu (4/11/2014 5:08:00 PM) Post reply

    Just translated a poem Spar Day
    By
    Adriena ClaRk Stachn

    What do you think about me translating your works to Shona and you pay me a small fee????????! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ..! ?! ?! ?! ! ! ?! ????" " ..

    What's your take. About this translation.



    .Nhasi ndirikuenda kumbodzamisa wangu mufungo.
    Ndokumura madhende ndoshonga dzembanhete.
    Zvese zvinovonekera pandiri zvonjenjemera.
    Gandarakare Ndoshonga.
    Dzasakara dzandakapfeka dzova itsva.
    Dzangu tsoka dzaneta dzotsiviwa nedzinesimba netsva .
    Shangu dzangu drove itsva.
    Zvese zvasakara kumarara.
    Ndomboenda Kunoterera mashoko ezvinepfunditso.
    Iyanla Vazant pamwe
    Ndochizvigadzira nzara dzangu ndichiterera.
    Ndikageza neLavender zvingaita.
    Inondidzira simba.
    Ruva riri muvura yokugezera mubhavhu.
    Kuitira zuva idzva.
    Nhasi ndichararama sa nhasi.
    Zuro aive mumwewo Inini.
    Nhasi tiri padanho repiri.
    Ndakazvidzamira ndiripakati pemweya.
    Ndanga Ndine marwadzo andangoregerera.
    Mufungo wanga uchida kufungururwa.
    Netsvina Zhinji tanga iri mutirangi.
    iWe chitoravo
    Nhasi izuva re spar.
    Zuva rangu.
    Tora Inini wakare.
    Handichatomboda kumuvona zvakare.
    Ndiri kunakirwa Naro zuva re spar.
    Pfungwa itsva, ini mutsva.
    Regedza ndive inini muzuva ranhasi.




    Translated to SHONA Language by

    $ir Zvavanhuvevhu.

    Jerry Mugweni.11/04/2014

  • Sir Zvavanhuvevhu (4/11/2014 5:07:00 PM) Post reply

    Just translated a poem Spar Day
    By
    Adriena ClaRk Stachn

    What do you think about me translating your works to Shona and you pay me a small fee????????! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ..! ?! ?! ?! ! ! ?! ????" " ..

    What's your take. About this translation.

  • Jacob Matuszczak (4/9/2014 12:39:00 PM) Post reply

    This poem I entitled " Broken Pearl" This is the my first attempt writing in this manner. The story is that an old man's relative kills him to take the man's property (Gaining the hearth; to warm the creaking hall,) The story takes place on a ship at night, it is raining yet the moon is still bright.

    A smooth surface on many; lilac pale,
    But yet for a new place; to rest in the wind.
    Cause to seek the level; on which to wail,
    Determined to sight, to not a pin.
    Exquisite cloth of old quieting nightfall,
    Finding a new place in the cold sea's mind,
    Gaining the hearth; to warm the creaking hall,
    Hold fast to wisdom of an ancient bind.
    An icy way to put to dust the old way,
    Jeering at the wake of an old raining,
    King to the guilt, that the light must pay.
    Lining to right of keeping no caning,
    Murder in white, to keep no old moonlight,
    Not yet in the way of a holding flight.

    I look forward to hearing what you all think about it.

  • Sir Zvavanhuvevhu (4/8/2014 10:27:00 AM) Post reply

    Murowora zvamaita izvi mayenderera.


    Moda  tisvike nemi kwedu  kwatachemberera?.

     Muchivuya  muno mumusha chigaro makatora.

    Vene vemba  rupasa ndokuwarira.

    Navazukuru vakamuka  vachiziva kwavuya murowora.

    Vanavatete  hope. Ndokudzipfodora.

    Vakati muzukuru  takabereka nowura.

    Yokugeza nhasi togeza inopisa mvura.

    Chivanze chinavene zuva ranhasi.


    Murowora kana zvirizvo zvamunoita kwenyu.

    Pano  hapadyiwi sadza rokwenyu.

    Munovademba mai vamakasiya kumusha kwenyu.

    Nomuridzo munodana baba  vekumusoro vapenyu.

    Ayiwa ndapota  hapwa  hadzifugurwi  sechipfuva  chedzvinyu.

    Uku kwava kukotamira  mbuya nasekuru neka mini-skirt.

    Muri bhayibheri   Handayiverenga.

    Muri sadza, ndaidya mupunga,

    Muri girazi. Ndaizviwona  mumvura.

    Muri  badza ndaisakura negano.

    Muri   Rambi, ndaigara murima.

    Muri mvura, ndaimwa cocacola.

    Muri munda ndaisunza, handairima.

    Murowora   Kana riri shave, endayi kumasowe.

    Kana riri dhimoni, kune kereke dzemweya wani?

