Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:58:00 AM) Post reply
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    Kibos road-my road forever

    Thou art like a young girl
    With a sweet tender voice-
    To sing the best beat of a lull
    In a little or no noise

    My praise I’ll to thee sing
    Poet would say nothing
    But in real plain sense
    Thy glitters make me tense

    Who nursed thy infancy?
    Who sang thee ancient lulls?
    Thy fair face is just as flimsy
    Though with taints of pearls!

    Thy crowded young unkind streets
    Hawkers hassling with their sweets-
    But Ngware business glazing more
    A mere glitch just as before

    Kibos road a stretch good measure of leisure
    The glitziest Kimwa aloft stands
    A slothful slurt haggling for pleasure,
    Innocence engraved in her band!

    A century ago Indians played a wink
    Building the rail, and brought spices for goods,
    Raving beauty of colours now sinks
    But kibuye still sprawl around St. Joseph’s woods

    Why not take a walk at sports ground,
    Mon ami a friend and foe alike have found-
    Chanting slogans, toasting, smoking, and merrying
    In Mamba delicacies of chicken so darling

    Why not give it a damn chance
    Hymen merry, joyes and drinke
    Be careful for a whores wink
    Lest she holds thy arms for a dance!

    Fishermen at lwang’ni by night prey about
    Craving the Lolwe in minds of doubt
    Then Kano flood gates open wide
    And finally usher rice fields as the rains hide!

    Thy yelling shalt tonight quiver
    Bottoms-up, Liwin’s café, megacity in savour-
    But thee I’ll meet speechlessly frail in Rassia after
    Taunted and haunted looking for a saviour

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:56:00 AM) Post reply

    Concertina!

    Please play me my concertina
    I’m talking to you Christina
    Please I can’t sleep without it dear
    Please play me my concertina
    I’m talking to you Christina

    Please play me my concertina
    I’m talking to you dear Tina
    I’ll surely, surely die
    If you can’t play for me ere’ I lie
    Please play me my concertina
    I’m talking to you my Christina

    Please play me my concertina
    I’m talking to you my Christina
    My dizziness wilt flee dear
    I’ll jump and shout without fear
    At the tune of my concertina
    I’ll be happy my dear Tina

    Please play me my concertina
    I’ll be happy at the tune of it dear Tina
    Life’s been empty-I’ve no need being a live
    Even with all steps I make as I strive-
    Please play me my concertina
    It means life to me Tina!

    Please play me my concertina
    It means more than life to me Tina.
    Life is no joke, my dear
    Come on let’s sing, drink, toast and cheer-
    Please play me my concertina
    For I’ll be happy with it dear Tina

    Dear Christina I can’t wait any longer Tina
    Come on, let’s play, our concertina
    To make the moon and stars gaze
    In surprise-goats and donkey stop their graze
    Give a pause to the soothing tune of concertina
    As we play in the bush, my dear Christina


    In awe as if pausing listening to the tune of concertina
    As we play in the bush, dear Tina,
    We will have the courage, to continue
    Exchanging hands betwixt me and you
    I’d really love we play together Christina
    Because I can’t go it my own Tina

    I’d really love we play this way Christina
    Not my own tone and tune Tina
    Let’s climb to the top of the hill
    Together until our damn fill
    Drink and pour the rest to our fore fathers
    For their blessings dear Tina

    Please play me my concertina
    I’m thinking of you dear Tina
    The world will be mine
    And I’ll feel much better and fine
    It’s alright with me Tina
    Please let’s play our concertina


    Its right damn right with me Tina
    Honey let’s play our concertina
    I don’t need flaunty classical tune
    Only our unskillful music would my day make
    I’ll afford a smile Christina
    When you play me my concertina

    I’ll afford a smile on my soggy face Tina
    When you play me my concertina
    Simply ‘tis you who can play
    That which can always stay
    Come play with me my concertina
    Tune to stick in my heart Tina

    Come play with me; for me Tina
    Tune which shall relend in my heart Tina
    There are the kinds that I can stay without
    And nymphet to stay with no doubt
    Let you be the latter-I can’t stay without dear
    Please, I pray to God we wend Tina

    I pray to God let’s begin Tina
    I can’t stay without you dear Christina
    I want us to dance and dance
    A dance of a lifetime chance
    It’s worthwhile dear Christina
    For our joyous audience dear Tina

    ‘Tis forever worthwhile dear Tina
    For our audience in pomp and glamour dance
    What it is dear that you can’t laugh?
    Try this dear, hold your breath long enough
    Release and relax, then we play.
    Those frown to flee hence forth Tina

    That frowning face glow in radiance Tina
    I love all moment we’ve shared Christina
    I don’t want you to grow old
    What we’ve found is precious than gold
    Or the wealth the Orient doth hold
    Oh Tina! Please play me my concertina!

