Critiques and Revision
(1/13/2015 3:58:00 AM)
please read this and give reviews.
the trumpets of sign of leaving begun,
just some months left, to cry, miss
the voyage that we' ve done till now
the old memories haunts,
move aside every now and then,
fills the gaps formed in the deep of the never ending consuming mind,
retrieve the thirst of the desert with little joys of tear,
and soon it turns all black,
the place where we learn, play
and dream with all our crazy fantasies,
sheded off quickly in the blink of eye
the fostering of mind that have obtained
cries loudly, deep in the core of the heart,
strong enough to overcome, but afraid
to take next stair of this new world
world is like a up-down stairs,
some falls, some lives,
but the best part, it never stops
whosoever may come, he' ve to go
meet the real world, that falls aside you,
challenges you, tries to find a place that suits you
mind ponders it all through
but who is responsible for this???
yet don't know
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(1/12/2015 1:24:00 PM)
| Read 1 reply
Read and comment on my poem on
Golden And Red
The lustre in her eyes tiffany blue
Is as subtle as a miry leaf's dew
Her velvety, arrow-straight hair
Dance charismatically in the air
Her rosy lips, her dove-white face
Spellbinds e'ery fellow, who gaze
Her glitz, her beguiling beauty
She hears her praises in deep glee
She's a bumptious beauty queen
A proud peacock, vain and mean
For she treasures her enticing flair
A lover's words but to her are mere
(1/12/2015 9:05:00 AM)
Wings of Belief
We were given wings
Though their not seen
Their right there
Without us knowing
Yet we are aware.
Those unaware are grounded
Others begin to notice
They have a choice
To take toward the sky.
At first fear sweeps over
Legs begin to quiver
Heart begins to race
Staring up into space.
First step is always the hardest
As I wonder if I can reach it
To touch the cotton candy clouds
Gaze upon the setting sun.
Will I make it?
I thought to myself
Will I be able
To make it up there
Will this be a piece of cake?
I have to try
For me to fly
Toward the sky
I shall take flight.
Spread my wings
Swallow my fear
Take a breath
Time to take off.
Wings begin to flap
As I feel my body float
Feet no longer touching dirt
I was no longer on Earth.
Slowly I open my eyes
And to my surprise
I was high above
Endless sky surrounds me
The land below was smaller.
This must be what its like
To feel so free and bold
Once fear was discarded
There was no more worry.
With these wings
So strong and beautiful
There's nothing hold me back
I'm free to fly where I please.
(1/3/2015 3:19:00 PM)
| Read 2 replies
I'm in the place, just before dreams end and daily life begins. The place where
evergreen trees are in abundance and the birds sing.
The place where hunger is no more. The place where freedom is at the core.
The place where the invention of peace was never needed. The place where the
end of life never succeeded.
The place where interracial relationships is the norm. The place where new types
of life are borne.
The place where god is still deemed an option. The place where the soul is still
beyond our comprehension.
The place where you and I meet. The place where four becomes eight feet.Replies for this message:
(1/4/2015 4:11:00 AM)
C'mon Nathan, you shouldn't have to say you mean no offense. I posted the poem within this forum to be criticised. You might be onto something, however I've had a think about your post and feel yo ... more
(1/3/2015 11:54:00 PM)
I think you should change some of your details to simple words, it would make it flow better. Ex. " just before dreams end and daily life begins" could be changed to " where the night m ... more
- Jeremy Horsford (1/4/2015 4:11:00 AM) Post reply
(1/3/2015 3:10:00 PM)
My corporeal form is separating from my consciousness.
I made provisions for my incorporeal form to exist beyond the allowable
time of existence.
My periodic image was downloaded at the point of conception. Fractions
of my episodic memories were downloaded.
New memories are now subject to new authors.
In the distant future and if my line is uninterrupted, I may see another day.
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(1/1/2015 6:07:00 AM)
Do read and comment on my poem.
The lovely rain as steady as a first, amorous kiss
Is sombre without your fragrant presence
For our fervent love is as deep as an abyss
I crave to cuddle you in this icy-cold rain
The river of my life is unnourished and dry
Though it's drizzling amply to slake my soul
As droughty as the black crow flying in the sky
In seek of water to quench his profound thirst
The songs of those maidens in the gentle shower
Are as dulcet as your bell-like, honeyed voice
Your three words of love are as sweet as a flower
My heart yens to hear them again and again
The rainy day is mirthless, dreary and blue
Like the dull, colorless season of autumn
The candle of my bliss is waiting for you
To be lit up again, for it has grown dim
(12/31/2014 7:44:00 PM)
The war inside me Something inside me wants to scream and shout I LOVE YOU But memories of past rejections still haunt me because they tell me that I'll end up with a broken heart! but it doesn't change the fact that; I STILL LOVE YOU! There is a war going on inside me that has not yet finished and, If you only knew the number of sleepless nights I have hadthinking about you you would realize that I LOVE YOU well, I realize that the coward in all this is me, because, you might never guess how i feel about you because i have kept my love for you silent but, what I want you to know is: I lOVE YOU
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(12/28/2014 7:56:00 AM)
My Mother, My Companion
One may covet sapphires and rubies
Or cherish and crave for jewelries
One may long for earning ripe gold,
I treasure her love that can't be sold.
Jewels worn are a sight for a sore eye
One who gathers them feels high
Worthy knowledge is all what I'd collect
From her, a devoted teacher I respect.
A luscious rose sweetens the spot
Perfumes an odorless garden a lot.
Her tulip-sweet aroma calms my jaded mind
All my venomous pain is then left behind.
My mother, my companion, my sincere friend
Never shall our valuable love end
A Rafflesia dies in a day or another
But a mother lives in a heart forever
Rate my poem on http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/my-mother-my-companion/
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(12/23/2014 12:16:00 PM)
Alone And Wretched
Alone in the sun sweats a sombre flower
Neither ever kissed by butterflies
Nor ever praised to the skies
Alone in the sky lies the moon so fair
Among a thousand stars feels it shy
Why is it the only moon in the sky?
Alone the duckling so gray and ugly
Felt so bittersweet, glum and queer
While the swans were exquisitely fair
Alone the sun so bright and splendent
Feels so wistful, sad and melancholic
Why is it hated though it's so resplendent?
Alone and wretched I stand too like them
Like a cloud drizzling in the sky
Forlorn in the dusk quietly I cry
:) Please rate my poem out of ten on this link: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/alone-and-wretched/
(12/20/2014 11:02:00 AM)
Swept The Sound in The Night
and the Moon
behind the wall clock
swept the sound
in The Night
for a Bandit
pull out from
' Hello Hello How Low?' 3x
Dooor! ! !
me and the Moon nyengir
wrapped in the tongue-cloth
think thrice to play your pistol at midnight,
or your baby beside
nge-Blink = Blinking
Nyengir = Grin
Comment of the Day
- A very well constructed poem with perfect rhyming beautifully written