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Critiques and Revision


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  • Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:38:00 AM) Post reply

    Let the noose come
    Never to a stranger give thy trust
    Lest thou be betrayed at last
    But vagabonds too have feelings and lust
    Be fair and grave, oh thou majesty, be just
    To the latter for the stranger!

    Strangers shouldest not attribute pay
    For their bargain is but wind so as to say,
    But all are we from the glebes, we belong to graves.
    Oh thou the majesty be brave
    In the trial of the stranger!

    The stranger hath nothing for any reason
    To be slain in pain for a crime as treason,
    Majesty ‘tis for thy daughter’s sake Sheryl,
    That thou-benevolent majesty-thy throne hath peril.
    Firm, just verdict to the stranger

    Live forever majesty, oh, long live
    Lest mine crowning cockerels I give
    But not to buy mine freedom oh majesty,
    For thy daughter let me have the penalty.
    But shalt she live for the stranger!

  • Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:36:00 AM) Post reply

    Oh the rural maids
    In twenty seasons she grew
    Nature had seen and already knew
    Thus spake in her green voice
    Amidst tears of the best choice…

    “Here cometh the doldrums in a maid
    Born and by the lonely river laid,
    To take the course of growth alone
    But then the ripples of water curved her bones!

    Her face painted black of ebony
    Figure slim and equally bony
    Her teeth white but more of fawn,
    Like gold a lock she cut lay on the lawn!

    Her eyes like springs in who’s serene
    And silent waters the blue sky is seen
    Their lashes are the lilies that look
    On their infants in the brook!

    A lynx gait I’ll equal to her step
    As she walks down the river for her shower
    Then expose her femur and frogs go gape!
    At their soft texture and tender bower...

    A man would stop her on the way
    To see the smile on her face
    Then change his mind to weep and pray
    And die longing for her warm bosom embrace.

    Oh! The fairest of rural maids
    Her life was nurtured in gross beauty
    Her mouth stands comparison to a flower
    Wherein emerges intellect and power”

    Such thoughts I gave to Tessie
    Insomuch my hands she gripped so lazily-
    And down the waters swept into a dale
    Leaving my fingers sore and pale
    by arido w.

  • Terrance Tracy (12/26/2013 2:45:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    What's a matter
    don't like my latter

    Won't waste my time
    tis sublime.

    No sense of humor
    lost to the fumers

    Figure it out
    then give it a shout.

    Replies for this message:
    • Nathaniel Watkins (12/26/2013 5:37:00 AM) Post reply

      Not a bad poem! Short and strait to the point. I think it was worth the read. Thank you! If time permits checkout The Uninvited (P1)

    • Terrance Tracy (12/26/2013 2:49:00 AM) Post reply

      oh that's what this button is for,

  • Terrance Tracy (12/21/2013 2:41:00 PM) Post reply

    Sounds of Winter

    Saturday, December 21,2013
    3: 12 AM

    Winter in the south when the north
    wind blows the starlings are gathered in the trees
    gathered by the hundreds flying helter-skelter
    looking for shelter the resounding cacophony
    makes you think of Hitchcock's movie The Birds

    The wind is cold making your cheeks as red
    as the Cardinals we see in the spring wondering
    what this winter will bring four days hot two
    days cold and the seventh day we rest while the
    birds nest.

    Instead of being in bed at 3 AM I am sitting here
    writing poetry while precipitation is falling on my head
    looking for inspiration I will catch my death of cold
    does not matter because I am old.

    If this is not dedication maybe I should take a vacation
    and look for another vocation.

    Terrance Tracy

  • Doris Cornago (12/20/2013 2:25:00 AM) Post reply

    Please comment on my latest poem as inspired by the movie " Doom" . This is largely experimental as I seek to be creative about circumstances that inspire my poems and turning them into allegories.

    Heartbeats Matching My Own - d. cornago 12/20/13


    Funny that you don't know the time of day

    We play, we talk, we quarrel, and sulk

    You are the boy making fun of forgetfulness

    I am the woman livid with restlessness.


