Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/31/2013 4:45:00 AM) Post reply
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    hi has anyone read any of my poems?i need honest critic, and assistance on how to publish my poetry book

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 11:52:00 PM) Post reply

    WHISPERS OF THE WIND-

    Whispers in the wind
    Bold as they come
    Till the wind ease to blow!
    Sing them in over vigor
    Rage as if in rigors
    Shout if thy soul peace finds
    And thy ears allow the waves-
    For only then will thy
    Rage be made known,
    Thy mind be heard,
    And thy heart discerned!
    Thus let me whisper in the wind
    And sing a song if you may
    Or a lull anyway
    And breathe a sigh!
    My heart give their murmurs
    Even as your mouth
    Whistle the tune thereof
    In a whisper in the winds!
    Open thy mouth in aloud cry
    Cry if you can or just try
    Because that duel within
    That entrapment of sin
    That work of the evil
    And numerous a peril
    Shall be let out…
    Rage like a crazy goat
    Charge like a blind rhino
    Let out of thy chest
    Let it out brother…
    Talk to yourself
    Talk with the one
    Who sits calmly inside
    Or to your shadow beside
    Tell him if you may
    Tell him in a song
    Sing alone, or singing along-
    And whisper to the wind
    For only then, only then
    Will this moments be done…
    When you have talked
    When you have cried
    When you have hummed
    When you have raged
    When you have charged
    Then you discern
    And maybe learn
    The whispers in the wind!
    Whisper to the wind
    Somehow it will carry away
    Thy reason and plight
    To the seas and be buried
    In the swash and backwash
    As they heap the sand upon sand
    And smooth the surface
    With the scattered seashells-
    The scars will nowhere be found
    On the seabed around
    When you whisper in the wind!
    So loosen thy spirit
    Loosen thy tight garments
    Avail thyself to the plains
    In a windy breezy evening
    Gaze from whence they blow
    And whisper in the winds….
    The winds in the sun
    The winds to sooth my sore soul
    Take my pains away
    As the seaward they blow
    And or stage a show
    On their leeward slopes
    Or just hang on the hope
    That the clouds soon bring
    And the rains to wash
    The fervent heat life cause
    To the green lash
    Of the lilies that soon grow
    To cover all the swamps
    Of life’s tragic moment
    So unfortunate yet will always be
    As long as your eyes
    Remain bold enough to see
    Or thy mouth gives sickly sighs
    In the whispers of the wind…

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:59:00 AM) Post reply

    Wake up mama

    Mother thou art like an old man’s face,
    That would soon depart without a trace-
    To cover the wise sayings of ‘shame! ’
    But on thee I’ll cast not any blame
    Woe unto the ‘civilized! ’

    Like an island sitting silently soaked in water so cold
    Thy pale sickly nudity stands in the gruesome fold..
    Now he’s gone thy mantle of hides, around his shoulders
    And thy diamond bracelets in his cruel arms
    Calling him-self, the ‘civilized! ’
    -from whispers of the wind-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:54:00 AM) Post reply

    O’ER AND O’ER AGAIN
    Your love is like the cool breeze
    That blows on my face and my hairs raise,
    I can’t see its strong hands
    But I feel it to my heart tends
    Like a flirt of a shirt to a skirt

    Whenever I want to go away
    It changes my steps never to stray,
    And my heart tames in the game
    Of one and only theme
    To love you o’er and o’er again

    To many days I’ve troubled you
    But am going to remain here in my blues
    As I figure out what God intends
    As we finally roll in a wend
    And hold each other o’er and o’er, again

    Am lost in dreary fears
    But tis this love that soaks my eyes in tears
    Of changing my stand on this
    Yet am so close to kiss
    Your sweet lips o’er and o’er, amen

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:52:00 AM) Post reply

    The ballads of the night-

    Her soft hands beneath my waist
    As if no sin they know to paste
    Or ever wanted to make known
    Her gaze innocent as she looks
    And by my side slowly logs
    In the ballad of the night
    When the cold winds tame the lights
    As the moon gracefully shows
    Behind the clouds it always knows
    But this damsel my lips kiss
    And we go around in a hiss…

    Well we have nothing in particular
    But somewhat engrossed in confusion
    Of the fondness of our arousing lips
    And his hand around her tiny hips-
    Holding the tempting figure
    So demeanor in senseless worth
    Her torso pausing in rare flexion
    As her feet give this gait I love
    As if speaking in her words so mean
    -from whispers of the wind-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:45:00 AM) Post reply

    Thou art so cruel death

    Thy spleene1 can’t you deny and let me live at will
    Insomuch thou hath always haste to intrude,
    Inflicting pain upon me with thine answer so rude-
    Every morn’s gleaming and dawn’s wending thou knocketh
    Tho’ the doors always held fast thou unlocketh,
    Thou art so cruel!
    Thy rage hath always mesmerized me
    Ghostly sight in yet thine eyes clearly see
    Mine mouth bringeth to thee no curse-
    Nor blessings, but this piece of solemn verse
    To sing-but in a dirge- that thou composed
    Which we’ve always sung yet opposed
    Thou art so cruel!
    When tis night wont thou ever close thy eyes and sleep,
    Ere thou harvest a friend and foe alike in a weep?
    Wherefore hast thou hither always cometh
    And from hither whence hath ye always leadeth?
    Monarch, princess and men of valor ye brought to shame
    And thus thy rakish smile acquired some fame
    Thou art so cruel!
    Thy raison d’être I comprehend not…
    Your raging anger you ought
    To have held back from Mandela's pitch -
    You have wrought so much pain and I now retch…
    Indeed you are the last enemy to be destroyed
    When our Lord comes thee to be banished…
    -From WHISPERS OF THE WIND-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:16:00 AM) Post reply

