Critiques and Revision


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  • Gangadharan Nair Pulingat (6/28/2014 10:35:00 AM) Post reply

    Though I am so much interested in poems and continues in reading of great poems this is the largest platform of individual poetries and poets that I get a chance to communicate and have its goodness to part with. I take this opportunity and request to read my poem the Banian tree.

  • Olaniran Oluwasina (6/26/2014 1:51:00 AM) Post reply

    I Look To You: For The Future

    A little boy with dreams i was
    Nightly did i close my eyes
    And let my mind bring fantasies
    To gently slide me in blissful sleep
    Of future days, i smiled & dreamt
    Pictures sliding in & out
    Nightly thus, my ritual was
    My own fantastic lullaby

    A young man now, i am, with dreams
    With greater scope and wider means
    Drawing on imagination's themes
    Elaborate paintings on mental canvas
    I see your face and hear you laugh
    I see the love shining in your eyes
    That special look you have just for me
    When i hold you in my dreams

    And time passes slowly till that day
    When i'll hold you in my arms
    Tickle you and whisper in your ears
    See, i already named you as my joy
    You, my hope & life, my wings &.... I...
    I just wait for that day
    My pride, my strength,
    My firstborn......... My Daughter..

  • Jishnu Nair (6/22/2014 10:11:00 PM) Post reply

    The Love Chapter by Jishnu V Nair

    Chapter - 1

    Love At First Sight

    " Love-struck" a word i heard
    First time when i was in third
    Wondered how it would feel
    Was sure i would never kneel

    Saw her the first time that day
    Lost my heart and lost my say
    The world around me froze
    Filled with the fragrance of a rose

    Mumbled there beside my friend
    I would love her till the very end
    He smiled and pat my back
    Told me that i m a crack

    What enigma is this???
    Wondered my mind
    I had never felt this way
    Is this the reason why people pray???

    Stood there gazing wide.
    Wish i cud take her on a ride.
    With her by my side.
    I would conquer world in a slide.

    I was on cloud nine
    Everything seemed so fine
    Like there was nothing to whine
    Everything seemed to shine

    What was happening to me???
    Had I found my heart key

    My mind filled with thoughts
    Lost in her hair knots
    I had found the one
    The one
    Who would love me like none

    Gathered my strengths the next day
    I knew exactly what i had to say
    Was sure i would take her heart away

    Thought of approaching her alone
    No more will I be so lone
    In this world of utter chaos
    I thought I found a rose

    I told her everything in sheer
    My hands were trembling with fear
    But she smiled and told me something
    It felt to me as though she was singing
    Then she brought her hand forward
    Told me " Let's just be friends"
    I had just reached Dead Ends

    A thousand dreams shattered
    Insides of me Fluttered
    I just couldn't say anything
    I managed to mumble" Well, It's something" .

    Sometimes things don't go right
    Even though it's love at first sight
    It Seems someone wanted me to be alone
    Coz I ended up in the Friend-Zone

  • Is It Poetry (6/17/2014 11:36:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    When Lilly Kisses Rose


    When lilly kisses rose
    and lilly I did know
    and trees I thought
    grew very deep
    and lived
    within the forest.

    And green
    the hay is sweet
    and brown
    dry moss cries
    why.

    And lilies white
    remind the sky
    blue cotton
    clouds they swirl.

    There grew the two.
    so dear
    most thought.

    Short breath
    two centered
    scents.

    And how
    before
    them both
    I stood
    once near
    their hearts
    too far.

    And when
    I know
    how
    roses grow
    and pressed
    so hard
    was I.

    And cups
    of milk
    I loaned to
    them
    cinnamon
    and spice.

    Sugar sweets
    they made
    from them
    and
    now to know
    both why.

    While
    lilly bridged
    sweet roses
    bank as
    water rushes
    by.

    Replies for this message:
    • Marlin Nightingale (6/19/2014 3:23:00 PM) Post reply

      Nice! Simply.. fascinating.. It dances in and out of my understanding. Defines some and leaves some to be defined.

  • Debra Robinson (6/14/2014 7:30:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Arlington National Cemetery

    In the rolling hills of Arlington
    White headstones stand row by row
    In a sacred trust bestowed
    Upon those hallowed grounds
    Through the decades, the battles and wars

    The day is done, gone the sun
    The bugler stands alone.

    In a demonstration of an ethos
    A horse-drawn caisson will pass
    Among the headstones to a final resting place
    With the clicking of heels in the distance
    Paces matched stride for stride
    At the tomb of the unknowns

    The day is done, gone the sun
    The bugler stands alone.

    Straight line formations
    Where valor has come to rest
    For these soldiers
    Who through the eyes of history
    Their last call sounded
    Interned and at rest
    Surrendering to the emotion

    The day is done, gone the sun
    The bugler stands alone.

    © June 14,2014

    Replies for this message:
    • Isaac Dale (6/15/2014 12:38:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      It reads well, don't you think? Some memorable lines. I'm not finished with familiarity with it yet (a good many reads, for me) , but I like enough to do so. The refrain is call-like. ... an ethos.. ... more

  • Joeseph Espinoa (6/14/2014 2:45:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    persisting throughout the day,
    why is it that i feel this way?

    slowly decaying;
    eroded by time.
    surely there is more
    to this life of mine,

    outside of
    routine repetition?

    yet as if without delay,
    felicity leaves the gray,
    amongst the stagnence
    is something alive:
    satisfaction in,
    most barren disguise.

    expectation eventually
    drives dissapointment.

