Critiques and Revision
(1/14/2014 5:29:00 AM)
hi guys please check out my recent poems and critic them
(1/14/2014 4:09:00 AM)
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Please let me have feedback for this poem. Thank you.
Woman, you are beautiful to me -
You are my wise and counted friend.
You are the sunlight of my eyes
as I watch the smile rise upon your face,
and the dew of the dawn as
I feel your moist lips kiss my cheek.
You are the prosperity of my life
as I become enriched by your glow.
And the longing for love beats
within my soul. I long for your touch.
I long for your eyes to rest upon me -
Just one look and I melt as the frozen snow.
You are my beautiful woman,
and I reach out to touch your soul.
Do not leave me, but remain at my side.
You are my bride, by beautiful one,
and I am the slave of my own captivity.
Melek yüzlüReplies for this message:
(1/11/2014 11:24:00 PM)
I am very uncertain about this; any thoughts?
How to live:
It all seems so simple and yet;
It is much more difficult in execution.
Fear is stronger than ambition.
Speak your mind and you are speaking the truth!
And if it pleases you to extend services of kindness;
To remain for the sake of patience;
To exercise your freedom to be generous;
To look upon each fellow human with love and compassion seething through your pores
Till they cannot bear themselves anymore,
Then by all means, live morally!
Even though I do.
But I cannot bear the thought that I might not,
Only because I like to believe I am wholesome.
Do not focus only on yourself, for everyone does.
And they are all as unhappy as everyone,
Who are just as depressed as you,
Waiting for something to open up in the line;
For life to treat them well.
I am waiting for life to stop treating me well.
When we are focused on ourselves we cannot see anything.
Like focusing on one leaf in the whole forest,
In the whole wilderness,
In the whole world.
If one individual gave as much attention to another as they did to themselves,
Love would be less prevalent than it is.
But what is life,
If you don't look upon one person with tenderness and desire,
Grand enough to stop a converging storm?
I feel as though I cannot live in such an open fashion
Until I can look upon myself with satisfaction.
And yet I look around myself for approbation,
I feel as though I can never be satisfied
Through this twisted loop of fear and anxiety.
True satisfaction is not gleamed through compliments and supportive actions.
When I reflect on the content of my character,
I am not pleased.
Standards so achievable, yet I am so selfish.
And I wonder if I manufacture all of my tears in the same factory as those nifty, fancy cars from Japan,
All lined up in a row and waiting to be dispensed at the appropriate time.
I am searching for an honest emotion, but I have yet to find one that I can be honest with.
To be secure in one's own self is to be set free; how I long to be unchained!
For only when I am no longer myself will I be comfortable with my life.
To be seen as someone I am not, yet exactly who I am,
That is what I strive for.
Yet being so open, will my insecurity show?
(1/11/2014 1:04:00 AM)
Would like some constructive feedback on this newer poem I wrote if anyone cares to read and comment.
Thanks, Allan Gerard
Title: The Gem In I
I've learned to push myself away
Though my heart begs me to stay
I moved into that selfless center
And they took apart all of me that remains
So, here's those feelings
here is that order
You'll start at the top
Strip away all desire
Rip away, tear away
Make sure that nothing remains
of ragedy and will up the Annie
the jackpots the other pea in the pod
You were supposed to make me forget!
What do you remember?
That I gambled...
How do you know?
Because I feel loss
Feeling lost is a symptom of sacrifice.
These scars can't compare to my heart
Such precision, such pain
When we would sleep we shared dreams
When she would breathe I knew we were ok
You view us as an abnormality
but to us this is the most normal thing
You try and sum us up like an equation
Occasionally trying to change the scenes
Yet, on this occasion...
I sit, watching this siamese cat stare in the mirror
And as I watch
I feel complete
Because I know she remembers me.
(1/10/2014 11:26:00 PM)
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It tickles my bones
and pickles my tones
to hear dogs bark
is to hear bogs dark.
When birds are chirping
do you hear chirds birping
as you walk in the shade
do you salk in the whade.
When you smell a rose
it is painful to rell a smose
when a bee stings you
does the stee bings you.
When you smell the mountain air
you may mell the sountain air
as you are sliding down to bottom
you are bown to the dottom.