    When thou art in shape dear Tina
    We can go river dancing my dear Christina
    Then run down the shores sands
    Listening to the winds whistle through leaves and,
    Rivulets as they gush over the rock boulders
    Hold my sweat-soaked hands Tina

    I can’t go on living in a lie dear Christina
    I thought I’d play alone-I mean concertina
    But this breach of my human rights
    Spending my lonely minds, all nights
    My worry is no puisne as such Tina
    I need you by the stables Christina

    This a story about a man and a woman
    In roam and endless hurdles undone
    Tory of an idiot in first sight love
    With a treasure as pearl-to have
    Whom he hardly knows,
    But wishful eye, aye and eyes go!


    Tina, oh dear Tina I’ve got no not mane
    Or ring, or castle as real men-
    But pain in my heart, so broken to lend
    To you that you begin to mend!
    Your love in no way can I repay
    Please play me my concertina!

    Please play me my concertina
    My lovely song Christina
    I’ll allow you to call me all manner of names
    Or maybe I’m just a fool but in no shame
    To let you know this witty thing
    My set mind dear Tina

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:51:00 AM) Post reply

    Let the winds blow

    My friend the winds will blow
    From the mountain as they do always
    And tell of the days we spent, as they go
    To the leeward slopes far away

    My friend the winds will carry the leaves
    In the temptuous raging whirlwind
    Even as thy emotion wants to leave
    And yet you know that I don’t mind

    My friend the winds will bend the trees
    And leave my head to face the shame
    As your love stings me like the bees
    And say twas just a game

    My friend the wind will pour the dust on my face
    When I behold you go away
    And I shall stand its furious pace
    Since tis all am left with anyway

    My friend the winds will go and come again
    When their flurry moments be past
    But my love for you shall firm remain
    Just as I intend to make it last

    My friend the winds return to the hills
    When their speed is reduced
    Even as your body restrain what you feel
    Towards the emotions you want suppressed

    But when we can’t hear the winds sound
    Why don’t you change your plans?
    Please turn these low days around
    With the love that we have both found

    If this the way you want to go my friend
    Then I wish you all the best
    Whilst I struggle till suns wend
    With the wait in vain for the rest

    My friend the winds will hurl the seas
    And lift the waters to create a crest so high
    And wash the seabed in waves as it flees
    But then I’ll wipe my tears, as I wait, in a sigh

    My friend I’ll launch to swim in seas
    As soon as the angry waves go calm
    And let the waters flow with ease
    To cool my body, in a soothing balm

    My friend these winds will cease
    When the hills are replaced by the vales
    And the lash green soon comes at ease
    So that my smile drift to the dales

    And then I’ll sing with the birds
    Humming the tune my heart finds to sing
    And pray that the winds should carry me away
    To a place, -that solace shall bring

    Let now the winds blow in their haste
    Somehow they will find me in my quest
    And bring me home to paint and paste
    Thy memory in my mind forever

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:47:00 AM) Post reply

    Obsession, by JAQI and ODiRA
    Your image formed perfectly in my mind,
    This was how we roll!
    Day one you just said “hi”
    As you sang by my side on the roll
    Day two it was more than it,
    As we went on the roll!
    Day three I knew your name,
    As we were on the roll!
    Day four you knew my place,
    And this was the roll!
    Day five and six and seven,
    I had a fix with the roll!
    Day eight you even became sweeter,
    Than the roll-on, in a roll!
    And when you were sweetest on day nine,
    You went on the roll!
    On day ten, you forever vanished,
    Am left here on the roll
    How sad, how ill of you
    Even as I still roll
    What did I do pissing,
    Or rather rolling?
    I can’t get enough of you now
    Am still on the roll!
    To reach out for the role
    That left me in the roll!
    -from whispers of the wind-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:44:00 AM) Post reply

    My song
    Oh lovely song
    Singing alone, singing along
    Down with my pen
    Sat at about ten
    Closer I drew near
    And thought we’d cheer
    My song!
    Best simile I gave thee
    Notation done by me
    Transposition also fine
    Stanzas worth a dine
    Thou art like a damsel
    Without matrimonial counsel
    My song!
    Why befriend a widow
    Sighing in shadow
    Of cassava trees
    Infested by nectar bees?
    Buzzing, throbbing her head
    Awaiting a lonely night in bed?
    Song!
    Thy counsel hath fled
    Thy tune astray led
    Like a torn drum
    Noisy like the maiden tram
    Not captivating anymore
    Got you clumsy dancers not as before
    My song!
    So bare thy phrases go
    As the villas same old whore
    Without market- even for free
    Laughing and marrying till hours a wee
    And only an alien takes home
    By a maypole then rest from her roam!
    Tell me what’s wrong,
    What’s wrong my Song?
    -from whispers of the wind-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:41:00 AM) Post reply

    How marvelous art thou?
    How wonderful
    The lofty sky seems
    How beautiful
    The rivers flow and streams
    How marvelous
    The sun rays but beams
    How wonderful
    I can’t comprehend

    How wonderful
    The stars give light
    How beautiful
    The night shines so bright
    How marvelous
    I can’t fathom thy might
    How wonderful
    I can’t comprehend!