    They cannot know fully what they can't own

    We move fast by schedules on hallowed ground

    Who is the leader, who is the follower

    Down goes the ladder, and you seek cover.


    Blood flows like icing on cake, thickly

    Nothing sees me among grasses stealthily

    Your quick eyes touch me, but they avoid mine

    You're with them, feasting on cakes and wine.


    If we will part, hold me for the last moment

    Let me see your eyes as I've imagined them

    Let me see your lips as they say the words

    and let me feel the heartbeats matching my own.

  • Melissa Robinson (12/18/2013 11:57:00 AM) Post reply

    I just wanna lay in someones arms all night and let them hold me,
    not go home to a house of hate and parents who scold me.
    But I throw away the best of things,
    forget the most important peoples names-
    I hide behind the cut out scenes
    devoured by a mask of shame.

    This is life, its not a game;
    it's consumed by lies, deceit and pain.
    So smile, take a picture and hang it in a frame
    because it could be the last time u see urself that way.

    the path u tread may turn to grey;
    all ur inutile effort will just waste away…
    and when people ask- u will say ur ok,
    but ur just pathetic and afraid.

    uve become heartless, uve lost grasp of self worth.;
    for a mere amount motivation u hopelessly search.
    but in ur eyes, lifes purpose now has diminished-
    u never imagined that love was supposed to hurt.

    so listen when i tell u; its not worth it to let go.
    go out and do ur best; go ahead and put on a show.
    rows of people will watch
    and their criticism may never stop,
    so live like no ones watching and it may help u out alot.

    silently u cry, 'but by misery I've been shot.! '
    well that is no excuse, for u control ur thoughts.
    You are only as low as u allow urself be;
    but you never fall so hard that its impossible to break free.

    i know its harder than it seems;
    you can only escape reality in ur dreams.
    but just think that one day u won't be able to sleep
    because ur to busy having life bring u better things.

    so don't listen to the lies,
    don't fall for their schemes,
    life is what u make it,
    just be who u wanna be.

    (sorry about the punctuation, ect.)

  • Melissa Robinson (12/18/2013 11:56:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    In shadows you cower under a tree,
    envy filled raindrops drip from its leaves.
    You are hell-bound by misery
    by a person who promised they'd never leave.

    heartbreak, lies, sullen deciet;
    It keeps empty bliss just out of reach.
    You stare bluntly with eyes of lachramony
    and fall to your knees in defeat.

    Then you ask yourself,
    'why even try if I'm prone to fail.?
    even angels fall straight to hell..
    All my effort in the end may diminish
    and I'll be baricaded behind sorrow's cell. '

    Just wait my love, only time can tell.
    Don't waste away each moment at wishing wells.
    The stars that fall from their ceiling hangers
    won't abate the past or prevent sullen danger.

    Don't give up shy, broken stranger;
    let go of whom you loved and forget all that remains of her.
    Find someone worth while, a girl who is tamer..
    Lock your heart away in a somber chamber.

    Replies for this message:
    • Wyclif Odira (12/31/2013 4:49:00 AM) Post reply

      wow that is a nice poem, would you please get time and read my recent posting and critic them and

  • Melissa Robinson (12/18/2013 11:55:00 AM) Post reply

    She's fragile, She's breaking,
    through makeshift lies and the smile she's faking.
    She's in denial, she is aching~
    She's crying out, 'somebody save me..'

    You can't tell me you look past the sorrow
    in her lacrimony eyes.
    How can you expect her to wake tomorrow
    when all her motivation has died.?

    Don't tell her, her effort is inutile,
    you don't know how desperately she tries.
    You continue treating her this way~
    but she soon won't be alive.

    She's lost the will to live this life;
    her effort was merely a game- and death is her desired prize.
    With each step she takes, her footing fails,
    she won't see the next sunrise.

    You have degraded her, her mind is set;
    the only escape from her sorrow she sees is death.
    She told you the truth but you decided to test
    the limits of her pre-destined, last breath..

