Critiques and Revision

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  • Ash .... (1/17/2013 1:39:00 AM) Post reply

    With the last note (fading music)

    Where did we go wrong?
    Where did we lose control?
    What happened to the fairy-tale we once lived?
    What happened to the dreams we once had?
    A cabin of hope was built over months yet shattered overnight with just one fight
    Rumors tipped the scales, we lost our balance and we took two steps back
    Two steps into our garden and now all that remains are trampled flowers of trust
    Anger made the melody, so we sang along with hurtful lyrics
    Took a deep breath of disappointment so we exhaled some silence
    Hurricane heart break was devastating and up to now my heart remains an exhibit
    Once upon a time our heartbeat made the music and our romance wrote the lyrics
    But as melody of love goes on I fear the last note
    because with the last note of this song, this heart might just stop beating

    Clouds cleared the day I met you and a melody began
    With every note of that melody my heart beat to a new rhythm
    Took a couple of steps and found myself on a mountain top
    With a leap of faith I landed in your heart
    A place warmed by affection and showered by love
    You were different from the rest so I had to ask
    You were amazing so I took a moment to appreciate
    Before I knew it, loving you was my lifestyle
    Every word was precious so time wasn't wasted
    I loved you for the person I grew to know and not just for what I saw
    In my head it all started with one question but soon it was all a fairy-tale
    Dropped the game of cards because I couldn't bear to lose a queen of hearts
    You weren't perfect; I was more than a mess
    Mathematics would say 70% +30% = 100%
    So complement + complement should give completion of this set
    We weren't the one's to take the credit because God made it work
    We loved the music so we danced to every note
    But now I ask what happened to the music coz it's starting to fade
    If it's what I did please let me know
    Silence never made music so it won't help this song
    These battle scars don't look like they are fading,
    I just hope it isn't going to be one of us fading as the music draws to the last note

    I never knew what love was so you made me listen to the music
    The Keyboard played a key in a G flat for kindness
    The flute made a harmony of patience
    The guitar made an acoustic echo of forgiveness
    The bass of the drums told a story of endurance and hope
    I was never good at picking a band but this I know,
    There was no trumpet of selfishness that stole the show
    No one played the cello of pride
    The lyrics kept no record of mistakes made in rehearsal
    Though not perfect, the notes left no room for irritation
    Day and night that song played in my heart dedicated to you
    It was none other than the song of love
    We were two worlds apart but since one heart was in place, one rhythm was heard
    Pardon the rules I broke and tell Santa I was a good boy coz all I want is one Christmas wish
    If I had one wish, loving you defines my Christmas wish list
    Shadows may fade with the sunset, but let not this love fade away with the passage of time
    Silence doesn't mean I'm avoiding you,
    If you are looking for me I'm in the other room waiting on my knees
    Praying that the last note of this song lasts forever
    because it's a note of love I dedicated to you

    We say heart beat makes the music
    So before the last note plays, please forgive me
    We say heart beat makes the music,
    So with the last note I hope you hear me
    Let the last note last forever
    because the last note says I love you

  • Rookie - 16 Points Yasmeen Khan (1/16/2013 12:48:00 PM) Post reply

    As she whirls and twirls it's not her flesh
    It's her soul that bathes in ecstasy
    It's her heart that feels the bliss
    And her eyes that shine like stars
    It's the rainbow that bows with her
    It's the fish that trills like her
    It's bluebird's frolic, a swan's sway
    A murmuring, twisting brook in valleys
    A water lily quivering gently
    Caper the limbs, poised as bird's wings
    Slide and glide, flowing with symphonies
    Pirouetting tip-toes painting a mural
    Scarcely feel the floor those feather feet,
    Fascinating the beholders into a world another
    She bows to them, smiling a radiant smile.

  • Rookie - 0 Points Nithin Purple (1/14/2013 10:16:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    To spirituality

    Awake your mind's precious weigh;
    Does it drive, your soul's wizen health.
    And he to you is willing; you can't inveigh!
    Vivid is Apollo, god of light, trust his songs:
    Gain your providential solemness with fewer aches;
    Until, a Divine you breed with you called spiritual Eros:
    Spirituality exists where ever our struggles;
    An issue of how we fit into greater schemes,
    That wisdom links, as 'one man in you' with powerful gods,
    That ritual enlightenment your sin wipes.
    Depend in that god, he leads you high:
    Must tolerate, forgive and gain yourself.

    And in One new day, you displaced like a sleigh;
    To keep your soul far into his everlasting bowers, Honoured.

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  • Rookie - 710 Points Gulsher John (1/12/2013 11:43:00 AM) Post reply

    Let instincts play her role...... every age has been blessed with some domain and it has to be realised........we must sense that every world has it's own dynamics and let it Freely Play..... blame, restrain, being crazy, radicle, sophist, are relative concept, ......philology should be kept separated from philosophy and morality........

  • Rookie - 710 Points Michael Peters (1/12/2013 9:18:00 AM) Post reply

    Transparent Golem

    In a cold of space there is no sound
    That in mischief can be found.

    Prank on those who think it's not
    Just another scoundrel act.

    Hurt on those who can't adapt.
    They must perish or be trapped.

    Look alike their dreams must be.
    Deuce won't sleep, so why won't thee.

    Keeping sane - it is not hard,
    'cause in space there is no sound.

