Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision

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  • Jose Baez (1/22/2014 10:04:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hello every one, please take a look at my poems and feel free to tell me your honest opinion. I will appreciate it with all my heart. Thank you again.

  • Yolanda Zhang (1/22/2014 9:30:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    " self-portrait" that i regard my loneliness as the only priceless
    i have presupposed my place
    in between the Up and the Down.
    now that i see the Forest in darkness
    i have gone away barefoot and bloodstains
    carved into my delusional flesh and sound.
    now that i know the Trésor the noblesse
    i have entered the other end of grace
    into the vague marry-go-round.

    so the bliss is what i've found.
    and i am damned.


  • Melissa Robinson (1/20/2014 9:13:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    This is part of my new poem 'Addictive Misery'

    I am so tired of being deceived,
    You have torn my motivation away from me..
    Each day I find it harder to breathe
    and i long for a purpose so desperately.

  • Terrance Tracy (1/19/2014 2:47:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    The Hiss Of A Snake
    Thalia ventured out to her garden
    for her time of meditation was due.

    With a smile she contemplated the
    destiny of her next inspiration.
    She sensed she was not alone
    for just ahead she spied an object
    that she despised, slithering on the ground.

    Her smile disappeared at the sight
    that made her countenance a sad
    figure to be seen. All her efforts
    to secure her position were in vain
    for the slithering appearance refused
    to go away to this very day.

    Perhaps she could continue
    if she could don a mask and remain
    in her garden unfettered at the appearance
    of the creature that would not go away.

    For the mask that you see hides the fear
    in her heart with an eternal smile for all to see.

    Terrence Tracy

  • Ed Nigma (1/17/2014 8:38:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I heard about your holocaust
    And it didn't cost you anything

    Overpopulation, yea read all about it

    Played as a pawn and sold as a novelty
    Millions of faces erased by the voice of one

    A voice of one

    Screams there's

    Greed, Green, Red, Dead, White, Right, Black, Blue

    Lies, ties, proof, truth, ruse, Jews, get a clue

    There's a dirty Jew in New York
    Tasting of that big apple

    Killed his brother like Cain
    The son Of Adam

    As you divide their wealth this wars
    Long been paid for
    Blood was the payment
    Inheritance, treasure

    Found in the community chest
    If by chance you were lucky
    Unlucky for some
    That live on Baltic Ave

    When there's blood on the streets
    Buy up the property
    When you own all the deeds
    You have your monopoly

    Allan Gerard

  • Wyclif Odira (1/14/2014 5:29:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    hi guys please check out my recent poems and critic them

  • Melek Yuzlu (1/14/2014 4:09:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    Please let me have feedback for this poem. Thank you.

    Woman, you are beautiful to me -
    You are my wise and counted friend.
    You are the sunlight of my eyes
    as I watch the smile rise upon your face,
    and the dew of the dawn as
    I feel your moist lips kiss my cheek.

    You are the prosperity of my life
    as I become enriched by your glow.
    And the longing for love beats
    within my soul. I long for your touch.
    I long for your eyes to rest upon me -
    Just one look and I melt as the frozen snow.

    You are my beautiful woman,
    and I reach out to touch your soul.
    Do not leave me, but remain at my side.
    You are my bride, by beautiful one,
    and I am the slave of my own captivity.

    Melek yüzlü

    Replies for this message:
    • Cleveland Gibson (1/16/2014 4:06:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

      What I say is my opinion. I feel though the poem is written it is not finished. How you finiish it is in your hands, not mine. If it were me I'd do a line by line revision, then make it flow better, r ... more

  • Femme Feeble (1/11/2014 11:24:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I am very uncertain about this; any thoughts?

    How to live:
    It all seems so simple and yet;
    It is much more difficult in execution.
    Fear is stronger than ambition.

    Speak your mind and you are speaking the truth!
    And if it pleases you to extend services of kindness;
    To remain for the sake of patience;
    To exercise your freedom to be generous;
    To look upon each fellow human with love and compassion seething through your pores
    Till they cannot bear themselves anymore,
    Then by all means, live morally!
    I cannot,
    Even though I do.
    But I cannot bear the thought that I might not,
    Only because I like to believe I am wholesome.

    Do not focus only on yourself, for everyone does.
    And they are all as unhappy as everyone,
    Who are just as depressed as you,
    Waiting for something to open up in the line;
    For life to treat them well.
    I am waiting for life to stop treating me well.

    When we are focused on ourselves we cannot see anything.
    Like focusing on one leaf in the whole forest,
    In the whole wilderness,
    In the whole world.
    If one individual gave as much attention to another as they did to themselves,
    Love would be less prevalent than it is.

    But what is life,
    If you don't look upon one person with tenderness and desire,
    Grand enough to stop a converging storm?

    I feel as though I cannot live in such an open fashion
    Until I can look upon myself with satisfaction.
    And yet I look around myself for approbation,
    I feel as though I can never be satisfied
    Through this twisted loop of fear and anxiety.

    True satisfaction is not gleamed through compliments and supportive actions.
    When I reflect on the content of my character,
    I am not pleased.
    Standards so achievable, yet I am so selfish.
    And I wonder if I manufacture all of my tears in the same factory as those nifty, fancy cars from Japan,
    All lined up in a row and waiting to be dispensed at the appropriate time.
    I am searching for an honest emotion, but I have yet to find one that I can be honest with.

    To be secure in one's own self is to be set free; how I long to be unchained!
    For only when I am no longer myself will I be comfortable with my life.
    To be seen as someone I am not, yet exactly who I am,
    That is what I strive for.

    Yet being so open, will my insecurity show?

  • Terrance Tracy (1/10/2014 11:26:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies Stage

    It tickles my bones
    and pickles my tones
    to hear dogs bark
    is to hear bogs dark.

    When birds are chirping
    do you hear chirds birping
    as you walk in the shade
    do you salk in the whade.

    When you smell a rose
    it is painful to rell a smose
    when a bee stings you
    does the stee bings you.

    When you smell the mountain air
    you may mell the sountain air
    as you are sliding down to bottom
    you are bown to the dottom.

    The nuances that you read
    are products of anticipation
    in the program of voice recognition
    so don't blame me for what you see.

    Terrance Tracy

    Replies for this message:
    • Cleveland Gibson (1/16/2014 4:13:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

      This is a poem that says things but why?The reader needs to engage but somehow that hasn't happened to me. I'd blame the ease of free verse. IMO

    • Joseph Harlacher (1/11/2014 4:39:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

      I feel it depends on how much sense is to be made in the inversion. if you want; the reader to juxtapose or reiterate, cause to pause, think not, some kinda funny. it usually results in just the autho ... more

  • Ed Nigma (1/9/2014 9:32:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hey there fellow writers.

    Still fairly new to writing poetry, I'm also pretty new to this site as well

    I would be thrilled if anyone that wanted to take the time to read any of my poems

    and critique them for me maybe giving me some pointers if you don't mind?

    I would really appreciate it a lot.

    Thanks for reading, Allan Gerard =)

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