    Ndoreva imi mhani murowora Zimbabwe.

    Honayi vanhu vese vongokutarisayi.

    Vana zvavanofa nezhara imi muchihura mhayi.

    Murowora matinyadzisa mhani isu vana mukanya.

    Ose madhaka makanya-kanya.

    Chikafu chiripo  munopambara nayo nyika.

    Chamunotsvaga mayi nhiya a, ndeunonyika.

    Rowoko  rwake muhomwe dzake.
     
    Nohwomumera    wakanyikwa ukabikwa.

    Ndokuvambwa   ndokupumhiwa, ndokuvidzwa, ndokukusvinwa..

    Nhasi mayi nhiya, akusvisvinayi make mukanwa.

    Nenyika yose mongosekwa sechiseko.

    Murowora zimbabwe mayenderera.


    By 

    $ir Zvavanhuvevhu.

  • Jitesh Shah (3/28/2014 11:33:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    The Life
    The Life has not yours…,
    They give him others,
    Why should you run in Life,
    Enjoy in the Life,
    Time to your Family,
    Satisfaction in Life,
    Respect to Everybody,
    Help to needy,
    Love to Birds & Animals,
    Live Successful Life,
    And
    Thanks the God...

    read my poems
    i improve my all poem so please suggestions

    Replies for this message:
    • Richard Blay (3/31/2014 3:44:00 PM) Post reply

      Good message. I humbly suggest you check your spellings. Thank you. 'Thanks the God...' could be 'Thank God'

    • Kolade Seun (3/28/2014 6:55:00 PM) Post reply

      And what about life's vicissitudes? Dont you think its worth a discuss in between those lines?

  • Richard Blay (3/27/2014 3:11:00 PM) Post reply

    A short notes about a poem for revision is needed, so poets take note.
    Provide a short note to your poems here. Thank you

  • Nika Mcguin (3/26/2014 3:27:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Amoretto Questionnaire

    I've never been in love, all arrows have failed to land
    so there's probably alot about it, I don't quite understand
    hence, I've compiled this questionnaire
    anent all the hopeless romantics out there:

    how is it, one can become so enamored
    within the stretch of a month or so?
    and when such ephemeral flings do end
    snapping as would a flimsy rubber band
    some are beside themselves with grief?

    how and why is it, that love birds forsake the flock?
    momma & pop, lifelong friends, all but abandoned at the dock
    yet wholeheartedly sailing off with the, 'new kid on the block'
    am I unkind, to think such shipment is but a load of crock?

    why is it, that base, sappy cliches
    become the things you find yourself athirst to hear?
    such timeworn prattles, that to an outsider like myself
    are oft discerned as cheap, penny a pop, poppycock!

    mayhaps, someday I'll add whirr to the swarming love poem sea
    and declare, 'alas, they got me! '
    but currently, I only blind folk see

    Replies for this message:
  • Addy Adenawo (3/21/2014 8:46:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Inner peace

    Seeking inner peace
    In the dregs of insanity
    But these dregs shadow calamity
    That envelopes in its folds of false security
    False security?only then mere mortals fade away
    Where vacuum take hold and sanity is lost
    And the search for sanity seems futile
    Dotted with vile undulations

    Replies for this message:
    • Sir Zvavanhuvevhu (4/9/2014 5:35:00 PM) Post reply

      Nwene kedu ife.Punctuation is a writing skill. Addy adenawo.use it in your writing

  • Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:33:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Newly Old Clothes

    My favourite stripes and
    Those jeans that I wish I'd
    Never bought that mock me
    With their tensile seams
    Of dingy disinfectant yellow.
    They're churning, wrenching, twisting
    Pretzals that I grab with both fists
    Press them to carnivorous teeth
    That quiver underneath
    a Buffalo charge.
    Split hooves, splitting headache
    Four inches above teeth where
    My third eye should be.

    Replies for this message:
    • Atheanga Tiomaint (3/18/2014 7:24:00 PM) Post reply

      Very well-written, Ella. " that mock me with their tensile seams" , perfectly put!

  • Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:32:00 PM) Post reply

    Scratch

    Systematically I scratched at a
    Stubborn residue, insignificant but
    Annoyingly present.
    But I wasn't really scratching
    Away at that sticky fleck of molecular matter
    I was watching the
    Malleable plasticine faces on
    The insides of my eyelids.
    And listening to the nauseatingly
    Muffled intonations from
    The insides of my walls
    Wishing I could sink my
    Fingers into my own
    Obstinately unmoving features.
    Or tickle the string of my
    Vocal chords into submission.
    Until my own muffles were coersed
    Brought up from a
    Stinging acidic pool.
    Accumulated from carbonated water
    And dissolved sweetener.
    I feel the fabric around me
    Become tepid and callous
    Its no longer healing
    It is finite polyester

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