Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Lyndsay Thomas Rookie - 1st Stage (2/19/2014 11:36:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    The Small Things in Life


    It's the little things in life that matter the most
    Those things stay with your heart very close

    It can brighten a frown to a smile
    And make someone's day worth whiled

    It doesn't matter if you're receiving or giving 
    It makes your life worth a living

    These small acts of kindness keeps the world go round
    Gods in the sky and were all on the ground

    He can't do it all 
    So we need to step up, even if it's something small

    So the next time you see a chance to help out
    Don't forget, this is what life is all about

    Helping each other find the way
    In this life we live every day 

    It can be hard 
    But we all need a good card

    So when our days are slowly coming to a stop
    We can make it to that mountaintop

    Replies for this message:
    • Cleveland Gibson Rookie - 1st Stage (2/20/2014 2:55:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      I think your poem has plenty of ideas and good content. So applause there. Where it mght improve, in my opinion, is in the words you've used to rhyme. A lot of them don't quite make it. Decide how lon ... more

  • Byju V Rookie - 1st Stage (2/15/2014 9:55:00 PM) Post reply

    Safe for now….
    The writer finished the book;
    Now comes the hard part;
    First the scrutiny by the experts –
    the priest, the bishop and the mulla.
    Then the special reading before
    the CPB (committee for prevention of blasphemy) .
    Before going to the ultimate test by
    the CPO (committee for prevention of obscenity) .
    After that would be submission before local magistrate,
    To be certified that it would not hurt
    anyone’s sentiments.
    She was fortunate.
    Her publisher would handle all that for her, but
    the hard part was signing of the agreement
    obliging her to withdraw and the pulp the book,
    the work of a lifetime,
    if anyone at any time complained of
    wounded religious sentiment.
    Just thinking of it made her sweat.
    With a start, she opened her eyes,
    Realizing with relief;
    All of it was just a dream!
    At least for now….

  • A Michaelle Yarbrough Rookie - 1st Stage (2/13/2014 9:21:00 PM) Post reply

    A Level Of Misconception

    Does a man turn away from right and good
    Brought to the fact of humility not being able to provide
    Children crying day and night denied everyday necessities
    A lack of pride in being a man among men
    Perceived lazy by a society that never has been hungry

    Does man lack character, ethics, and moral stability
    On dark cold chilling nights with no shelter or stillness
    Caught up in a fight for mere wake in the morning survival
    Things never perceived when childhood dreams were dreamed

    When does enough become enough for you and I
    How many go postal events or deaths in the streets
    For the norm not to be normal in the sight of us all
    Suffered long enough to bring suffering to an end
    The level of misconception considered deeply

  • Daniel Donohue Rookie - 1st Stage (2/13/2014 9:19:00 AM) Post reply

    River Dance

    We find ourselves in tubes
    Hallways, roads, walkways
    Rivers, flowing into tributaries
    Classrooms, workplaces, homes (with more hallways still)

    We move until we are found by stillness
    An inlet, where motion becomes just another option
    Then, motivated by the unseen
    We detach

    Releasing the firm grasp of safety we float down stream
    Lead by the infallible power of the current
    Held tightly, we waltz
    To the music of our choosing

    We flow to the river’s mouth
    Daniel Donohue

  • No One Rookie - 1st Stage (2/11/2014 2:17:00 AM) Post reply

    Sunken eyes, inlaid in black:
    A tired guise is drawn.
    He sits there waiting for the crack
    of inevitable dawn.

    Destitution?
    Death?
    Destruction is done.
    He's wished himself
    a thousand times
    to leave what he's become

    His youth it felt so long ago
    despite his lack of years
    memories that should've faded slow,
    washed dull by all the tears

    Can he pretend it matters?
    one more time?
    He knows that since
    he's lost all hope
    the punishment
    fits the crime

  • Terrance Tracy Rookie - 1st Stage (2/10/2014 12:05:00 AM) Post reply

    THE ROOSTERS CROWS

    Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.
    Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society
    of your contemporaries, the connection of events. Great men have
    always done so, and confided themselves childlike to the genius
    of their age, betraying their perception that the absolute trustworthy
    was seated at their heart, working through their hands, predominating
    in all their being. And we are now men, and must accept in the highest
    mind the same transcendent destiny; and not minors and invalids
    in a protected corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution,
    but guides, redeemers and benefactors, obeying the Almighty effort
    and advancing on Chaos and the Dark.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson. Essay on Self-Reliance;

    Early one morning I heard the crowing of a young rooster announcing
    his vibrato for all to hear. It mattered not that there were no hens
    in sight, the redundancy of his crow was to let everyone know that he
    had arrived to claim this was his territory, but was it of no avail, for his crow
    was flatulence for all to hear because there were no chickens in the yard
    to appreciate his pompous boast.