    How wonderful
    You save us from pit of sin
    How merciful
    Your son was to be slain
    How marvelous
    The redemption I’ll proclaim
    How wonderful
    I can’t comprehend

    How wonderful
    The sea waves swell in thy powers
    How beautiful
    The weed bear flowers
    How marvelous
    The birds sing on towers
    How wonderful
    I can’t comprehend

    How wonderful
    Thy creations are to me
    How beautiful
    The serene sprout so free
    How marvelous
    Thy wisdom seems to be
    How wonderful
    I can’t comprehend!
    Give me wisdom
    To comprehend your worth
    Give me knowledge
    To understand your work
    Oh Lord Almighty
    The creator of the earth
    How wonderful, how wonderful
    I can’t comprehend you
    -from whispers of the wind-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:39:00 AM) Post reply

    Ragamuffin
    When I was a young boy
    Mummy said to me
    “Get me a pumpkin
    Young ragamuffin
    I’ll bless you! ”

    When I was a young boy
    Mommy held me high
    Then she’d to her young boy
    When about to die
    “I love you! ”

    When I was a young boy
    Mommy bought me a toy
    She’d sing, while cutting the cake
    One of my favorite bake
    “Happy birthday! ”

    When I was a young boy
    Daddy came home late
    Sneaked to kiss me goodnight
    After his long day so great
    Then I’d say, ‘goodnight mom! ’

    When I was a young boy
    All the days the sky was bright
    We chased butterflies around the river bank
    Then wait for grandma’s fairy tales at night
    That would send chills in our veins

    When I was a young boy
    Mildred gave me two pearls
    I slept and pissed on grandma’s couchette
    Then received placate of slaps on my bottom
    And expected to say thank you

    When I was a young boy
    My afro was done so striking
    By an aficionado of hair style
    I called her skivvy
    She’d call me “mongoloid! ”

    When I was a young boy
    Mommy vetoed us playing along the road
    Always hiding our catapults
    But we sneaked anyway in the rain
    Her caution was in vain!

    When I was a young boy
    The days were all a vamoose
    From roadside pools-pinky-the goose
    Gave us a good chase
    Oh being a young boy!

    These memories are so fond
    Like nice scented rose amongst dandelions
    With time the cookies fade in oblivion
    Time changes even the treasured Tories
    But others carried on as scars.
    from whispers of the wind-

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:38:00 AM) Post reply

    Let the noose come
    Never to a stranger give thy trust
    Lest thou be betrayed at last
    But vagabonds too have feelings and lust
    Be fair and grave, oh thou majesty, be just
    To the latter for the stranger!

    Strangers shouldest not attribute pay
    For their bargain is but wind so as to say,
    But all are we from the glebes, we belong to graves.
    Oh thou the majesty be brave
    In the trial of the stranger!

    The stranger hath nothing for any reason
    To be slain in pain for a crime as treason,
    Majesty ‘tis for thy daughter’s sake Sheryl,
    That thou-benevolent majesty-thy throne hath peril.
    Firm, just verdict to the stranger

    Live forever majesty, oh, long live
    Lest mine crowning cockerels I give
    But not to buy mine freedom oh majesty,
    For thy daughter let me have the penalty.
    But shalt she live for the stranger!

  • Rookie Wyclif Odira (12/30/2013 6:36:00 AM) Post reply

    Oh the rural maids
    In twenty seasons she grew
    Nature had seen and already knew
    Thus spake in her green voice
    Amidst tears of the best choice…

    “Here cometh the doldrums in a maid
    Born and by the lonely river laid,
    To take the course of growth alone
    But then the ripples of water curved her bones!

    Her face painted black of ebony
    Figure slim and equally bony
    Her teeth white but more of fawn,
    Like gold a lock she cut lay on the lawn!

    Her eyes like springs in who’s serene
    And silent waters the blue sky is seen
    Their lashes are the lilies that look
    On their infants in the brook!

    A lynx gait I’ll equal to her step
    As she walks down the river for her shower
    Then expose her femur and frogs go gape!
    At their soft texture and tender bower...

    A man would stop her on the way
    To see the smile on her face
    Then change his mind to weep and pray
    And die longing for her warm bosom embrace.

    Oh! The fairest of rural maids
    Her life was nurtured in gross beauty
    Her mouth stands comparison to a flower
    Wherein emerges intellect and power”

    Such thoughts I gave to Tessie
    Insomuch my hands she gripped so lazily-
    And down the waters swept into a dale
    Leaving my fingers sore and pale
    by arido w.

  • Rookie - 147 Points Terrance Tracy (12/26/2013 2:45:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    What's a matter
    don't like my latter

    Won't waste my time
    tis sublime.

    No sense of humor
    lost to the fumers

    Figure it out
    then give it a shout.

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