Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Makayla Johnson (12/18/2012 4:08:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I would very much like it if someone could critique my poem. It's always good to know what I can improve on.


    What Is Life?

    What is life?
    Fire light,
    a question asked,
    a layered mask
    of fear and thought and love,
    of the dove
    the one that flies
    asking whys
    as it glides on broken wings.

    Oh, he sings,
    and it rings
    and it lingers in the air
    past the fair
    golden hair of a lion.
    And he's cryin'
    and he's livin' for the kill
    and the spill
    of the blood.

    A bleeding flood
    seeping down
    past the frown
    upon the face
    of a women dressed in lace,
    of the chase of the land
    in the sand
    waterfall
    leaping, dying all
    a rusty red.

    In my head,
    oh the light
    in the eyes of the life
    always fight for the everlasting will!
    Makes no sence, take the pill
    brings a sail of golden hope
    to be crushed, washed with soap,
    clean and dead.

    Oh the river's full of lead,
    dark and flowing
    poison glowing,
    specked with gold
    in the mold
    sold for life
    but worth nothing, strife
    is what it brings.

    And still he sings!
    The broken dove
    who brings love,
    and tears away
    another day
    we will die
    and leap through the sky
    to an abyss,
    to the mist.
    to the lost and the forgotten,
    the spoiled and the rotten
    underground.

    Never found,
    never thought,
    life has left and sought
    out newer, better forms
    in the empty,
    never tempt me
    to burn again.

    Put out by rain,
    I've been slain by the knife.

    What is life?

  • Madhuparna Chakraborty (12/17/2012 7:42:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    any criticism and revision on this piece will be appreciated...


    Chance

    A tap on the shoulders recklessly
    tempting are the stranger paths,
    fate beckons that intrepid adventurer in me.

    As i peep into the realms unknown,
    worthy soul is wooed and the quest begins.
    Twin spirits of Romance and Adventure is sown.

    Pray! Engage with wit and verve it said,
    into this enigma called Romance,
    aimlessly and uncalculatingly forging ahead.

    Seek perils, seek mystery, the clues of adventure,
    and all that is slipped into your fingers.
    Nay, not for fame or crown, name or treasures.

    And then, perchance, you will see,
    splendid figures seeking the golden fleece
    was specious in its entirety.

  • Sarah Mohyla (12/15/2012 2:12:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hey I just uploaded some new poems and i'd love if you could read them and post your comments! I'd love your advice!

  • Austin Straussfield (12/14/2012 7:56:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Check this out peeps, though a little rough...your advice and criticism is would go a long way to smoothen my writings...
    Quietly bending my pride,
    for you to become my bride
    so as to have a smooth ride
    till a child comes our way.
    Take this not as dried
    or too crunchy fried.
    But rather be mild,
    and see me as wild
    with no where to hide
    'trying to pass the tide
    created by your dad...'

  • Nkosana Mpofu (12/3/2012 3:21:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi poets, poetry lovers and writers - I have posted 2 poems on this site namely; African sunset and Transitions: A hobo's view. Please may I ask you to read, critique and rate these pieces and I will do the same to your work.

    Thank you - happy reading.

  • Riffat Samad (12/3/2012 4:41:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Spring Evening Chant

    Let the breeze blow,
    Let the river flow,
    In the spring evening
    Let the moon come slow.

    The music of the fallen leaves around
    Or when they rolling on the forest ground,
    Does it remind you the song
    I've sung in a whispering sound?

    The bird comes back to its nest,
    And the sun sets down in the west,
    The wrapper of the sky is disappeared,
    Still I find in my mind unrest.

    Let the breeze blow inside our mind's hollow,
    Let the river flow and carry our heart's sorrow,
    In the spring evening
    Let the moon pass its way slow.

    (Please inform me your impression if you read my poem.)

  • Ray Hart (12/1/2012 3:30:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi, I've always written for family but until recently I have been what you may call a private poet. My collection is there now for you to see. I hope you enjoy some. H of them, let have your thoughts. R. K Hart. [ray]

  • Alexis ... (11/29/2012 8:57:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hello Poets,

    I have posted some new poems which include " A Round of Applause" , " Clues of Deception" and " Somewhere In-between" . Feel free to comment on them or any of the others honestly. Thanks

  • Nikki Cuthbert (11/29/2012 7:08:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    hi never really let any other than friends see my poetry. so be gentle with me. I just use my poetry to express what I maybe can`t say. But i would be interested to see what you think. Many thanks to any who wander into my land x

  • Karoliena Somura (11/28/2012 6:20:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Im a 17 year old chick going through and been through alot of shit. I just started opening up, at school, with my friends and now on the internet, it might be alittle disturbing to read, but I would really appreciate if you could check it out and tell me what you think, and I know Im not alone and that everyone goes through some kinda shit, so thats the stuff Im into and want to read, so I would be more than happy to read and comment on the poems of your deepest and most sincere thoughts and feelings and stories whether its your story or not.

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