    O that men would have the faith to not give in, but to accept that his
    divine destiny does not belong to him. For he feeds from the trough
    of divine providence as the plate from which he must agree.
    The dish of divine providence is not easy for men to digest.
    It is full of twists and turns that are aimed to distract with illusions
    of self-importance and pompous greed. But to the man who stays his course
    and does not look back is a man who will succeed for his masters rejoice.

    The decades take their toll of hearing, seeing, and the ability to perform
    a simple task. Do we give in to these afflictions or do we keep going
    with the conviction that the divine providence has been served because
    we have faith that can move mountains regardless of the situation.

    Like the rooster we seek our highest elevation and cry out for salvation
    no matter if we not see nor hear, there is one who cares that no man shall perish
    we are given a choice; to run like cowards or persevere in circumstance
    and stay the course.
    Terrance Tracy

  • Kathleen Neff Rookie - 1st Stage (2/5/2014 4:23:00 PM) Post reply

    Check out my new poem. " Green."

    Green.
    Meadows, hills, Arkansas,
    Vast open meadows with blooming
    flowers reaching toward the sun.
    Encircled with trees, a protective wall.
    Inside that place, I can be myself
    hidden from all.

    Green.
    Meadows, hills, Arkansas.
    A stately topped with a grand tree
    standing tall and proud.
    A lowly rock stands as a companion
    to the leafy giant.
    Standing beside the tree upon the rock,
    I feel like a queen
    Joined with nature and in command.

    Green.
    Meadows, hills, Arkansas
    Looking past people and focusing
    on nature's handiwork.
    My eyes and my heart see beauty.
    Enchanting, colorful, protective and breathtaking
    the meadows make an imprint in my mind.
    Stepping stones round, smooth, and rolling.
    The hills create a sense of joy and contentment.
    My home, my childhood, my place
    Arkansas draws my heart
    to be ever so near.

    Kathleen Neff.

  • Jessica Dehn Rookie - 1st Stage (2/5/2014 12:29:00 AM) Post reply

    This one is my newest one. Please any critique or comment you have. Thank you


    I am Valid!

    Every thought, every feeling, everything is valid!
    Do not discount me because you disagree.
    Do not ignore what you don't understand.

    I am Valid!

    No I can not explain what it is I feel, but
    this does not make it untrue.
    No I can not stop thinking this way or that way.
    No I will not ignore myself, because I am valid.

    I am Valid!

    Every thought, every feeling, everything is valid!
    My mind will change, my feelings will change, but everything is valid.
    It will not make sense to you. You will not see my side.This does not change what I believe.

    I am Valid!

    Yes I might me wrong. Yes I will at times overthink and make a mess.
    Do not discount me because of this. I am valid. Each thought I think and each feeling that passes is valid. They are my right!
    They are me, each piece makes up a part of me. To deny any of them is to deny me.

    I am Valid.

  • Shelley Stanworth Rookie - 1st Stage (2/1/2014 6:12:00 PM) Post reply

    Everyday to enhance my brain
    I'll smoke weed, sniff cocaine
    Have a beer to mask hidden pain
    Higher than treetops, insane

    Different day, same old shit
    Still outside the circle, a misfit
    I'm not tried, made of grit
    In life cowards are those who quit

    Whatever I believe in or think
    Changes moods faster than a blink
    I wish to tip the bad down the sink
    So whats left will match up, interlink

    Sick of just waiting for life to begin
    Want to be comfortable in my own skin
    Hate the compulsion to be better, to win
    The prize we seek must be found within

  • Melek Yuzlu Rookie - 1st Stage (1/28/2014 8:32:00 AM) Post reply

    I like the quiet places, the silent places -
    places inside my head.
    Places where I can run and hide
    in the moments when I feel afraid.

    I like the places that welcome me
    and let me run, or hide and play.
    I like the quiet moments
    where life seems far less grey.

    I like it when I'm free to be
    the one who chooses what to say -
    the one who sits in silence
    and hides herself away.

    I like the quiet places where
    in silence I may think at will,
    and sometimes in these silences
    I like to be quite still.

    I like my quiet places and
    the moments these may bring,
    for in my quiet moments
    I feel free to laugh, and play and sing.


    Melek yüzlü

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