The nuances that you read
are products of anticipation
in the program of voice recognition
so don't blame me for what you see.
Terrance TracyReplies for this message:
(1/16/2014 4:13:00 AM)
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This is a poem that says things but why?The reader needs to engage but somehow that hasn't happened to me. I'd blame the ease of free verse. IMO
(1/11/2014 4:39:00 AM)
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I feel it depends on how much sense is to be made in the inversion. if you want; the reader to juxtapose or reiterate, cause to pause, think not, some kinda funny. it usually results in just the autho ... more
- Cleveland Gibson (1/16/2014 4:13:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
(1/9/2014 9:32:00 PM)
Hey there fellow writers.
Still fairly new to writing poetry, I'm also pretty new to this site as well
I would be thrilled if anyone that wanted to take the time to read any of my poems
and critique them for me maybe giving me some pointers if you don't mind?
I would really appreciate it a lot.
Thanks for reading, Allan Gerard =)
(1/8/2014 11:06:00 AM)
Land of Reality
I met a person from the land of reality
where the tongue of treachery is spoken
people live in sadness
and hearts are broken
everyone here is a hopeless preacher
they preached upon courage till it argued them liars
and of truth till it proclaimed them liars
Greed and hopelessness is all that runs through their blood.
(12/31/2013 5:34:00 AM)
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YOU ARE – WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE
In the dull gray mist our minds exist, as we
Deteriorate in this human shell, thoughts of
What is to blame there is no fame other
Than one's own mind its better off left
Actors in a world of our own
We exist only to see our work misunderstood
Poets we are not nor authors we shall be
When we choose to roam in the world of rejection.
Freeform or classic, modern or abstract all are
Caught in a trap, rumpled and tossed to the floor
Swept out the door perhaps we should have kept
Intact that smeared easel or bits of literature left behind
Thrown away not good enough our best works swept
Out with the rest of the stuff.
We are what we think we are no man can possess:
Inspiration, imagination, organization and powers
That be, are wrapped up in a pale frame but held
Onto with determination.
(12/31/2013 4:45:00 AM)
hi has anyone read any of my poems?i need honest critic, and assistance on how to publish my poetry book
(12/30/2013 11:52:00 PM)
WHISPERS OF THE WIND-
Whispers in the wind
Bold as they come
Till the wind ease to blow!
Sing them in over vigor
Rage as if in rigors
Shout if thy soul peace finds
And thy ears allow the waves-
For only then will thy
Rage be made known,
Thy mind be heard,
And thy heart discerned!
Thus let me whisper in the wind
And sing a song if you may
Or a lull anyway
And breathe a sigh!
My heart give their murmurs
Even as your mouth
Whistle the tune thereof
In a whisper in the winds!
Open thy mouth in aloud cry
Cry if you can or just try
Because that duel within
That entrapment of sin
That work of the evil
And numerous a peril
Shall be let out…
Rage like a crazy goat
Charge like a blind rhino
Let out of thy chest
Let it out brother…
Talk to yourself
Talk with the one
Who sits calmly inside
Or to your shadow beside
Tell him if you may
Tell him in a song
Sing alone, or singing along-
And whisper to the wind
For only then, only then
Will this moments be done…
When you have talked
When you have cried
When you have hummed
When you have raged
When you have charged
Then you discern
And maybe learn
The whispers in the wind!
Whisper to the wind
Somehow it will carry away
Thy reason and plight
To the seas and be buried
In the swash and backwash
As they heap the sand upon sand
And smooth the surface
With the scattered seashells-
The scars will nowhere be found
On the seabed around
When you whisper in the wind!
So loosen thy spirit
Loosen thy tight garments
Avail thyself to the plains
In a windy breezy evening
Gaze from whence they blow
And whisper in the winds….
The winds in the sun
The winds to sooth my sore soul
Take my pains away
As the seaward they blow
And or stage a show
On their leeward slopes
Or just hang on the hope
That the clouds soon bring
And the rains to wash
The fervent heat life cause
To the green lash
Of the lilies that soon grow
To cover all the swamps
Of life’s tragic moment
So unfortunate yet will always be
As long as your eyes
Remain bold enough to see
Or thy mouth gives sickly sighs
In the whispers of the wind…