Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 134 Points Terrance Tracy (11/20/2013 5:11:00 AM) Post reply

    The Plight of the Crows

    Wednesday, November 20,2013
    3: 41 AM

    As I was walking, I was a witness
    To a display that occurs every day.
    Oblivious to the scene, my complacency
    Made me blind to the message that is
    Apparent each day; a visage of metaphorical
    Display, because it is for the reader to decide the path
    To choose at the crossroads of life: this is the
    Path one must choose to follow, to be free from struggle and strife.

    From proximity near, I could hear a raucous
    Squabble up in the trees; repeated each day
    Finally caught my attention and this is what
    I saw.

    Three black crows took flight in the air;
    Forming a haphazard formation consisting of two in front
    In addition, one crow reluctantly following behind the first two.
    From a perch atop the trees there sat a fourth crow;
    Squawking orders to crow number three “Get back in formation,
    I don’t want to hear your declaration of my territory.”
    With presumption of authority, he squawked his
    Boastful decree, “Get out of this tree because this
    Tree belongs to me.”

    From a camouflaged, limb one hundred yards away not easy to
    See the three crows landed and declared, “This tree belongs to
    We three, it is our manifest destiny.”

    Immediately, the fourth crow took flight squawking, “Where
    Are they were going?” “Do not go there, these trees belong to me”
    “I am the crow given authority to reign over this territory. I do not care
    About neither manifest destiny nor eminent domain; for this is my
    Land promised by my creator for I have eminent domain.”
    The cacophony that ensued was louder than before and once more
    The three flew out of the tree one two and three.

    Whatever point you gleam from this little stream is a parallel of the
    Plight of humanity for every day we act the same way; and that is insanity.


    Terrence Tracy

  • Rookie - 134 Points David Odiase (11/19/2013 8:40:00 AM) Post reply

    my love
    sun sat maud
    flung rolls words
    tongues truth blind
    lame love find
    feelings absence
    sleepwalk, obsessed
    could love i u
    save shy sky blue.
    quatri-motions displayd
    valley our deep souls wade
    spare thy etereal glove
    thirsty blue kiss my love

  • Rookie - 134 Points Jennifer Wright (11/13/2013 11:22:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Days

    Now that I'm older The days just fly by,
    Faster it seems, in the blink of an eye.

    I try to hold tight, to each hour in the day,
    but it's gone in a instant the night takes it away,

    Soon it's all over tomorrows a new day
    grasping on tight I know it won't stay

    The clock keeps on ticking, the hours they pass,
    what was of today is now yesterday's past

    The memories still linger through the midst of the day,
    but gone once more is another new day

    By: Jennifer Wright

    Replies for this message:
    • E T Saunders (11/15/2013 5:54:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Honestly this could use a little work.. If you do not mind I will make a few suggestions... The first line is: Now that I'm older The days just fly by Try: Now that I am older the days just fly b ... more

  • Rookie - 697 Points Herbert Guitang (11/7/2013 8:12:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello honorable Poet
    Kindly read my new poems " Happy Birthday"

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/happy-birthday-163/
    http://www.poemhunter.com/herbert-guitang/

  • Rookie - 697 Points Pedro Andres Rodriguez (11/5/2013 10:34:00 AM) Post reply

    Newbie poet seeking an honest critique. http://www.poemhunter.com/pedro-andres-rodriguez/

  • Rookie - 697 Points Zane Tyree (11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Numb



    I'm being drawn in,

    The darkness consumes me,

    The black hole,

    Constantly drawing me in,

    I can't escape,

    The numbness,

    The horror,

    As I see the nothingness of life,

    The perfection of being invisible,

    Knowing that no one can help,

    That none want to help,

    Feeling the blade of truth,

    Gives me the realization of life,

    Being lost in the fog,

    There is no relief,

    No light,

    Or guide,

    I've become lost in the darkness,

    I can do everything,

    But I can't feel anything.





    Again just a critique.

    Replies for this message:
    • Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:22:00 PM) Post reply

      Numb I'm being drawn in, The darkness consumes me, The black hole, Constantly drawing me in, I can't escape, The numbness, The horror, As I see the nothingness of life, The perfect ... more

  • Rookie - 697 Points Zane Tyree (11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Unaware

    As I sit here confused,
    Not knowing whether today will be my last,
    I feel so numb I'm amused,
    Unaware of the sadness I cast,
    My heart will fail,
    My mind will break,
    When I go no one will tell,
    Do I have what it will take,
    To remove this world of a curse,
    To give this world a relief,
    After its done I know what will immerse,
    This world won't change its belief.

    Just a critique.

    Replies for this message:
    • Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:50:00 PM) Post reply

      I would love to write somthing with you sometime... I hope you read my work.

  • Rookie - 697 Points Eliseo 'elcid' Cinco Iii (11/3/2013 3:56:00 AM) Post reply

    Could you critique my poems and give me suggestions. I am in need of feedback on the poems I composed.Thanks.

  • Rookie - 134 Points Terrance Tracy (10/31/2013 5:42:00 PM) Post reply

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    Terrance Tracy Male,66, United States (10/31/2013 2: 45: 00 PM)
    Impressions

    As I walk along my drive
    with hedges and oak trees on each side
    in the late morning what was once solitary
    of commerce is now lost to the droning out
    to the noise of a highway.

    No longer do the birds that used to be
    land in the trees for me to see
    imminent domain is all that remains of one's
    solitude in which I enjoyed my refuge.

    Occasionally a crow will be there to brag
    where is my home oh what a drag
    to hear him squawk no more like the hawk
    that sits on a telephone wire to fill his beak
    with a morsel that is meek.

    This is the age of progress
    oh how we have digressed
    in the name of prosperity we have lost
    what once was a beautiful tapestry.

    In spite of progress there exist places of
    serenity how much more will they go on
    before their lost to mankind's duplicity.

    Each generation to come
    will see the erosion of the beauty that was
    for all to accompany witness the fate
    of exclamation at the destruction of the nation
    because of corporate damnation
    of God's beautiful plantation.

    The city lights blind the stars
    to make poets wonder where
    they are,

    Though the night skies grow dim
    our future does not have to be slim.
    If we could all agree God's mighty
    power will shine again.

    Terrence Tracy

  • Rookie - 920 Points Mike Acker (10/31/2013 2:54:00 PM) Post reply

    Adrift

    Two boats embrace
    bow to bow, face to face.
    No longer taut,
    a simple knot
    becomes undone,
    the rope slips off.
    Sliding into the waves' troughs,
    they silently start
    to drift apart.
    Neither aware,
    of the growing gap,
    the coming despair.
    Still in sight,
    of each other's light,
    but no longer in
    each other's sight.
    Then, the storms
    begin to strike,
    each one separate,
    but still, alike.
    By the time,
    the sun's bursts
    of rays
    re-appear,
    they'll will be
    oceans apart.
    Like some hearts,
    far, too far
    apart.

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