  • Rookie - 710 Points Rashi Mandot (1/11/2013 4:40:00 AM) Post reply

    The curved body I saw,
    Shaped with sublimity to owe,
    Eyes not ready to miss a sight,
    The desire to praise the whole night.
    Running through the door,
    Glance of the shadow on the floor,
    Delusion to stay with the shadow,
    Cherish the conquered phase.
    A blush and your turning red cheek,
    The most sweetest thing to live for,
    I will be living for the moment to be yours.
    Passion to bring back the broken pieces,
    Your sublime look making it harder,
    Born with the exquisite smile,
    Privilege of being yours is all I want.
    Tonight, Turn your back waiting to adore you all the time,
    The reason to have memories is you as mine,
    A downpour of love is met,
    Your heart is pure to be mine but I promise to be the forever royalty.

  • Rookie - 710 Points Geongs Zhern (1/1/2013 12:44:00 AM) Post reply

    Mystical song

    By Geongs Zhern(??)2012.11.30
    author's blog:

    Yu! It’s dark and dark, quiet and quiet,

    Has it disappeared or existed?

    Oh! It’s phantom and phantom,

    It originally had no name.

    Who have mixed it to form a whole?

    I feel like something flowing is so cool!

    It can be so small that have no inside,

    but they are in the same state;

    It can be so large that have no outside,

    this is super-symmetrical universe.

    If it only has space but no time,

    this is so-called the beginning;

    If the volume is limited but no border,

    this is so-called occult.

    Getting stationary has no direction,

    so the initial number is the pure quantity;

    Quantum tunnel through potential barrier,

    and conformate the magical superfield.

    Perhaps global entanglement was at the beginning,

    just it dominated the singularity of Taiji;

    Vacuum ripple by interfering and perturbation,

    so universal gravitation be present in it.

    Among fluctuations of the field of vacuum,

    quantum bubbles are spinning;

    Between zero and one,

    quantum information be transmitting.

    Each point in space follows the same rule,

    and their metric keep covariant;

    The observation in any directions is uniformity,

    and their distribution follow the fractal law;

    The cosmic brane is inflating constantly,

    those galaxies fly away us after redshift rule;

    In the cosmic microwave background,

    Be still echoing the music of Big Bang.

    Ah! Though the vacuum is so unreal,

    the quintessence exist in it after all;

    Oh! If the intuition see through everything,

    we can wander with Dao freely.

  • Rookie - 710 Points Gareth Penny (12/22/2012 5:31:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    False Love

    Have you ever wanted someone that they controlled what you did?
    Have you ever chased something that turned out myth?
    Have you ever had a reality that was not shared?
    Have you ever felt magic that was not paired?
    Did you see honesty within her when she looked in your eyes?
    How did it feel when you knew it had been lies?
    Have you ever felt that your world seemed complete?
    How did it feel when it turned out a cheat?
    Did you ever think someone could be so cold?
    When you were warned by others,
    But disagreed with the mould.
    When you make a bed in your thoughts questioning how could this be?
    Your chest feels heavy,
    How could this happen to me?
    When you look for her picture,
    Scan you phone,
    Are you all alone?
    ‘Stop it at once I say! ’
    Just give it some time,
    Open the curtains to a new pantomime.
    For life holds so many wonders to be wrapped up in hurt,
    So pick up your shoes,
    And shake of the dirt.
    Go to sleep each day,
    When you awake it will feel better,
    Soon you will look back,
    And not regret that day when you met her.

    Replies for this message:
    • Denise Woodhouse (1/8/2013 1:24:00 PM) Post reply

      A very interesting poem. I especially like the phrase " ...when you make a bed in your thoughts..." Personally I would tweak the grammar in one or two places. Let me know if you'd like t ... more

  • Rookie - 710 Points Tiffany Baldwin (12/18/2012 11:11:00 PM) Post reply

    HI. I just added my newest write. It is called " The Feeling Within" .., if you have time I have very few poems but if you would like to read and comment on them you are more than welcome. I love feedback. I am new at this and it actually helps motivate me in a way.

    " The Feeling Within"

    I wish I could tell you what I feel when I am around anyone but me.

    Its true... I feel every emotion they are feeling, at that moment you see.

    I must say at times it is amazing, other peoples emotions dancing through my skin,

    The love, the excitement, the comforting energy that flows deep within.

    But, I am here to write for a reason, to let all the pain inside out,

    If not for my words to write you see, i'd be lost without a doubt.

    I feel like I am lost, lost somewhere mixed in with all of you,

    I can no longer tell which are mine anymore, which emotions are really true.

    There are not enough words in my vocabulary to describe what your feelings are doing to me,

    I wish you could keep them to yourself sometimes, stay out of my bubble and allow me to be.

    I won't blame you, because I know, that it is completely out of your hands,

    This is something that I would never wish for.. It was never a part of my plans.

    It's not only the joy and love inside of anyone who comes close to me,

    There's also the fear, the hurt, and the pain, I'm ready to run and flee.

    I feel it all from good to bad, I need to learn how to turn it down,

    For fear of my own emotions getting lost, they are quickly beginning to drown.

    Thank you for any feedback in advance!

  • Rookie - 710 Points Julianna O'bar (12/18/2012 10:14:00 PM) Post reply

    I would appreciate any advice or constructive critisism on my poem that you can give. Thank you!

    We Write On

    We've been scolded, scorned, warned,
    Yet, still, we write on.

    We've been beaten, whipped, tortured,
    Yet, still, we write on.

    We've been rounded up, jailed, exiled,
    Yet, still, we write on.
    " Why continue?" We're often asked.
    " Why punish yourself with the pen?"

    " You know you'll be scolded or beaten or jailed,
    " So why press on and face the consequences?"

    The answer lies not in the words we write,
    But in the life they give us.

    Who doesn't want immortality?
    Greater men have died for it.

    Those who write the truth, no matter the cost,
    Will live in his words until the world ends.

    So, for as long as there are the pen and paper,
    We will always write on

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