    Daisy not rosy-

    She’s playing hard to get
    Since the day we first met
    Her eyes drowsy yet revealing her treasure-
    Daisy paint my eyes with your life

    Splash my day with your strife
    Am so lonely but not so sure…

    It seems we are both confused
    To bare the passions aroused-
    And I can’t really give her the blame
    Since so many parallels makes us lame
    And though we should roll
    But she’s a bit too shy for the toll…

    Daisy, my rosy days are but a drill
    Though these things our life thrills-
    But sin is brought so real again
    That standing tall seems in vain
    Whenever we are together
    Or should our time veil the former?

    Am so lost at the kissing of the night
    My mind akin in thy mouth so bright-
    That I find myself thinking of you
    But as friends we still can do-
    In as much as we keep the little things
    That we have found, going…

    I don’t know how much to appreciate
    Thy gross beauty that my emotions deviate-
    So that by you I may just sit around
    And ponder at the things we’ve found-
    Or in silence listen to our dealings
    Frail yet fresh, down my feelings…

    Make haste and be blown away
    As we try something new by the day-
    Daisy my rosy days are much spent
    Since my life I gradually and freely lent-
    Damsel whom so well we get along
    But her beauty confuses so wrong…

    Whilst thy friends keep their pry
    I’d rather we give this moment another try-
    To tame the past we’ve had
    And those days which were sad-
    And in some story make a title,
    To show the world just a little!

    Oh how my heart lingers
    On the damaging likeness of fantasies
    And the world full of fallacies
    But real things discarded
    In the depths of delusions unearthed-
    To put an end to my mind’s rigors

    That we made it at long last
    Far from where we did first start-
    In the days of total mayhem
    In want of what the good Lord gives
    But at opportune have and live
    In fullness of His glories, amen!

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:09:00 AM) Post reply

    Confessions-

    I just don’t know what to say
    But in my silent prayers I pray
    To find peace with her!

    Well I didn’t even took notice
    Of that look she always gave me,
    Behind her specs!

    Struggling with something always
    Inside -so her speech says,
    As my comment seeks!

    She’s got nothing in particular
    But her honest-sincere talk,
    And simple walk!

    Some real guts she portrays
    Though my heart was but astray-
    Attracted to another!

    In her letter I got more confused
    While her desires fulfilled-
    To have me!

    That’s how this journey wends
    As my heart tries to mend-
    That which was broken!

    I wish I would sing a song to her
    But my voice is gone far-
    Singing to others!

    So am tempted to just sit-in
    And wait for that day we’d sin
    As my home take her!

    Like my bible teaches so I intend
    To make her mine-my rules bend
    And my life to her lend!

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:06:00 AM) Post reply

    Trombone man-

    Hey the trombone man
    I don’t want to die,
    When I play the trombone
    My eyes go blur and my head high!

    Hey the trombone man
    I’d really like the blow
    But my mind will glow
    And the jingle-giggles will bring me down!

    Hey the trombone man
    I don’t want to play,
    My stars shall fall from heaven
    My mind to be jumpily driven!

    Hey the trombone man
    My entire dime has been spent,
    I buy no cheese, and build no tent
    I no longer need you man!

    On me, Mr. Trombone man
    Is built a wiry –metallic body,
    My skull never cracks its rocky
    So I break windows for your trombone!

    You’ve become a whizz kid
    You the trombone man,
    My mind is always muzzy
    My body wobbling and head woozy!

    Hey the trombone man
    Please leave me alone,
    Trombone makes me crazy
    Always sitting in posture so dizzy!

    Hey the trombone man
    I hate the sting of the needles,
    My arm hurt and wounds bubbles
    Trombone man- tis all your fault!

    You’ve made me have a witty thing
    You the trombone man,
    Always whistling without a song to sing
    At times my mind goes lost at the fizzing!

    Hey man its time I play the halt
    I hate the shackles in my legs,
    My panties socked in the kegs
    Being dragged down the alley-head in a tilt!

    So Mr. Trombone man
    Before you make you make me lie,
    And down the grave I die
    I’d rather break loose and climb the hill alone!

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 7:04:00 AM) Post reply

    My life is like, a dog left to die in chain
    Whose neck bruises in pain
    It woofs on seeing strangely as if wolves
    At the sight of a bone drools
    Then wags her tail, down lies and wait to die
    The puppies will mourn and alas sigh
    But none shall shed a tear for me!

    My life is like a bird with broken wings’
    On its perch it watches its nestlings
    Open their beaks, but can’t reach them and play-
    All flowers seems closer but far away
    It yawns nursing her wings in dirge like song,
    Until the hawks feast and nothing is wrong
    It grieves for the young ones
    But none will mourn for me

    My life is like a pale ray of the moon
    That casts gloomy shadows way too soon
    When a patch of cloud passes by;
    Its trembling light grows grey in the sky
    Gradually than suddenly it’s all but dark-
    The hooting owl cowardly watches its back
    As if she wept for the lost light-
    But none shall lay a wreath on my grave!

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