Critiques and Revision
(12/7/2013 10:44:00 PM)
Truth is but the point sat great,
ultimate and above debate,
should be what guides living souls,
to their true enlightenment,
truth sat before any lie,
and will sit after the last lie dies,
as mans mind is what made deny,
truth in unconscious state alive,
through presence of self aware through eyes,
rarely see I- to -eye,
life now aware must find again,
by death and the journey felt within,
living by a mortal lesson,
souls are angels fallen from heaven,
we are God all apart,
and each is a divine fine art
Eternity is are Death in essence,
flying back in Deathly presence,
when once more our wings spread out quintessence,
and fly our souls back to the heavens
(12/7/2013 4:03:00 PM)
" Blazing Fingers" - Phoenix
Touched your face as in a dream
You make my waking hours seem
Like a lucid dream, so real
Are the emotions that haunt
Tumultuous feelings that sends
Me drifting, falling, circling
As in a whirlwind traipsing...
You cannot know pain and need
Until you own up to them
I see more sense in hurting
If feeling them will make me
See him again, and again
A placid insensitive rogue
Incessant with his taunts...
The lovely melody is ending
The radiance of his face
Linger longer, rolling over
Highlights of my life etching
He is the most cultured
Person I know who feels my pain...
He jumps about as one scalded
He grimaces in my discomfort
He scolds, he cries out loud
Brown eyes staring in anger
And yet, he makes me suffer less
His blazing fingers to my frozen spirit
Give me hope and eventual forgiveness...
Please criticize content, clarity, and style. Thank you.
(12/6/2013 10:09:00 PM)
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if death were the end
If death were the end
then why do care
and give love that we solemnly share
If death were the end
then why be born,
birth would be the beginning of death
like a morning risen, just to set
mendacious a thought
for days way means they connect
Like sunrise we appear in our window of time
risen a nurture draped in loves shine
as though warmed by the sunshine from a divine
The thought of our own setting day
can draw the heart to distraught a way
so to sooth the torment of a self aware
man thinks only
for what Man does care,
We live and gain riches
yet gain nothing we can keep
Objects aren't the reason loved ones shall weep
What value can we place upon a persons soul
This un measurable half,
that makes people whole,
A value of none if death were the end
Golds worth the value placed on its head,
Gold is worthless, when we are dead!
value of values determines wealth,
no life sees diamonds worth, more than health.
We seek knowledge to reinforce fact,
constructed on nothing more than a theoretical Act.
all a wonder at
if death were the end
Theory's strength relies on credo,
so putting meaning into a know, meaning man as one can grow,
so if mans growth if from a pasts know
this not so, were be it
if death were the end
(12/5/2013 5:41:00 PM)
The Avila mount arise
Above the bright golden beaches
Of my Jewish Tel Aviv
And I no more can discern
Whether the green is Galilean
Or from Venezuelan plains
The shrill humming of the streets
Speckle my nomadic steps.
I keep seeking synagogues
Along the streets of Caracas
And the little Christian churches
Are so few in Tel Aviv
Those are the same indigents
And I walk the same street corners
The same sun shines them all over
And the same sweet morning dew
Hints at a brand new day
In Tel Aviv and Caracas
In both markets I can sniff
The condiments and fine herbs.
The same scents of rosemary
Sage and parsley, and cilantro
Augurs hot soup in Caracas
And Friday meal in Tel Aviv
And those two twins are like daughters
I often confound their names
And when I melt into darkness,
While into my dreams I merge
Both the mountain and the sea
My heart’s home has no clear name.
When dark night invades my sunsets
And my mornings become shadow
My lingering motions find
Their hidden spaces within
And my aged body forgets
The feverish pace of life
My being becomes ever lesser
And the planet ever smaller.
My spaces then become wider
Leaving behind all the bends,
Bulges and gloomy cliffs
Along the pathways of time
And my twins forever coupled
Clinging to my weary hands
From both extremes of my life
Keep tearing apart those loves
- Far apart and yet so linked =
That coined my life’s destinies.
Oy! I do have two hearts
Owned by a single soul
And I have but one short life
To fulfill my rival dreams!
(12/5/2013 5:23:00 PM)
Oersonnally I like the simplicity, the first flow of either poem or prose. Maybe it is not very proffessional, but I can feel when a kitterary creation has been " worked on" and then I loose interest. For me, a message should be the inspiration and an intense feeling about it carried in the poem. It would not occur to me to try and " correct" a poem and if I give an opinion about it, it would only be " what feelings it awoke and to what degree of intensity" .
(11/30/2013 12:56:00 AM)
L O S T
They don't get it
so she fakes it
A frown on the inside
A smile on the out
have her decisions
which way to go
She doesn't know
all she wants is for her
Dreams to unfold
(11/23/2013 7:11:00 AM)
Inhale, now exhale
like this through life
The world's universal glass eyes
breathe the ashes of the fallen
Stumble through the shambles
Not knowing, not realizing
But I know, I see
See the blankness of their eyes,
drinking in the blood of new Earth
Anger, hurt, confusion, pain
Palpable, to feel it
See it, I know it
Go against the flow
No never! , they say
So I stay silently
Alone, but surrounded
Cover my eyes, glazed
Just another fish in the stream
Another spider on the web
(11/22/2013 11:15:00 AM)
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Eager disposition of mine,
catch the falling bird
Help me, it screams
Willing hands let the graceful bird descend
Pulled by its gravity,
crashes to the ground
To down, To down
Falls through the crack in the floor
Betrayed by my eager disposition of mine
Through the dirt,
four, no six feet below
Bye Bye Birdy
No, it is my turn now
Karma repays me in full
MY fate now put in other's willing hands
My turn, my turn, the crows cry
Your turn, I yelp
If only, if only
Regret, try to repent
No, no NO
betrayed by their eager hands
Peck, claw, drop
Blind, I still fall
Vengeance is their game
Till I'm the same
I'm the same
Breathing in freshly dirt
now we're the same
We're the same,
through that willing disposition of mine
(11/21/2013 12:58:00 PM)
Daddy you left me all alone.
I was a messed up girl from a broken home.
You'd drown your sorrow in bottles of beer
But your reasons for doing so, where unclear.
My heart is broken and needs to heal
From all the pain you've made me feel.
If only I could show you this hatred is real.
You left me when i was four.
Was it hard for you to walk out the door?
You hurt my mom and me.
Dad cant you see?
You're part of the reason I’m in a group home!
And the reason I feel alone.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
That is what they say
But can you feel the emotion from the picture in any way?
That saying if for the birds
Because words show you how to feel,
And the picture may only look real.
You may not agree,
And this may only be me,
But what I feel is what i say
You may not like it,
But I speak my mind anyway.
Please tell me if these two poem are good.. I try my best: /
(11/20/2013 3:16:00 PM)
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve,
Even though people say I'm naive.
I'm a girl that's never truly loved before,
Till you knocked at my door.
My heart Is now In your hands,
So I hope you can understand,
That I fell my heart Is made of Ice
So I hope you will take my advice
And leave while you can.
If you truly are the man I adore,
Please don't make me want more.
You know I will never leave your side,
But you need to run and hide,
For I might hurt you one day,
And this is why you can't stay.
I promise you that im in love,
Because your my angel sent from above.
So smash my heart break It Into pieces while you still can,
Even though I'm the only one that can make you feel like a man.
I'm really no good for you.