Critiques and Revision
John Hazon Palen
(3/9/2012 3:28:00 AM)
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I have just submitted my newest poem.. I think it speaks for itself and by itself with all of its rhythms and rhymes! If you may ask, I write poems so as to clarify things out of my hazy thoughts which at times struck me.. It's my way of LOOSING MYSELF! ; ') AJA, everyone!
(3/4/2012 7:53:00 PM)
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I want to die
Heavenly cursed and heavily sinned I
So, I do not want to live, I want to die
And I want to become a holy ghost
Whom the people would like the most.
Like the retreating solders I like to come back
To my own permanent and eternal home
You may call it a suicide or martyrdom.
In my real home I see the news
Coming from the lipstick coated lips
In the television of my molten death
People are sobbing with a heavy breath.
The atmosphere is heavy and they feel the pain
This thrills me and gives me a feeling of gain.
The only son of my father
The only darling of my mother
Fainted repeatedly on the cushion
Peal like tear drops coming from my beloved son,
Friends and relatives express grief in the community hall,
All these excite me and I sought to say’’ I love you all.’’
For the first time in my life in my last ritual I listen
From those men that I was really a very good man
In such intense atmosphere of gloom and sad
My heart cheers and I become too much glad.
(3/3/2012 6:03:00 PM)
I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO READ TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK:
WE SPEAK ALONE TO DISTANCES
HELD WITHIN PANELS OF A
MY MIND IS CONFLICTED OF
SUICIDE STANDARDS CALLED
OUT IN THE DARK
ONLY A SUNRISE PRAYER
CAN BRING MY THOUGHTS
INTO A VELOCITY OF WISDOM
THAT I MAY TRUST IN JESUS
TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN
(3/2/2012 12:11:00 AM)
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I just want feedback on my poems
It was love at first site
but for you it wasnt there just quite
Amazing, beautiful, funny, and smart
A pricless work of art
Just the site of you
is such a Monumental view
From that time i made you blush
I knew in my hand i had a Royal Flush
So after all my tries
you became my very own Nobel Prize
So we had our laughs
we had our cries
Oh how do I miss the days I gave you butterflies
Even though life gave us this turn
in my arms soon you'll return
The love I have for you can never be undone
you're truly the only oneReplies for this message:
M Fiery Leo
(4/29/2012 7:32:00 PM)
lovely....nyc imageries...words skillfully chosen....nd above all a sincere emotion for love, make it a worthy read...well done! !
(3/13/2012 11:10:00 AM)
great rhyming skills...monutmental view, royal flush, nobel prize...you seem to have an endless imagination in the world or vocabulary.
- M Fiery Leo (4/29/2012 7:32:00 PM) Post reply
William Blake Beckett
(2/22/2012 10:38:00 PM)
(2/20/2012 1:16:00 AM)
My first on here just a simple one for my daughter
The first time I held you I wanted to sing
Your beautiful eyes my heart it did ring
Some people may say, it cannot be right
It just cannot happen love at first sight
Well after you read this tell them it's true
It happened to me as my eyes fell on you
My heart it was dancing a twist and a twirl
I love you my chloe my beautiful baby girl
(2/16/2012 10:31:00 AM)
This is my first poem and the first time I have had anyone read one please give me fully honest critisms.
What is true happiness? I ponder the thought. I haven’t confessed my feelings and she is off hanging out with another dude. I’m gasping for air, the pain is almost to much to bear. Yet for some reason I have a boner. I hunch over and dry heave but it’s no use the love and despondency just wont come out. The concrete is cold on my hands and it leaves a million little dimples. I’m such a god damn coward.
Excuse me for rambling, to make a long story short I got the girl. Everything that I had hoped it would be and more. But now I miss the pain almost long for it. Forget truly happy is it possible to be content?
(2/8/2012 1:32:00 PM)
Just come and read my poems and I would love your know what you think
(2/6/2012 12:02:00 PM)
Wish I could, a wish I should. Rephrase, I'm done with wishing.
This well held a slumbered caucus, bacteria infections begin evicting.
Turned into a poet's vision.
Still need to see how I turn sick?
Anti bodies, doctors got me, at least that's their logic.....
Made for, I played more, anybody I wrote for....
My immune system rejected the....'thing' that they claim cures all.
All these words now hitting, syllables now fit in.
Chromosomes, I'm in my zone,
X Y, seen the Z's coded in my vision.
Chasing every dream, my inception began to construct.
Ugly ducking I found luck in because being the ugly duck meant I was bound to be something.
More than my first cousins.....
Who chose street pharmacy as their subject.....
While I take these thoughts & form it into crack I give this all in public.
So really am I above them?
Steady ready to go below.
Dirt piled is when you file all the things that I wrote.
Fisherman, I had a boat.
No bait, I stood afloat. A school of them approached.
Intellect I cloaked, this vessel's still unknown.
But now it's grown, artisanal; attention spurs from what I show.
Saying goes, many in the sea.
Seeing that they come from what they see,
Not where you be, know where your at.
Fisherman's log inked, the knowledge became the tat.
That attention builds up the things once neglected.
(2/6/2012 11:56:00 AM)
Good Afternoon all,
I am a poet who loves opinions from others, especially poets on my work to see how others view what i do. Here is the link to my poems and i would greatly appreciate any who take their time out to view any of my poems and tell me what they think.