Critiques and Revision
(1/22/2014 10:04:00 PM)
Hello every one, please take a look at my poems and feel free to tell me your honest opinion. I will appreciate it with all my heart. Thank you again.
(1/22/2014 9:30:00 AM)
..now that i regard my loneliness as the only priceless
i have presupposed my place
in between the Up and the Down.
now that i see the Forest in darkness
i have gone away barefoot and bloodstains
carved into my delusional flesh and sound.
now that i know the Trésor the noblesse
i have entered the other end of grace
into the vague marry-go-round.
so the bliss is what i've found.
and i am damned.
(1/20/2014 9:13:00 PM)
This is part of my new poem 'Addictive Misery'
I am so tired of being deceived,
You have torn my motivation away from me..
Each day I find it harder to breathe
and i long for a purpose so desperately.
(1/19/2014 2:47:00 AM)
The Hiss Of A Snake
Thalia ventured out to her garden
for her time of meditation was due.
With a smile she contemplated the
destiny of her next inspiration.
She sensed she was not alone
for just ahead she spied an object
that she despised, slithering on the ground.
Her smile disappeared at the sight
that made her countenance a sad
figure to be seen. All her efforts
to secure her position were in vain
for the slithering appearance refused
to go away to this very day.
Perhaps she could continue
if she could don a mask and remain
in her garden unfettered at the appearance
of the creature that would not go away.
For the mask that you see hides the fear
in her heart with an eternal smile for all to see.
(1/17/2014 8:38:00 PM)
I heard about your holocaust
And it didn't cost you anything
Overpopulation, yea read all about it
Played as a pawn and sold as a novelty
Millions of faces erased by the voice of one
A voice of one
Greed, Green, Red, Dead, White, Right, Black, Blue
Lies, ties, proof, truth, ruse, Jews, get a clue
There's a dirty Jew in New York
Tasting of that big apple
Killed his brother like Cain
The son Of Adam
As you divide their wealth this wars
Long been paid for
Blood was the payment
Found in the community chest
If by chance you were lucky
Unlucky for some
That live on Baltic Ave
When there's blood on the streets
Buy up the property
When you own all the deeds
You have your monopoly
(1/14/2014 5:29:00 AM)
hi guys please check out my recent poems and critic them
(1/14/2014 4:09:00 AM)
| Read 1 reply
Please let me have feedback for this poem. Thank you.
Woman, you are beautiful to me -
You are my wise and counted friend.
You are the sunlight of my eyes
as I watch the smile rise upon your face,
and the dew of the dawn as
I feel your moist lips kiss my cheek.
You are the prosperity of my life
as I become enriched by your glow.
And the longing for love beats
within my soul. I long for your touch.
I long for your eyes to rest upon me -
Just one look and I melt as the frozen snow.
You are my beautiful woman,
and I reach out to touch your soul.
Do not leave me, but remain at my side.
You are my bride, by beautiful one,
and I am the slave of my own captivity.
Melek yüzlüReplies for this message:
(1/11/2014 11:24:00 PM)
I am very uncertain about this; any thoughts?
How to live:
It all seems so simple and yet;
It is much more difficult in execution.
Fear is stronger than ambition.
Speak your mind and you are speaking the truth!
And if it pleases you to extend services of kindness;
To remain for the sake of patience;
To exercise your freedom to be generous;
To look upon each fellow human with love and compassion seething through your pores
Till they cannot bear themselves anymore,
Then by all means, live morally!
Even though I do.
But I cannot bear the thought that I might not,
Only because I like to believe I am wholesome.
Do not focus only on yourself, for everyone does.
And they are all as unhappy as everyone,
Who are just as depressed as you,
Waiting for something to open up in the line;
For life to treat them well.
I am waiting for life to stop treating me well.
When we are focused on ourselves we cannot see anything.
Like focusing on one leaf in the whole forest,
In the whole wilderness,
In the whole world.
If one individual gave as much attention to another as they did to themselves,
Love would be less prevalent than it is.
But what is life,
If you don't look upon one person with tenderness and desire,
Grand enough to stop a converging storm?
I feel as though I cannot live in such an open fashion
Until I can look upon myself with satisfaction.
And yet I look around myself for approbation,
I feel as though I can never be satisfied
Through this twisted loop of fear and anxiety.
True satisfaction is not gleamed through compliments and supportive actions.
When I reflect on the content of my character,
I am not pleased.
Standards so achievable, yet I am so selfish.
And I wonder if I manufacture all of my tears in the same factory as those nifty, fancy cars from Japan,
All lined up in a row and waiting to be dispensed at the appropriate time.
I am searching for an honest emotion, but I have yet to find one that I can be honest with.
To be secure in one's own self is to be set free; how I long to be unchained!
For only when I am no longer myself will I be comfortable with my life.
To be seen as someone I am not, yet exactly who I am,
That is what I strive for.
Yet being so open, will my insecurity show?
(1/10/2014 11:26:00 PM)
| Read 2 replies
It tickles my bones
and pickles my tones
to hear dogs bark
is to hear bogs dark.
When birds are chirping
do you hear chirds birping
as you walk in the shade
do you salk in the whade.
When you smell a rose
it is painful to rell a smose
when a bee stings you
does the stee bings you.
When you smell the mountain air
you may mell the sountain air
as you are sliding down to bottom
you are bown to the dottom.
The nuances that you read
are products of anticipation
in the program of voice recognition
so don't blame me for what you see.
Terrance TracyReplies for this message:
(1/16/2014 4:13:00 AM)
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This is a poem that says things but why?The reader needs to engage but somehow that hasn't happened to me. I'd blame the ease of free verse. IMO
(1/11/2014 4:39:00 AM)
| Read 1 reply
I feel it depends on how much sense is to be made in the inversion. if you want; the reader to juxtapose or reiterate, cause to pause, think not, some kinda funny. it usually results in just the autho ... more
- Cleveland Gibson (1/16/2014 4:13:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
(1/9/2014 9:32:00 PM)
Hey there fellow writers.
Still fairly new to writing poetry, I'm also pretty new to this site as well
I would be thrilled if anyone that wanted to take the time to read any of my poems
and critique them for me maybe giving me some pointers if you don't mind?
I would really appreciate it a lot.
Thanks for reading, Allan Gerard =)