Critiques and Revision

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  • Gold Star - 14,538 Points John Westlake (10/20/2014 4:52:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies
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    Until the book of my life is filled
    I must keep writing it
    almost like a diary
    of what has happened in my existence so far

    Words lines and paragraphs are added
    more of them each day
    the future is left blank
    as the book knows not what will come to be

    Sometimes I like to turn the pages back
    to remember what happened before
    but whole chapters I will not read again
    some things are better off left be

    At the end of my life the book will be completed
    it will never be a best seller in the shops
    but it was never meant to be
    all that would matter
    is that it would belong to me

    Replies for this message:
    • Gold Star - 14,538 Points Anand Brown (10/21/2014 5:15:00 AM) Post reply

      The concept of the poem is without fault, the execution lacks creativity and does not show the creative zeal you would expect a post-modern poet to have. I'll say it is a work in progress, but you are ... more

    • Gold Star - 14,538 Points Points Of View (10/20/2014 9:21:00 PM) Post reply

      Yes! That would belong to you John..There's more empty page to fill it up...Your still young...Still a long way to run(walk) .

  • Rookie - 56 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/18/2014 7:42:00 PM) Post reply


    Those who are far away.
    Yet remains in intimate thoughts.
    They are never apart.

  • Rookie - 56 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/18/2014 7:41:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply


    Those who are far away.
    Yet remains in intimate thoughts.
    They are never apart.

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  • Rookie - 15 Points ian Timmons (10/18/2014 12:57:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    trembling heart.
    cry no more.
    I've come to cure you.

    the love you seek cannot be yours.
    but don't cry, don't cry.
    by cure a knife to end your suffering.
    tonight i'll grant you freedom.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 15 Points Anand Brown (10/21/2014 5:18:00 AM) Post reply

      I love the concept of your poem, its witty and evocative, however, it lacks execution. I love the fact that you sought to condense it into short lines as oppose to dragging out the action. Give more m ... more

  • Gold Star - 12,412 Points Mohammad Skati (10/11/2014 1:29:00 PM) Post reply

    Wonderful lines of poetry with great thoughts and ideas. Thanks.

  • Veteran Poet - 2,636 Points Points Of View (10/10/2014 10:47:00 PM) Post reply

    You always keep a record of wrong..
    'Correction your Honor! '
    Comments are too long...

    You have telescopic eye.
    No single word and grammar-
    Slip thru your sense of sight..
    Even lines and spacing - won't let it by..
    When it doesn't suit your sense of style.
    You gather all mistakes and file..
    Then post what you know is right.

    Life in PH is not an easy task..
    Like living in a flask.
    CRITICS are in every corner at ease..
    Ready for the quest.
    Waiting for the Best and the Beast 'MASTERPIECE'

    'Sorry I did not mean to embarrassed' -their line-
    But self esteemed already washed.
    Next time too careful not to fluff.
    But it ended gaffe..

    No Exemption to the rule..
    Nobody is perfect..
    But we're trying to be perfect..
    We made mistakes and fall..
    Even animals w/four legs may stumble and fall..
    So focus on your own tale..
    Let me pull my own tail..

  • Rookie - 0 Points Lynn Bryan (10/9/2014 2:09:00 AM) Post reply

    Touch- this scream-
    slitting eyes- insert in dream-
    a wake to lies- Uncertain?
    Deem reality - a fantasy-

  • Rookie - 547 Points Nehemiah Theophylus Haokip (10/7/2014 7:06:00 AM) Post reply

    My Pencil

    My Pencil make to be my best friend,
    You came in this world for every purpose,
    With full of hardness heart and pain,
    When I was at the age of 5 (five) ,
    I start handelling you with my innocence hand,
    With full of joy and tears.
    My dear
    Are you not hurt
    When we sharp your body in to flower shape?
    Why does your blood not come out?
    I wish if I could touch your pain when it hurts,
    You are only the magic stick,
    When I can defeat the white paper.
    And pain up them to 123 Numbering,
    ABCD Alphabet and underline Curve.
    My dear magic stick,
    How long would you run with your black teeth,
    Spending your expensive blood?
    How many miles would you keep on dancing?
    And How long will your black teeth last?
    My dear,
    How does you wish to live in this world,
    When the people does not the way of your hard woking?

    My dear be love Pencil,
    You always tried to lead us toward your perfection,
    But we don’t recognized your experience,
    Dear you may be thin and short,
    But your energy is more supreme than our energy.
    Wish we could energy like you.

  • Gold Star - 14,538 Points John Westlake (10/3/2014 8:03:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I didn’t intend to set your life ablaze

    I just wanted to start a small fire

    designed to melt way that frozen stone

    hidden deep inside of you

    that you called your heart

    “As cold as the arctic bathed in moonlight”

    was what your ex said about you

    unfeeling to the last

    “as beautiful as a summer’s day

    but radiating the bitter chill of winter”

    That may have been your exterior

    but inside I knew that was a different person

    warm caring and nice

    hidden away and frozen

    almost forgotten

    apparently for her own protection

    Then one day I gave you a hug

    and a spark leapt from my heart to yours

    scorching its way into your chest

    igniting your lungs in the process

    for many days the fire burned

    getting fiercer by the hour

    gently eating away your resistances

    melting your glaciers to nothing

    When next we met it was out of control

    many of your bridges were gone

    only one remained and it was the one we built

    nothing remained of the others apart from ash

    I never intended to set your life ablaze

    that happened purely by accident

    but while the fires are still alight

    your heart will no longer freeze again

    your tundra has been destroyed

    never to be reformed

    Replies for this message:
    • Gold Star - 14,538 Points Lynn Bryan (10/9/2014 2:16:00 AM) Post reply

      It is obvious that your intent is to capture an overwhelming experience of investment that has been betrayed. But I will say, you are almost there. Be mindful in knowing, the less you say is more. com ... more

  • Rookie - 547 Points Nehemiah Theophylus Haokip (10/1/2014 4:22:00 AM) Post reply

    Are You some one out of any body?
    Are you anybody out of some body?
    Are you no one out of any body?
    Are you any one out of nobody?
    Are you nobody out of every body?
    but you are any body out of every body,
    but you are some body out of nobody,
    but you are nobody out of any body,
    but you are every body out of nobody,

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