    Replies for this message:
    • Debra Robinson (6/14/2014 7:41:00 PM) Post reply

      This feels a bit confusing and incomplete to me. I want to participate in the journey but I just don't get a sense of direction from it. I think there is very good stuff here, please don't think it' ... more

  • Matthew Addai (6/12/2014 12:58:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Inner Peace-

    I have always been envious of those from whole families embodying wealth and fame
    And though I say otherwise, these things I do secretly wish to attain
    To cover up the emptiness that lies in my soul
    As I drift from place to place not quite knowing where to go

    I am a loner this fact I solemly do not deny
    And my fear of failure keeps me from attempting to try
    To the fullest of my ability, when I can easily achieve
    All the things I desire, if I begun to believe

    These last four years have opened my eyes to some cold truths
    Uncovered through digging deep into my mind and its roots
    Of my constant struggle to be honest and true
    Sometimes rather unconsciously seeking to be right and cool

    Judgement of others reflects judgement of yourself
    Whilst also reflecting the state of your own mental health
    Regarding thoughts you have or things you’ve felt
    Whether these reflect on the surface or are kept below the belt

    I am afraid to be open and it impacts my connections
    Mostly to women, causing me to fear unprecedented rejections
    When merely this may simply be triggered by the menial reflections
    Of fear, its power and the resultant mental defections.

    Yet I know myself to see the beauty and qualities in all people
    For no man or woman is inherently good or evil
    We are merely products of our experiences, and this makes us equal
    Disregarding experience and media influences which may often be lethal

    My opinions shift between conservative and liberal
    And perhaps that why I may seem too opinionated and stuck in the middle
    Words may come in the mix of kind yet also cynical
    And I still struggle to solve this confusing riddle

    Deep down we all strive for a personal identity
    One for which through our actions speaks to others saying “remember me”
    Being as successful, content, and as grateful as can ever be
    With our voices in unison shouting “God I thank you for the live you have given me! ”

    copyright (c) 2014 (just in case lol)
    Matthew Addai

    Replies for this message:
    • Debra Robinson (6/14/2014 7:44:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Love the topic and concept. Seems to drift between tenses and meters. Broken thoughts and rhythms.... Nice none the less. Thank you for sharing!

  • Godfrey Morris (6/11/2014 9:24:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Destiny




    We who are called morals
    were tossed on this stage
    to display gifts divine.
    Everyone a say
    Every man his day.

    Thy skills once locked in cage
    now unleashed!
    We cuddle and fold on this stage
    to fulfil our destinies.

    Like bees in hives
    our honey will unearth
    sweet worthy passions
    To cause the angels to sing
    chorus Holy!

    To cheer the virtues of mankind cause
    as they cross life's treacherous line.

    A claim to be worthy
    Our heavenly prize.

    copyright(c) 2014


    Godfrey Morris

    Replies for this message:
    • Debra Robinson (6/13/2014 4:30:00 PM) Post reply

      Thank you for sharing this with us for comment. I know how difficult it is to share because it seems to many people want to attack instead of offering feedback. First, I am someone just like you, so ... more

  • Nalini Chaturvedi (6/7/2014 1:42:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    There is nothing left to give
    for I have nothing left at all
    but there is no emptiness within
    and I don't feel there is famine or fall

    colorful pictures of my past
    and grey clouds that did overcast
    cast their shadows, as I walk
    forever with me, I know, they would last

    there was a time
    when I felt ghost pains
    pins and needles,
    where nothing remained
    thankfully even
    that part is now gone
    vastness of sky
    will be mine from now on.

    Replies for this message:
    • Lalit Kaira (7/17/2014 8:26:00 PM) Post reply

      yes the colourful past that emptied but filled the heart with some biting pleasure we can't give away......... we only create assumption but can't hide the truth.. truth that is love for love is tru ... more

    • Keith Sifelani (6/7/2014 2:42:00 PM) Post reply

      You say your colourful past but i think nothing has changed.

  • Terrance Tracy (6/7/2014 1:11:00 AM) Post reply

    The Journey of a Lost Soul




    When I was younger hopes and dreams came into view, soon to vanish with the setting of the sun only to replay a surreal fantasy the next day.
    Exuberance of youth unbridled hopes and shackled dreams, desires of flesh chased each day.
    Loneliness and anger were my companions on a journey that led to nowhere, no reward for
    persistence just a barren desert to abide.
    A lost rock in a mountain of stone left alone never to be found by the Son that covers the soul.
    Forbidden fruits transitory for a season endows a lost soul with an insatiable hunger to be repeated every day with rich promises placed on an altar, though the confines of mind the altar's tomb, whispered in our ear by the watchers of power of darkness as we traverse the dark journey oblivious to the loss of innocence to remain unrepentant.
    Drunken by the wine we find a mine of dark tunnels to seek more to life than the void of darkness the alters of false promise provide; O is there a light in this endless maze for fertile valleys in which to graze.
    Stumbling and crawling in the abode of despair, from out of the gloom a glimpse of a light the darkness could not comprehend, bequeathed an egress, only to find the one who appears as an angel of light.
    Invitations of forgiveness awaits if one dares to journey across the lake of fire, the angel of light gloats his refrain, try as you might you are doomed to the night for you will never see the greater light, the Ancient of Days beckoning the lost soul to accept the true light.
    Terrance Tracy

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