  • Melissa Robinson (12/18/2013 11:52:00 AM) Post reply

    Without You

    I feel no love when I'm with you,
    all I see is hate.
    I held onto you so tight it hurt
    and still you walked away.
    I used to beg you not to leave, i wanted you to stay.
    I pulled you back into my life
    but with you- resentment came.

    I regret each second that i cared,
    All time i spent on u was a waste..
    You stole my heart, you made me change;
    but i trusted u, my mistake.

    But now its me pushing u outta this door,
    Its ur turn to feel this misery.
    Ur gonna see, this is ur loss,
    now its U who listens to me.

    I would've went to hell and back just to make you happy,
    I would die for u and still u treat me so badly.
    Baby, u where my everything, i gave u all of me.
    But now I'm wishing we never met,
    so get the fuck away from me.!

    yeah, - I'm devoid of love when I'm with you,
    its been vacated by this hate.
    I held onto you so tight' that i was sickened
    and still you walked away.
    I used to plead for you not to leave, but now you've got ur way.
    But then I pulled you back into my life
    but with you- sadly came shame.

    but Im so sick of the lies and over the deceit,
    theres no love between you and me.
    All i can reminence is arguing, denying,
    so many wasted memories.

    I never really wanted to let you go,
    but you pushed me so far, and you are so low.
    Theres nothing more that i hav left to show
    other than an altered mind set and a fractured soul.

    Your antipathy has devoured my hope.
    I hold heavy remorse for the 1st time we spoke.
    You used to be so perfect to me,
    this is not the person that i used to know.

    Just tell me, please, where did you go…?
    It's taking so long to forget you-
    ...time is passing so slow.

    yeah baby, I feel no love without you,
    although all I saw was hate.
    I held onto you so tight it hurt
    but still pushed you away..
    I used to beg you not to leave, i needed you to stay.
    I pressured u to walk away
    but without you- the agony still stays.

    Just tell me, how can i miss u so much
    when u treated me so poorly.?
    I was there when you needed me,
    but no thanks, i don't need this dishonesty.

    But blame it on me, not ur synthetic feelings.
    Say its my fault and not ur makeshift, fake stories.
    All we had was hollow, its senseless;
    i just wanna say, trik, thanks for nothing.

    There are so many times that i tried for you,
    but you just can't be satisfied.
    This is the last time i ravage my thoughts for you-
    im tellin u its over now, so go ahead, find someone new.

    I can hardly stitch these wounds u gave me,
    much less try and Forget you.
    I just wish something would erase my memory,
    all my memories i hav of you…

    I feel no love when I'm with you,
    all I see is hate.
    I held onto you so tight it hurt
    and still you walked away.
    I used to beg you not to leave, i wanted you to stay.
    I pulled you back into my life
    but with you- resentment came.

    yeah, - I'm devoid of love when I'm with you,
    its been vacated by this hate.
    I held onto you so tight' that i was sickened
    and still you walked away.
    I used to plead for you not to leave, but now you've got ur way.
    But then I pulled you back into my life
    but with you- sadly came shame.

    yeah baby, I feel no love without you,
    although all I saw was hate.
    I held onto you so tight it hurt
    but still pushed you away..
    I used to beg you not to leave, i needed you to stay.
    I pressured u to walk away
    but without you- the agony still stays.

  • Esther Obeng (12/18/2013 7:58:00 AM) Post reply

    As we stand here this silent moment
    our hearts full of sorrows
    our eyes full of tears
    we stand before your grave
    with red roses
    for today is the day to remember you

    we are here this hour to say thank you
    for we didnt get the chance to thank you
    because death took you away so fast
    for death is heartless that it took away our
    beloved heros

    In return we pray to the almighty
    to accept your soul in his house
    may your soul find happiness
    and rest in peace cause you really deserve it

    we shall always remember you this day
    you will always remain in our hearts
    always and forever you will remain our heros
    for heros like you are unforgettable

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